This is my amends to you. I will stay in AA forever because I need the program to work my life.
I did stalk you. I knew you would be in the bridge. I didn’t know when. My plan got all messed up and I was delayed by an hour. I planned to just ride it once for myself, and if I saw you, then great. Of course, we met. You were clearly afraid.
I did harass you by leaving a voicemail a day. I was also aggravated on one voicemail. I was obsessive and neurotic.
More importantly, and I think you sensed this, is I was objectifying you and trusting you like a subordinate.
The program helps me resolve these behaviors and gives me happiness and peace.
You bring a strong happiness, peace, and clarity to me.
You refused to read my response, but I think it might clear a few things up. I was not feeling happy enough to read it aloud. Here it is:
Response to Stacey’s Statements
1. General Response to Orders 1
2. Response to Specific incidents 1
3. Stacey’s profound and beneficial effect on my life 2
4. Conclusion 4
1. General Response to Orders
a. I did stalk and scare Stacey. I was trying to propose to her and I did scare her with an aggravated approach, attitude, and language. Especially considering my past belligerent behavior. I am wondering if she would dismiss this order for another agreement. I would like to be her friend and I still want to propose to her. I got my question in and I won’t contact her unless she responds.
2. Response to Specific incidents
a. Biking across the Golden Gate Bridge
i. Stacey was clearly frightened when we saw each other on the bridge. She immediately grabbed her phone and biked quickly away from me.
i. I did stalk Stacey. Three months ago I saw her on the bridge while purchasing a sailboat in Sausalito, which I sailed to Santa Cruz. I watched her Strava account and saw that she posted a ride every day at 6 PM. This lead me to believe that she commutes over the bridge. I knew I would see her.
ii. I did not try to follow her home.
c. Stacey’s fear of me
i. Stacey’s fear of me is compounded by the general tone of some of my voice-mails, which might have conveyed aggravation over my emotional wounds that she couldn’t possibly resolve. My soul was hurt by numerous specific abuses I endured as a child, which Stacey cannot heal. This emotional and spiritual need of mine is resolved by the AA program, which I have rejoined. AA brings peace to my soul. I will definitely stay in the program for the rest of my life.
d. “She will be with me” and “he will be with me by any means”
i. For clarification, it is her choice.
e. Stacey’s home
i. I do not know where Stacey lives.
f. The voice of an angel
i. Stacey does have the voice of an angel, and a heart worth more than all of the gold that passed through the strait of ocean named the golden gate to the pacific.
3. Stacey’s profound and beneficial effect on my life
After meeting Stacey five years ago, these amazing things happened:
a. Positive changes and progress in life
i. I began attending AA
ii. I chose healthy habits for myself
iii. I began attending church to give thanks to God
iiii. I became grateful
v. I repaired my relationship with my mom
vi. I called my dad and forgave him
b. The Adult Children of Alcoholics Program
i. I attended ACA weekly and worked the 12 steps there. I told everyone I know about the benefits of this program focused on emotional dysfunction. Five years later, the program has exploded in Santa Cruz county. I was highly involved in an expressive drawing program there five years ago. Adult drawing for peaceful processing. I told everyone I knew about it.
c. My church
i. I told everyone at church about the benefits of 12 step programs and gave everyone an understanding and accepting attitude, like her. I promoted clean, organized life.
1. After five years, the church now has a completely redone and clean, organized campus.
2. We raised 1.2 million dollars to repaint, re decorate, and remodel.
3. Every closet in the church is properly organized and labelled, and the food closet is actually usable now.
4. The kitchen, which I believe is the heart of an institution, is more accessible, with sharp knives, space for work, and some stylish details.
d. The sexual assault revolution
i. Five years after Stacey was rightfully granted a restraining order against me, a revolution occurred in our country, which gave voice, validation, and healing to a lot of hurting people. Stacey made a strong stance against this mindset and I believe she was a major contributor to this revolution that has brought a peace, clarity, and understanding to a problem that was being denied.
e. My relationship with my Dad
i. With help from a church program, I called my dad and asked for reconciliation. I also asked him to tell me that he loves me, that he is proud of me, and what I am good at.
For the first time in my life, he told me these three things. He has since disappeared, but hearing this profoundly changed me for the better.
a. Because of these facts, I feel that Stacey is my best friend. Whether she marries me or not, she deserves to be loved by someone who can properly love her and support her.
i. She has done more for me than anyone. When I first started the 12 steps, she made a comment that she supported that.
ii. She should be honored for the effect she has had on one person, me, and know that whatever happens, I support her on her journey and her choices. I watched her lead all of our coworkers at Easton Bell Sports to a more balanced and healthy lifestyle with her accepting, caring, and helpful attitude.
iii. I direly miss seeing her every day and hearing her voice.
iiii. If God exists, then she is the best example of what he intended to create.