Again! After leaving Stacey a voicemail and talking to my mom this week, I feel like a completely different person. Much more integrated. And actually more consistent. This is the miracle. The program. I need more of this. Those 12steps. They’re so interesting. They figured out that if you pray to change and then go make amends with someone, it almost forces you to change and to find peace. But the real magic is the fourth step. How do you find your faults? Look at who you resent. And then figure out your fault in it. It’s always there. And it always resolves if you look to the bottom. So I suppose I am missing something with Stacey. Jealousy perhaps. I am jealous of her and of her friends and her last relationship. I acted out towards her out of jealousy. That doesn’t quite make sense. There’s still some missing detail. Maybe she could help me out with that?
Today was huge. I feel more and more like a real real estate agent everyday. It’s a huge responsibility. And I’m sober and the process of meeting hundreds of people seriously reveals my character defects. It gives me stuff to work on. It’s made me a little depressed. But that’s ok. I always grow. What am I growing towards right now? I have no idea. Peace it must be. Maybe more. I don’t know. But I am growing! Are you growing?
Eggs. Broccoli. Tomatoes. Mushrooms. Epic.
I have a black skillet. This thing is strange. It never burns anything. It just charrs it. It’s never too hot. And sometimes it seems like it doesn’t have Enough heat to cook everything. But it always pulls through and cook everything perfectly. It’s an odd pan.
I watched Dave chap Elle last night on my phone. I felt dirty today. Mainstream media and culture. It’s funky. I haven’t watched any of it for six years. I hope to never again. I am mich happier without it. Books. And informational shows.
Chapelle is a genius. And he is funny. But all of mainstream media is based on this grunge. The ugly side of humanity. Competition. I don’t want to compete. I want to fit in and do my part.
I was watching the seagulls today at the beach. Next to the people. It was beautiful. And I saw just a bunch of life. Not seagulls and people. But a bunch of life all together. It was good. I can’t stand watching videos of people with animals. It’s like they project themselves on to the animal. And they don’t understand the animal. They just try to control it. The same with kids and parents. Most parents don’t understand their kids at all. I do. I understand kids.
I think capitalism necessarily includes homelessness. Does democracy necessarily include capitalism?