Well now I am sick and I got a tick bite yesterday. I made it to the horse riding today and screwed down my subfloor. If this isn’t the bottom I don’t know what is. I saw my counselor as well. It was horrible. I am making it through. Things have been tearing me apart inside for the last three months. I am processing. It is a little crazy. Every morning I wake up in this daze. It’s definitely depression and it’s happening for a reason. It’s ok. I will make it through. I asked for this. Total death! It hurts!!! I don’t know anything anymore except that I am a scumbag. It’s really setting in. I don’t deserve anything. Even for all the work I’ve done. All I deserve is peace in Gods presence. My whole idea of that has changed. It used to be contingent on something in me. Now I realize it has nothing to do with me. I can just hope to do some work tommorrow and not eat a bunch of cookies. And just journal and somehow make it through!

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