Santa Cruz Forever

Ouch. I’m sitting in celebrate recovery realizing all the mannerisms I don’t like… it’s because I do them to. And the only reason I’ve had any sense of goodness was because of the prospect of marrying Stacey Peterson for the last five years. But before that, I was just a selfish, adolescent douchebag. And I’ve been going to an amazing church for the last five years not remembering who I was, thinking that I was better then everyone else because of Stacey. Because we were a team from outer space. That’s what I thought. But now it’s all coming back. I was the biggest scumbag on the earth. And I still am. I might as well be riding a Harley with chains hanging off my waist and fifty year old leathers that look like they’ve seen Death Valley three hundred times and smell like that dead cow rotting on the side of the road that you wonder why no one has touched and then realize it’s because you can’t get within fifty feet of it without throwing up. Like the time the student had a booger hanging out of his nose and you got a napkin to get it out and grabbed it and you could feel it and it would just slip out of your grip, and just hang out a little more almost into his mouth. And his tongue came exploring and tasting and testing and drool puddle under his lower lip in that crease right above his chin. Like that.

Now my ankle is slightly swollen from the tick that got me as I rode by and the prospect of even approaching wilder ranch seems like the worst idea ever. Before amber wandered into my path I was 5e coolest guy around. Biking at night. Prepping for some races. She better turn around. I gave up everything for her five year old personali that was helplessly mumbling and wandering and hiding. The whole way home I had to back track and get her back out of the bushes or a driveway because she was so afraid. But I didn’t pick her up this morning, and I have a feeling I won’t be hearing from her. I hope it sent her a message. Do the right thing! If she turned around it would be a miracle and a miracle worth fighting for.

Today was great. Albeit slow. I got my electrical work planned with Pge to do a panel upgrade. I haven’t decided what to do about cabinets. They are expensive. I need cabinets, floor, and carpet now. And paint. Cabinets will run 2000, I only need a few, carpet probably 1000, flooring 1000. Paint. 100. Driveway 3000. And I can basically afford one of the above. So I’ll probably skip the cabinets and driveway and build some shelving under the counter. Carpet would be really great. Oh and the heater. It’s broken. I could rebuild the valve again. I don’t want to! I guess I’ll do that tomorrow. Oh and a new patio door. 300. Oh man!

I don’t know why I had to go through that. The last week. Month. Three months. Year. Ten years. And how poorly I treated so many people. I feel better today. More at peace than ever. More of myself than ever. Therapy yesterday was huge. We confronted my monster and understood his deepest wounds. I don’t hate everyone anymore. I might actually have fond feelings for my neighbors. Taj said hi yesterday and I felt like he was a friend. And Andy feels like a friend. And Jeff. And Jill. And Mike. Dave. Kara. Cara. Dee. My best friend Alex. My poor little sister. The bell and giro team. Richard sent out an email from church and I thought, wow that is a loving church. It was hard to see before. Amber called me from jail last night. I couldn’t get her. I need recoupersting time for my own wounds. I realize she was never the problem. It was just past things for me. I slyly and subconsciously took it out on her. Just like I do to everyone. But make myself feel good because I have a house and I have a clean life. That has all changed since yesterday. This morning, I had no worry. No job. No worry. I’ll get a job. It’ll be ok. Even if I have to live on the street, I have my sobriety. I’ll never go that low. That’s what’s amazing. Living in the street wouldn’t be bad. For me it would be fun. Engineering all sort so things for people. Start a little business in a tent and maybe a trading market. I’d have it all figured out. And I know how to push these little buggers minds to take some action. It won’t get to homelessness for me. But it wouldn’t be bad.

Well now I am sick and I got a tick bite yesterday. I made it to the horse riding today and screwed down my subfloor. If this isn’t the bottom I don’t know what is. I saw my counselor as well. It was horrible. I am making it through. Things have been tearing me apart inside for the last three months. I am processing. It is a little crazy. Every morning I wake up in this daze. It’s definitely depression and it’s happening for a reason. It’s ok. I will make it through. I asked for this. Total death! It hurts!!! I don’t know anything anymore except that I am a scumbag. It’s really setting in. I don’t deserve anything. Even for all the work I’ve done. All I deserve is peace in Gods presence. My whole idea of that has changed. It used to be contingent on something in me. Now I realize it has nothing to do with me. I can just hope to do some work tommorrow and not eat a bunch of cookies. And just journal and somehow make it through!

