When I let myself have thoughts

This whole constant meditation thing is good. Wow. When I now let myself have thoughts, it’s a nightmare. I look at every single person around. If they are small and look vulnerable, I think they need to be saved. And I want to save all of them. If they are bigger than me or seem to have more, they are a threat. If they are tailgating me, they are a threat. If I see anything mechanical I stare at it intensely imagining how it works. It goes on and on. I have a lot of unnecessary thoughts. A lot about saving people. Everyone. They need me! They need my attention! So now getting around town is a lot easier.

It’s just me, and me meeting my needs.

State of mind

So apparently when she called me to get a ride from jail, she walked to Dominican. She asked me for a ride to Dominican. But I didn’t think it was that serious. That’s the thing with her. She actually being honest. She doesn’t realize what is going on with her. So she checked in to Dominican for injuries and they sent her to the psyche hospital. That’s how I felt when I first saw her. But now I know how to get her to the hospital.

The problem

My main problem currently is I am not getting 5ings down on paper. So I wake up and I’m just stuck. Over burdened. All these hints going on in my mind. So I sat down this morning and wrote down everything I know about Amber. This was good. I relayed it to the social worker at the hospital she is currently in. Then I wrote out things I want to do at my house. Not need to, want to. Then plans for my work. And scheduled things. Oh this was seriously holding me back. Next, my mind is wandering way too much. I realized this after reading about meditation. It said if you have a thought, ack owledge it, and then clear your mind. I did this today for ten minutes parked in public. I started realizing how many wasteful, unnecessary distracting, and useless thoughts I have about each person, each car. Doing this exercise helped me focus. While I drove home, I continued the exercise. And I was free. It was just me. Driving. Smiling. And going somewhere. And I saw how many people are constantly trapped in this mannerism of takin care of everyone. And there’s no need for it. Just drive where you need to go. Ask for help when you need it. That’s what I need to hear right now. I’m constantly trying to please everyone, in case I ever need help. Bu I don’t need help right now. Do I have to please everyone? I’ll still help you regenerate you really need help regardless.

Trail riding reset

Well I’m went dirt biking with the Ruts in hollister. They loaned me two different bikes and I went in two rides today. You could put me on any bike and I’d have a blast. It was a ton of fun. There’s something about me and two wheels and engines. Wow. We went up hills through rugs around turns off camber turns berms jumps downhills rocks faces trails it was good. I love doing sweep, you go and collect all the signs for the route. It’s technical and you have to be good at getting your bike right in the right spot to stop it and balance and get the sign. Then stuff them all in your pouch and everyone thinks your special because you’ve got s pouch full of trail markers. Then off you go! Roll into first gently. Then second. Then third. Then hammer it. Up the hill. Bumps? More throttle and hold on and keep the front going straight. The fourth. Ohhhh. Or on a level trail fifth and sixth! Ohhh and the engine, two or four stroke, just purrs right up to red line. And instinctively you know where to shift. Then down hill. A little crazy. Bike flopping around. No engine. Barely getting any traction. Then around a turn and hit flat ground again and pin it!!!

Reality bytes

Ouch. I’m sitting in celebrate recovery realizing all the mannerisms I don’t like… it’s because I do them to. And the only reason I’ve had any sense of goodness was because of the prospect of marrying Stacey Peterson for the last five years. But before that, I was just a selfish, adolescent douchebag. And I’ve been going to an amazing church for the last five years not remembering who I was, thinking that I was better then everyone else because of Stacey. Because we were a team from outer space. That’s what I thought. But now it’s all coming back. I was the biggest scumbag on the earth. And I still am. I might as well be riding a Harley with chains hanging off my waist and fifty year old leathers that look like they’ve seen Death Valley three hundred times and smell like that dead cow rotting on the side of the road that you wonder why no one has touched and then realize it’s because you can’t get within fifty feet of it without throwing up. Like the time the student had a booger hanging out of his nose and you got a napkin to get it out and grabbed it and you could feel it and it would just slip out of your grip, and just hang out a little more almost into his mouth. And his tongue came exploring and tasting and testing and drool puddle under his lower lip in that crease right above his chin. Like that.

Now my ankle is slightly swollen from the tick that got me as I rode by and the prospect of even approaching wilder ranch seems like the worst idea ever. Before amber wandered into my path I was 5e coolest guy around. Biking at night. Prepping for some races. She better turn around. I gave up everything for her five year old personali that was helplessly mumbling and wandering and hiding. The whole way home I had to back track and get her back out of the bushes or a driveway because she was so afraid. But I didn’t pick her up this morning, and I have a feeling I won’t be hearing from her. I hope it sent her a message. Do the right thing! If she turned around it would be a miracle and a miracle worth fighting for.

Today was great. Albeit slow. I got my electrical work planned with Pge to do a panel upgrade. I haven’t decided what to do about cabinets. They are expensive. I need cabinets, floor, and carpet now. And paint. Cabinets will run 2000, I only need a few, carpet probably 1000, flooring 1000. Paint. 100. Driveway 3000. And I can basically afford one of the above. So I’ll probably skip the cabinets and driveway and build some shelving under the counter. Carpet would be really great. Oh and the heater. It’s broken. I could rebuild the valve again. I don’t want to! I guess I’ll do that tomorrow. Oh and a new patio door. 300. Oh man!

