I found her

And she’s doing well. I tried to explain that I can take her to pick up her medication and her car, and she can stay at my house. But she is apprehensive. Maybe she has to do it on her own. I don’t know. I’m just thinking oh man just come sleep and shower and take the medication. In a week you’ll be a completely revived little person!!! Hello!!!!

A real person

I forgot that this person is a real person! But she was acting so differently that it was easy to write about her as if she wasn’t real. So I took away posts with details about her because she deserves dignity!

I have been finding dignity for myself a lot lately. There were people at my last two jobs who did not treat me with dignity. That is essentially why I left them. I probably wasn’t dignifying them either. Now I am bringing dignity to my house and my church. Blinds. A new kitchen. A solid sub floor. A continuous cement perimeter foundation. A level driveway. Borders on my patio. New flooring. It is good for me right now. Therapy has been hard. I have been doing a lot of trauma releasing. We do this hand movement eye coordination thing. It’s good. I wish everyone, like the lady, had access to it. A week ago everything was great. I was going on an epic night ride. Then I ran into a poor little person in trouble.

Oatmeal. Tea. Journal.

Dignity

You can’t comeback

Turns out I am a complete self righteous asshole. She definitely wouldn’t have put any5ing in my drink. She was just a sweet person suffering from paranoid delusions. And to drive me crazy. Between that and being really touchy and constantly talking about us and we I finally blew up at her. I just got really direct and realistic, and people who are healing hate that. I figured if she can’t handle it then we shouldn’t be sharing housing. And I told her she can’t do,e back because I don’t know what she’ll be doing if she leaves.

I take it back now. I saw the real her. The normal her, under all of it. The dirt. The drugs. The delusions. She would have gotten back o normal if I would have just been more patient. But I couldn’t. Not today. I wanted to blame her for her situation. But that’s not right. I wish she would come back. I would take care of her until she is better.

Three days

Well the person is doing s lot better. I think a lack of food, combined with drugs, combined with a lock of attention, led to a lot of bad. She started saying it’s happening today, that they were coming to get her, and she is going to get mean, that’s how she broke her finger. I showed her my garden and asked if she would be willing to plant something in it. Then she helped me clean up after I took out my drywall. And she even cooks for herself! It’s a pretty good deal. And she threw away all her stuff! Talk about the perfect housemate! She just demands that music is on and if I take her pen she asks for it all day. I think it’s going well. My project is basically on schedule. I’m really organized so things go really smooth in a logical fashion. The drywall came all out in perfect sizes chunks and it all fits in my car. I can’t wait to have new flooring. Going to replace all the flooring in the house. It’s going to be a nice beach cottage. Then I’ll probably want to sell it! Oh no.

We had to discuss boundaries today. She was being way too touchy. It will be interesting if she makes it out of this. She’s acting like a four year old. I think a week will actually turn it around! That would be amazing!

Two days

Wow. Two days made a huge difference. Eggs, vegetables, tea, and sleep. Eggs are good because they have a lot of growth in them, lol! When she rode up to me I knew there was a normal person in there. And she has stopped babbling. And I think I saw a spark in her eye. I bought her some clothes. She’s actually a really cool person! Today I was almost done. She kept talking about al this crazy stuff. But I think she’s going to be ok!

I gave her lotion for her feet. And a salt bath. And she has a fractured finger. I made her stay inside, well suggested, after telling her she is a free person, because she needs time to heal and people won’t understand her. Then she watched a movie. It’s actually making my house feel normal to have a housemate watching a movie. I gave her my socks. This all started because she nudged her front tire at me and I was like, wait, you don’t fit in out here! You’re in serious trouble!

SHe was flirting a lot too and told me she wants a boyfriend. I think some drug regressed her to childhood for a bit. She was talking like a kid. I told her it isn’t time for a boyfriend yet. She needs to rest and relax for atleast a week.

Safety

I have been needing to have someone else at my house. I don’t feel safe right now. I put up a little barricade in front of my house, which is kind of funny.

A little crazy

I was on a nice bike ride and a homeless lady approached me, and seemed like she wasn’t crazy and just in a rough spot. I was planning on doing construction all week this week and could use some company, and she was afraid and needed a place to stay. Her things were pretty well kept so I offered my yard for her tent. Then I let her sleep on the couch. I found her ID today. Two years ago she was a normal person. Now, I don’t know. She’s been having delusions and hiding from a monster in the sky. It’s getting better today. I fed her a lot of good food and I think that helped. She is talking less crazy now. She cooked for herself. I have to constantly move her thing sbecause she is always going through them. Now I don’t know what to do. Things are ok enough. I think a week would really get her back to normal. But can I handle that? So far it has been ok. Taking care of someone helps me take care of myself. I don’t trust that I can take care of myself. But when I take care of someone, I can prove that I am taking care of myself!

I just ignore her and do my work. Construction is coming along.

Entirely new day

I don’t know exactly what is going on, but I am definitely fighting some kind of internal battle. And it has been relentless. In the last week everything has changed for me. That’s the danger of seeing a counselor. But it’s good. I feel self fulfilled. Which is important.

For me to be present inside my own body and emotionator and feel power over myself, separate, in control, and focused, is intensely painful. Hence I have avoided my entire life. I have always been able to be present, and I do it by sort of focusing on my legs and doing this mental push inside, I can’t explain it. I do something that forces my focus. And it hurts so bad! It feels like I am being electrocuted, and if I really get in to it, my legal and arms start convulsing. If I do this for ten seconds, it hurts so badly and that’s all I can handle. But it gives me an awareness. If I don’t do it, I lose self awareness and I start being codependent and worrying more about other people who I can’t change instead of myself. This week for some reason I was able to do this a lot. It hurts so badly. But after a minute of shaking it stops and I feel an intense calm and feel normal and release all my pain and anger and start remembering my whole life and all the good and good people. I go from freaking out to living in reality. I’ve been doing it so much that now it doesn’t hurt to do it anymore and I am practicing constantly doing it. I am aware, and focused, and present! It’s good!

The truth is that I think it is a physical trauma from being electrocuted. I remember being subjected to this weird little gray metal box that my dad used to brain wash me. It is crazy and I do remember this happening. It’s funny because he used to always blame my mom for brain washing me. Haha! He would shock me pretty hard, and used it to reinforce verbal commands like you are useless. You are wrong. You are sick. Etc. a few years back I also realized that I was sent to the hospital for electric shock when I was a kid! But my mom can’t really explain why! My dad also did verbal training with our parrot. He had this nifty tape deck that could loop, and he would record something on it and it would play over and over for the parrot. He also had a book on hypnosis. He had a lot of very strange things. Penis pencils. Little boxes that talked dirty words. Child pornography. Handcuffs. Whips. A box of sex toys that mom said she saw but didn’t have any affiliation with. It is crazy And it is all good now! And if I can, I’m going to destroy his fantasy! 🙂

What happened was wrong, and sadistic, and sick! But it is all OK now. Everything is OK. I have myself and I am in control. I can protect myself and take care of myself. And I’m happy! Yesterday I rode a horse! And we cantered and trotted in circles and figure eights. It was epic!!!

Simply sailing

It used to just be me, my boat, the mike buoy, and the fog horn. And then things got CONPLICATED. And I don’t know why! I don’t ever want to go crazy again!