Life is a score

Dear Stacey,

Stacey-1, Kyle-0

You were right again!! What happens to me? I don’t know! Things trigger me. I get scared. Then I flip out.

The bar. Bars have always scared me. My dad took me to bars when I was little. I should know this, but I don’t.

Oh my God. I went to the grocery store. These two teenagers in the parking lot started saying weird things to me about trump and about wearing a face mask. I slammed my door and left. I had to go back to get my iPhone. They said something else. I stared very hard at them and told them to leave me alone. They said my window is down. I left it down by choice. I told them that is my business. I felt that I was going to want to drag them out of their car and make them leave. So I looked at them very intently and said, goodbye, have a nice day. They didn’t leave. So I said it louder. Goodbye have a nice day. And they left! At the store a lady was purposely bending over wearing shirt shorts in front of me and looking back at me. I caught myself looking at her legs, this is an unconscious weird thing, so I closed my eyes and then made a disgusted look and looked away sternly. At the counter the teenager sternly said how are you doing today? I said the same thing louder and more sternly back and stood their staring down as hard as I could. Someone came and took over the register. I said thank you and left.

It takes a lot to have good boundaries and just do the right thing, and only the right thing.

I feel like I am going in circles! Here I am, back in this muck again. But this time I didn’t get pulled in. Oh it is trying. Hard.

I am realizing, everyone is trying to do the right thing. That’s a common ground to talk about. I wished I had been curious in these situations. Do you believe in doing the right thing? I could have asked that.

But wtf? I spent the morning connecting people, counseling an older widow who is housing young homeless men, then I took her stuff to the landfill, then these guys. It’s like, what world are you guys in?!

What world do you people live in? As far as I can tell, you live in about this much (hand gesture) of the world that I see.

That’s how I felt.

Or this!

I don’t know what you guys want from me. I suppose you might want more clarity. It is a long hard and rewarding path. Is that what you want? To do the right thing? Because that is what I want. But I always fail. But can we agree that we both want to do the right thing?

Or maybe, I don’t know how I am doing. Why don’t you tell me.

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