God help me

I don’t know why I had to go through that. The last week. Month. Three months. Year. Ten years. And how poorly I treated so many people. I feel better today. More at peace than ever. More of myself than ever. Therapy yesterday was huge. We confronted my monster and understood his deepest wounds. I don’t hate everyone anymore. I might actually have fond feelings for my neighbors. Taj said hi yesterday and I felt like he was a friend. And Andy feels like a friend. And Jeff. And Jill. And Mike. Dave. Kara. Cara. Dee. My best friend Alex. My poor little sister. The bell and giro team. Richard sent out an email from church and I thought, wow that is a loving church. It was hard to see before. Amber called me from jail last night. I couldn’t get her. I need recoupersting time for my own wounds. I realize she was never the problem. It was just past things for me. I slyly and subconsciously took it out on her. Just like I do to everyone. But make myself feel good because I have a house and I have a clean life. That has all changed since yesterday. This morning, I had no worry. No job. No worry. I’ll get a job. It’ll be ok. Even if I have to live on the street, I have my sobriety. I’ll never go that low. That’s what’s amazing. Living in the street wouldn’t be bad. For me it would be fun. Engineering all sort so things for people. Start a little business in a tent and maybe a trading market. I’d have it all figured out. And I know how to push these little buggers minds to take some action. It won’t get to homelessness for me. But it wouldn’t be bad.

Recouping

Well now I am sick and I got a tick bite yesterday. I made it to the horse riding today and screwed down my subfloor. If this isn’t the bottom I don’t know what is. I saw my counselor as well. It was horrible. I am making it through. Things have been tearing me apart inside for the last three months. I am processing. It is a little crazy. Every morning I wake up in this daze. It’s definitely depression and it’s happening for a reason. It’s ok. I will make it through. I asked for this. Total death! It hurts!!! I don’t know anything anymore except that I am a scumbag. It’s really setting in. I don’t deserve anything. Even for all the work I’ve done. All I deserve is peace in Gods presence. My whole idea of that has changed. It used to be contingent on something in me. Now I realize it has nothing to do with me. I can just hope to do some work tommorrow and not eat a bunch of cookies. And just journal and somehow make it through!

Too much to do

Dirt biking. Sea otter classic. Old cabin classic. Wharf to wharf. Remodel. Job. Therapy. The therapy is working! I watched some videos of the sea otter classic downhill. I don’t think my bike will handle the jumps. But it would be so cool. I might try and ride it this weekend to see. I ink I am going to stick with my original hardwood floor all the way. And the old carpet. For now. Until everything is painted. Things are good around here. I cleaned everything and put everything away. In the midst of things it was a mess with electrical work plumbing and framing all going on. I need to fix my saw. The guard lost a screw and it sticks open. That’s a nightmare waiting to happen!!! I cleaned my car. That felt good. And made the black plastic a little shiny instead of dull. That really made me feel good. I sailed last night. It went well. The guys on the boat are so afraid of the spinnaker. It’s just a big blanket! That’s all! Amber is back! It’s weird having this person here. You can’t rely on her to do anything. I want to think she’s a giant brat using everyone. But that means something. Under my ego response is an understanding of her situation. And it’s bad! She’s getting better though! She’s taking better care of herself. Like she actually cares about herself. She’s staying clean and more coherent. More coherent within the delusion atleast.

The ride

It was good. I was rested I suppose. I flew up. Took a secret shortcut that requires hiking. But it only saved me one minute! I guess one minute is better than none. Coming down was slow. Dark and muddy. Brought my light. Saw a bat. Met Sean at the Rincin connector. He is racing the old cabin classic. I am going to try to sign up tonight. Oh man. Wow. That is going to be interesting. I brought my pump and patches. Didn’t want to have to walk tonight. Don’t have time right now. Well I do but I’d rather… Well … actually maybe I shouldn’t have brought it. Walking home would have been fun. I talked to a man under the bridge last night. I said, if you could say anything in the world what would you say? He couldn’t think of anything. I asked him what he hopes for. He went on for 30 minutes and ended with, yourself? Me? I hope for a steady job and to treat other nicely and not get angry. Oddly, today was amazingly by. Every part of it. Wow. I got a lot done. I framed my gable vent because it used to look like a nightmare. Then amber showed back up. She’s doing ok. She has been sleeping. She prayed with me for like 10 minutes!!! It was amazing! Then I went riding. A bird was chiro by on top of my new trellace that I made today as welll. Wow. 8 years later. I also stopped and talked to sunny. He needs work. I might employ him to paint my gable vent!!! Also got some cookies. Bargain market has an epic deal on tomatoes and tomato juice right now. No almond milk though. Wow. Good tomatoes though.

Take me to the hills!

Ohhh I want out of this town!!! I feel like I’m cornered. I spent the last 14 years lookin at myself and resolving my problems. I made up for my mistakes. I forgave others. I let go of things, money tv, and instant gratification. And now that’s all that’s here! There this entire movement of let’s be dumb! No I want to be smart! And help! And progress! Ohh is it me?! What the heck! Excercise you people! Get outside! Everything is fun when you let it all go! There’s bunch of grumps. I’m not a grump anymore. You big grown up grumps!