The sloth

I don’t know what is going on. I think I am trying harder to have a gentler impact on people around me. Or something. Every day is like a massive granite boulder. I can’t hardly move! I get good sleep. I exercise. But I don’t have any drive! When I was at work I had everything down to a tee. It’s like I’m in a spell or something. I keep getting rid of things thinking it’s my things weighing me down. Maybe it’s my car??? I just can’t make any decisions either. It’s like someone took me and put me in molasses. Don’t do anything. Don’t make any decisions. I sleep. Then I sit on the couch. Staring and praying. Maybe I’m stuck in a childhood trauma? That’s sort of what it feels like. Like I can’t make it stop. I can’t get away from it either. This is horrible! Maybe I need to move? Maybe I need to move.

oh it’s just depressing. I mean I spent ten years working through all of it and clearing everything out of my life. And so now I’m just ready and present and accepting. But I feel like I’m just surrounded by drunks and parties and people stuck in this gooey tension control habit and all this muck. But I am afraid to express what I know because it is piercing. I mean really is this how you all want to spend the rest of your lives? Never really looking at yourself and your life? Never finding happiness in just being? What is the deal?? Ohhhhh man.

Evil rumors

Sometimes I get the impression that there are these evil rumors about me. Like I am bein carefully watched and scrutinized for every facial expression I make or every person to whom I look at. Or every noise I make. I am free to live and act however I act! I can’t control my body language! And that’s ok! If there are rumors, it’s just other people pain and defenses. It’s their only option. If they could do something more healthy they would.

 

When she got a restraining order against me, I really appreciated that she had write out her side. And that I had to read it. It showed me her perspective. She had values and priorities that were different than mine. It was like being exposed to this other world, that didn’t yet exist in my comprehension of reality. So I set out to find it.

 

Even if we weren’t friends, we did have a relationship. It consisted of me writing her a letter, and then her writing me a letter, in the form of legal paperwork. But I loved it! It was her hand writing and the truth written out.

There is no hope

I feel so lost. Everything is different with a toe down. No biking. No videos. Just sitting at the house thinking about how I want to change everything. Then I sit. I used to have all of this direction and drive. But honestly now I am so confused. I was working so hard towards something, and now it seems like everything is against me. I have all of these people who can’t see past today, and they keep tying to bring me down. What do they want??? I suppose I can just ignore them. Ahh I feel so stuck. What on earth is my purpose? It’s like everyone else hasn’t spent the last five years working. They’re all still unhappy! Everything I do is easy! And I’m happy to do it! And everyone belittles the guy who’s not trying to dominate everything! But is actually just getting things done! How can I come across as real?

Adventures

I have been adventuring out a little socially. It’s scary. I am working hard at defining what is right and what I believe in in the moment. There is a lot of social pressure. Most people don’t live like me. I am simple and seem to have an abundance of extra time. Other people don’t understand that. I feel like even if I had a significant other we would both have an abundance of extra time and energy, because we wouldn’t be winding up our energy in unresolvable conflicts. We would just love each other!

Silence

I think it’s good to be careful in life right now. Just be attentive and strong. It seems like everyone is trying to bring me down. I suppose that is the effect of trying to reach out. I think I am codeoendent. I think I have something to offer to everyone. I do! I have a caring attention. I have cleared my life out and now I can just be present for people. But it seems like I am be being judged heavily for something I haven’t done. I keep walking into people’s lives and they project things on to me. I need to ignore these people. I can’t give that part of them attention. But that necessarily means I need to seek other friendships! So I am trying out some friendships. I feel like Ally Mcbeal or something. At 30. Trying out new friendships. I just wish I could tell someone how much I love them.

Truevalue

its times when your hurt that you realize the true meaning of things. Like eggs. It’s baby material. Theyre probably good for healing and rebuilding. Or milk. And carrots. Ohh carrots. They’re crunchy. And tasty. And they’re usually super snack sized. Like a king sized candy bar. And they have all those awesome colors when you bite through them. And you know that all those colors are good for you. And they have a little pony tail too! It’s just great. And they come straight out if the dirt. Where matter begins.

Immunomentality

I had spent years meticulously crafting an immune system made of carrots, broccoli, cabbage, tomatoes, beets, Brussels sprouts, and no caffeine or alcohol. So I hadn’t gotten the cold in the last two years. It took three years of careful attention and mental attention. So when I almost cut my toe in half with a jack hammer, I wasn’t concerned. I just sat for four hours until I realized it was leaking blood out of the bandage still. I went to the mental clinic and they took off the bandage and it was better then I thought. They X rayed it and found a fracture and tendons that were still functional. It was cut half way through. So they stitched it up, tucked the nail matrix back in, and called it a day. Thank God for limbs, and anesthetics!!

 

The trauma cycle

Some people say the silver lining to digging out of an evil situation is that you are a help to others that are recovering as well. That does not make sense to me because it sort of justifies evil … if the evil didn’t exist in the first place then no one would need to recover from it! So how do I understand evil? How do I justify its existence? I still don’t know, but I can look at what I know about Jesus and God. Clearly if God exists he is not completely stopping evil. His answer was to ask man to stop doing evil, through the commandments, and then later he created Jesus who supposedly embodied God and then was sacrificed, literally, for mans evil choices. So there seems to be this evil force, and people can choose to follow it or not. I’m always looking for blame. Do I blame a person or do I blame evil. Blaming evil has helped me understand things better. I think the next step is stopping to look for blame. And that comes from gratitude I think. I have been in deep grief and definitely moving towards the last step, between depression and acceptance. My counselor has talked me through the stages of grief, and it definitely lines up exactly with my experience. I am in a huge depression and I started looking for excitement at work and with coffee to cover it up. But now I am just in it, slowly building strength again; and getting glimpses of the holy grail. Acceptance. Where I can see the good and forgive the bad.

What’s that?

That’s right! I am unemployed. What does this mean to you? I am not taking your money! That’s what it means! I had sat, relatively longly, and realized, for every person that has a dollar, they’ve taken that dollar from someone else! And my knees were good, my back was good, and my eyes were good. So I supposed I didn’t need anything right now. And looking ahead 80 years, if I did things in a sustainable way without damaging my knees, back, or eyes, I supposed I wouldn’t need much more for the future as well. So I pondered as I sat. After a while, I realized I had been sitting for eight months! It was time to get back to work.

What had just happened? I don’t know. It sure felt like I was working towards something, but after all of it, I didn’t think I had anything to show for it. I didn’t have a million dollars. My house was still mostly unfinished. My car … I did have a well taken care of car. That’s worth atleast $8,000. But in church on Sunday, Brandon mentioned a billion dollars. And I started laughing hysterically. I don’t have much money at all. But I felt like a billionaire. I really did. It’s an amazing feeling. I had actually prayed six years ago that I would be a billionaire. It’s funny how that works.

I suppose I had done something. I had given up a lot. And in not having anything, I had everything. It was pretty amazing. And epic. It was like when you get on your bike, and the hill in front of you goes down. Oh man! It’s like that.