Dirt biking. Sea otter classic. Old cabin classic. Wharf to wharf. Remodel. Job. Therapy. The therapy is working! I watched some videos of the sea otter classic downhill. I don’t think my bike will handle the jumps. But it would be so cool. I might try and ride it this weekend to see. I ink I am going to stick with my original hardwood floor all the way. And the old carpet. For now. Until everything is painted. Things are good around here. I cleaned everything and put everything away. In the midst of things it was a mess with electrical work plumbing and framing all going on. I need to fix my saw. The guard lost a screw and it sticks open. That’s a nightmare waiting to happen!!! I cleaned my car. That felt good. And made the black plastic a little shiny instead of dull. That really made me feel good. I sailed last night. It went well. The guys on the boat are so afraid of the spinnaker. It’s just a big blanket! That’s all! Amber is back! It’s weird having this person here. You can’t rely on her to do anything. I want to think she’s a giant brat using everyone. But that means something. Under my ego response is an understanding of her situation. And it’s bad! She’s getting better though! She’s taking better care of herself. Like she actually cares about herself. She’s staying clean and more coherent. More coherent within the delusion atleast.

It was good. I was rested I suppose. I flew up. Took a secret shortcut that requires hiking. But it only saved me one minute! I guess one minute is better than none. Coming down was slow. Dark and muddy. Brought my light. Saw a bat. Met Sean at the Rincin connector. He is racing the old cabin classic. I am going to try to sign up tonight. Oh man. Wow. That is going to be interesting. I brought my pump and patches. Didn’t want to have to walk tonight. Don’t have time right now. Well I do but I’d rather… Well … actually maybe I shouldn’t have brought it. Walking home would have been fun. I talked to a man under the bridge last night. I said, if you could say anything in the world what would you say? He couldn’t think of anything. I asked him what he hopes for. He went on for 30 minutes and ended with, yourself? Me? I hope for a steady job and to treat other nicely and not get angry. Oddly, today was amazingly by. Every part of it. Wow. I got a lot done. I framed my gable vent because it used to look like a nightmare. Then amber showed back up. She’s doing ok. She has been sleeping. She prayed with me for like 10 minutes!!! It was amazing! Then I went riding. A bird was chiro by on top of my new trellace that I made today as welll. Wow. 8 years later. I also stopped and talked to sunny. He needs work. I might employ him to paint my gable vent!!! Also got some cookies. Bargain market has an epic deal on tomatoes and tomato juice right now. No almond milk though. Wow. Good tomatoes though.

Ohhh I want out of this town!!! I feel like I’m cornered. I spent the last 14 years lookin at myself and resolving my problems. I made up for my mistakes. I forgave others. I let go of things, money tv, and instant gratification. And now that’s all that’s here! There this entire movement of let’s be dumb! No I want to be smart! And help! And progress! Ohh is it me?! What the heck! Excercise you people! Get outside! Everything is fun when you let it all go! There’s bunch of grumps. I’m not a grump anymore. You big grown up grumps!

Ewwwww interesting ride yesterday. Felt slow. Very slow. Came down Zane grey really fast. Got a front flat. Some Little Rock had released and rolled down to the bottom of a little hill and I came righ in to it. Something inside of me actually wants to just destroy those little wheels on my cyclecross. So I wasn’t riding that carefully. I was going pretty fast. The old cabin classic… I hope I can still sign up. Anyway, walked down. Saw the bobcat again. Took a video with my go pro. Then found someone wi5 a tube. My iPad is deliberately horrible at typing. Then put the tube on and did it again. Got a rear flat. Walked down. Was walking down the highway when a tourist got lost and pulled over. Asked me some questions. Then they gave me a ride home! Ohh nothing felt good about yesterday. And my knees hurt. Ugh I feel like I’m surrounded by molasses. Like the world is now healing and grieving and the whole country is just in dismay. And I’m like, hey guys I’ve been here 5is whole time! Why does my iPad think th is 5??? It keeps doing that. And now it thinks that’s the preferred spelling. Anyway. I need to be more assertive of who i am. I don’t want t9 be mr dumb go along wi5 all the dumb people who won’t get moving! Ohhhh. Let’s go?! Run! Bike! Build! Draw! Read! Stay active in the head you wackos! This isn’t over! This is not the end!!!

