I’m doing fine tonight. Today was good. I called some people and cleared some things up. I felt better. I’m really sensitive to details.
Tonight was great. Cooked a ton of good food. In my cast iron pan. Cleaned everything. Had fun. Biked. Cleared a jump I couldn’t clear before. Very intense cycling is necessary for my ability to face life. That’s just the truth.
I did hit a hard tinge when a woman opened her door, and after introducing myself and prying and prying and prying, she told me her husband is in the service. I could see now what the look in her eye is. She’s sad. Very sad. She doesn’t know what could happen any day. And she just keeps putting on a smile and working her life. These things kill me. Maybe it’s seeing Stacey in her. I walked down to the next house and just started crying. The same as when I saw Stacey on the bridge. I went and hid under a tree. Maybe it’s seeing how much they hurt, but they stay strong. I suppose I do the same thing. I’ve kearned to cry as hard as possible because then I can keep going stronger. But wow, it hit me hard.
So that was all good. Normal. I processed things correctly. And felt fine at the end of the day. Preparing for sleep and the next day.
But then what happens? Somehow this great hurt takes me over every now and then and I can’t move or breathe. What is it? Where is it coming from? Can I stay away from it? Should I?
It seems it’s layers of letting go. I have used a lot of things to cope and to lie to myself. House. Boat. Sports. Skills. And I’m letting them go to be able to just be personable. To be personable.