It’s happening

I’m becoming a biker freak. Ever since I started believing in God I started being really humble and just accepting what I have. But this whole old cabin classic race has me thinking about all sorts of things. Like maybe a new stem for my bike. And keeping it all race ready. And a new helmet. And some sweet bike clothing. And shoes. And on and on. And do a epic ride in the morning, then get an on point breakfast burrito and some de caffeinated java junction. And shoot some kewapo super depth of field color enhanced images with my iPhone that would have been impossible with my old Slr with 400 iso film in it and a 100 mm lense at f16.

How do you take good pictures. Understand that your camera won’t see what you see, and take a ton of shots with a little movement around the scene and not worrying too much about perfect composition because you can crop it. Understand depth of field and the limitations of your image medium, whether it’s film or a ccd. I think that’s the key.

How do you love someone. Understand that they are the most amazing person in the world. With or without the beautiful part.

I think I crossed paths with Amber because we’re both in the same spot. It’s possibly a transition period. I’m feeling like, really. I just spent so much effort working so hard on myself and for other people, first cleaning organizing and planning, then executing fast work in simple steps. But everything exploded it seems like. Or the path I was working so hard towards … was a dead end. So I’m readjusting. A big readjustment. I just hope everyone sees the good that I brought. It’s hard to see if your codependent. But the physical reality, without the emotions, is that I brought a lot of hard work and good things to the world.

She called me today and left a voicemail. I last dropped her off with a stranger, some guy, who said she wanted a ride to the shelter. He seeemd extremely sketchy. I didn’t feel right leaving her but all she has to do is say one thing and then he’s going to start trying to defend her. She did that to me before. Haha. So today she calls and says hi it’s me, something happened I don’t know what. I’m trying to figure out what happened. I got some spirulena. Anyway I’m on the west side. I hope you’re doing well. You know where to find me. Bye.

She often leaves me messages like this. I have no idea what any of it means. Sean would say something similar. Something happened. But I don’t know what.

I think it is true schizophrenia. Either from or in combination with drugs. It’s like she’ll be a different person for a while then she comes back and acts like nothing happened. I do this in some ways. Maybe that is why I understand her. Like to me, each conversation I have continues in my head. So I’ll try to continue a conversation from a week ago with someone and they get really confused.

She called again and I atleast got to tell her that I really appreciated the drawings and that her glitter drawing was beautiful and it meant a lot to me. She was acting fairly normal. She hinted at needing a ride instead of demanding. We shared information about our day. I told her I lost my car keys. She said ok it sounds like you need to deal with your own life today. I said thanks for calling I’m glad you’re ok! It was respectful and cordial.

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