Is it real? And have I wandered into it? A month before I broke my toe, I couldn’t sleep because that exact toe felt like it was being stabbed. I thought it was weird. The next day at work someone was talking about voodoo inside the robot software code we wrote, and I thought I wonder if that was voodoo?
But who do the voodoo? And why do the voodoo? Don’t do the voodoo!
Then today I gave Amber a ride to Garfield church. I asked her and her friend if they wanted to go sailing, to do something healthy, and she asked if a ride to church. When I dropped her off, she apologized for last night. And last night was rough for me. I looked at her puzzled. I live on the other side of town. I said, I haven’t talked to you in a number of days. She just looked at me. Then she said I’m sorry for what I said. I think she thinks I am there or can hear her. Sometimes she asks if I left something for her. Like the nails at the bottom of the stairs. No, sorry, I did not leave the nails there for you. Hopefully you did something creative with them! It was like the lady walking down the road shooting off a fire extinguisher. It was bizarre. But I had to respect the creativity and resourcefulness. But every now and then I get really freaked out by her. Did she make my night miserable with voodoo? Or was she just an easy target for me to blame my problems on? I mean, she was homeless. It’s definitely probably her fault. But the weird thing is, inside of all of it, she knows she’s homeless, and she knows she’s a target because of it. This baffles me. It suggests that either 1. she has a victim mentality and is using homelessness to fortify her victimship, or 2. She is that desperately mentally out of control and yet still has some high level social faculty. And I think it’s number 2. And that excites me. Because it means she could use that faculty to reprocess the rest of her dissociations and integrate herself. And that’s exciting.
All I had to do is figure out the right words. Ask the right questions and tell her the right things. It would trigger that strong part of her to put her own pieces back together and learn to test what is real and not and start trusting and depending on real, good, things.
The problem with all of this, part of it was a metaphor for me that I was projecting on to her. The situation with Stacey. What was reality? I couldn’t know until August. Until then there was nothing to test.
I was entranced by her psyche. I read how things work constantly as a kid and took everything apart. It made me different from a lot of engineers because I knew the common way of doing most things. And the psyche was a big complex machine to me. And you only get a good glimpse of it, as far as I have seen, from childish states. I think that is why I like kids so much. You can better see things going on in their head. Adults are conditioned to being robots. But not kids. And amber was a very special case. An adult with adult faculty and an extremely childish piece as well. She had this massive range of dynamics going on in her psyche. And she had no problem talking about all of it.