It in fact it had nothin to do with her and certainly was not her fault. I just crashed again majorly. I am so on top of things that I kept doing my work and my life continued, but internally it was. A massive struggle. I barely slept. I overate and out on a few pounds. I seriously brake checked quite a few people who were tail gating me. It seems like people love to push right when someone needs to go slow. And brake checks are perfectly legal and perfectly acceptable to me. I give people room. No one brake checks me. I just slam them on and almost come to a stop. If you’re going to drive you better be alert. And I can get out of the way if I really need to. Anyway! Ohhh but it hurt. It felt like I was dying. Everyone hated me. I had no one to go to and no where to go. That’s what it felt like. Luckily I did have people to go to. Oh I did yell at amber. Those were the times I was forcing her out of my house. I think that was a little over board. So what happened? It was definitely my deepest most subtle hurts. Ohhhh it hurt. And it takes so long to surface, then gather trust, then release, then process. Everything has changed again. I can’t believe I even got the opportunity to really heal. It is so hard and painful and slow. But it must be done. I don’t know how my life has afforded this. I did sell my sailboat so I could afford therapy. I would definitely rather still have it be doing epic night runs on the bay with friends. Ohhh man. I still have a design for a 30 foot surf board with a giant racing mast and a tent on it. But the therapy is good. It cost me my job in a way. I needed a serious leave of absence. I just couldn’t ask for it. But I think the heart and soul are a good investment for the future. It’s just so difficult to realize, how many people around me have had this peace the whole time. That almost makes it seem nit even worth it to keep going. Like I I did all of that and had all that trouble just to have what you’ve already had the whole time? And it certainly wasn’t my fault. It feels like, I don’t even want it if it took that much work and you already had it!!! Like working your whole life to own a house just to realize your neighbor got theirs for free. That’s why I put manual labor into mine. Because I know the neighbors are paying more than me. I want to work hard too! It must be done.

It went pretty well. He came in and looked at the plumbing and I knew what he was thinking. This is the best plumbing I have ever seen in my life. And I was 5inking, I know, I’m the most awesome person in the world. He said this looks good I don’t need to see all of it. Now all of a sudden I am feeling pretty good and on top of the world. As long as I don’t have to talk to anyone.

For a night ride. Oh wow. But I went to a paddle out in remembrance today of Jesus. A lot of focus is often put on how bad the people were that killed him, and that doesn’t make any sense to me. My focus is that if he is who he said he was, and it is a fact that he lived and was killed, then God is real and I am free from being a scumbag. And I think all of that is a lot subtler than I have always been taught. God created everything, and it isn’t that big of a deal to him, it just is. It is what it is. He is. Not that big of a deal if it is real. He just is. That’s what he said. I am. And the crucifixion, it just happened. And if you choose him, he will set you free. In the beginning was the word. That was him. The truth will set you free. He was the truth. It’s almost too utterly simple to explain so he had to use parables and all these other weird ways of saying things. It isn’t that complicated. He said abide in my word, and you will know. This is a knowledge that comes from action, there might not be words for it! Does it make sense yet?! Yes, no?

It’s like you have to forget everything you know, let go of everything, sell everything, give all your money to the poor, forget what the word Jesus means to you, forget what you think he looks like, forget your family, forget your parents, leave everything behind, forget everything about “Jesus”, and get to know the real person by abiding in him for real. Not a caricature. Not an idea. Not something you were taught.

AND NOT A CULTURE.

But you’re experience of him for real and the experience of abiding in him. And that means finding a love inside for anyone. No matter what. And for the simple minded, yes that includes Hitler, your beloved stereotype of evil. And white supremacists. Because you actually aren’t any better. From my point of view. For me it’s huge! And I have soooo far to go. But it’s amazing to see what happens. What he said does have power, it just is not at all how I imagined it.