As soon as we left the dock

I knew we were in a little over our heads. I checked the radio and checked my whistle. I might need these, I thought. The first gust blew us straight to horizontal. Get the backstay on I yelled. A minute later I realized no one knew what I meant. They had all scrambled to get their weather proof gear on that I practically forced them to bring. As we swept away from the dock at 7 knots, the max speed of the boat, we started to see the extent of the fog ahead of us. We saw it looming over the entire coast on our drive up. It was like a dark reminder that we were heading out into God’s territory. I had been feeling some anxiety lately when I read passages in the Bible about the fear of God and realizing I was too full of my own strength. So this might be good for me, I thought. As we rounded the corner, a boat called in to the coastguard. Fire in the bay. Another gust hit us hard and everyone started yelling. I said, gentlemen, this is just how it is. It’s going to be like this for the next fourteen hours. So you better settle in and adjust to it, because we don’t have anywhere else to go.

I had studied the charts of the bay relentlessly. It was all brand new to me and while I pictured it pretty well in my head, the sheer sovereign magnificence of the golden gate and the height of the rock islands was certainly humbling. Just as we came up to one of the supports for the bridge, someone yelled hey! Behind us was a kiteboarder, who clearly recognized the boat and liked that we were blasting away, fully reefed, and barely standing. I luffed to keep our mast from tangling with him. We exchanged eye contact and then quickly continued on our controlled mayhem stringing through gusts and rocks and boats.

Many of the rocks had dark names, and they were fitting. A barge flew by and disappeared into the fog, confirming my feelings. Let’s get through this as fast as possible. After we transited the gate of gold to the Pacific Ocean, We hit a spot where the incoming swell mixed with a reflected swell and it felt weird, so we went a half mile off course to get away from the area of interference.

My hat flew off and quickly swamped under the sea. It was a good hat. Solid grey. Sporty, but sincere. It would be replaced in half moon bay. It reminded me of the time I last my canteen. It is a loss to lose a good thing. But they were just things. It’s good to let go of things and remember what’s important. The people. They are important.

After we turned south, the wind eased and we shook out the reef in our main. Everyone settled a little. Beer time! Someone yelled. I replied, absolutely not. Wait until we dock. We have five hours to go and we’ll be coming in at night. I need everyone’s full attention to find our guide buoys. Half moon bay was laid out pretty well. I assumed the army corps laid out the buoys. They made sense. They had a safe water buoy about two miles out, keeping boats out of the surf. I had never actually seen Mavericks but I had a strong respect for it and the people who surf their. Then they had four buoys that direct you between two shoals. Even though I didn’t expect breaking surf, I didn’t want to be near the shoals at night.

As we approached, each buoy slowly revealed itself one by one, exactly as we expected. I had both memorized and written out their light patterns. White, Morse code signal A, 8.0 second interval. Green, flashing, 2.0 second interval. Red, flashing, 6 second interval. They took us through the gap between the shoals and then a white light house was supposed to appear and guide us between the narrow breakwater that protected the anchorage. 15 minutes later and still no white light. We started to get confused as traffic lights blinked red,, yellow, and green, and red and white lights meandered all the roads. Finally we confirmed the red light for the harbor and motored closer. The white light was non existent. We could make out where it was supposed to be, but it wasn’t on. I had tried to hail the harbor on channel 9 to no avail. Their office was closed when I called them that morning.

The last green light had a charming little bell on it. Not unlike the bell atop the shrine by the point in Santa Cruz. It welcomed us as we past it, as if to say, not all who dare make it to here. I wondered if church bells on a wedding day had the same meaning. It reminded me of summer strolls by the lighthouse as a kid. Someone thought it through. Because my tensions instantly eased.

The harbor banks were covered in penguins. Not penguins. Those big birds. They always flock with the sea gulls. And crash dive for fish. They squawked at us like 10 bowling pins simultaneously collapsing. I don’t know what they’re complaints were but they did not seem to be happy. Perhaps it was the pile of feces they were all sitting on. Next we’re two more buoys, red and green. As we searched for the and squinted, suddenly a massive, pitch black fishing boat appeared in front of us, and we had to steer hard to get around it. It was anchored and seemingly abandoned. It had quite a personality to it. Then, as if taunting us, the green buoy suddenly appeared and the second breakwater showed itself. We turned in and began to feel safe, 3 miles after passing the safe water buoy.

One crew mate had been sick all day, and checked himself into the hotel. We had found a little nook snuggled against an end dock. We let the motor cool and shut it down. Our biggest and strongest crew passed out an hour ago. At first he was strewn between the two side berths. Now he had inched into the bow berth with all the sails. It wasn’t good for the sails, but he deserved a good nights sleep so we left him alone. He was leaving for Indonesia with the army in two months. I wondered if this was good preparation or bad preparation. He had brought these mre’s that everyone was so fascinated with. Apparently it’s a little meal in a bag that cooks itself. I wasn’t starving but it seemed smart to eat something. We cut open the pouch. Inside we’re a tone of snacks and indeed, a pouch of chicken stew that cooked itself. And two mints to top it off. As if breath quality would make a difference in the field. But, it did in a boat cabin.

You were supposed to use a rock for the meal to cook itself on. We found an army service boot. It did taste pretty well after five hours of bone chilling wind. The bay was just that much colder than Monterey, where I was used to surfing and swimming.

We had to rearrange everything to fit in our bunks. But as soon as my feet had found the bottom of my sleeping bag, my day was over. Tomorrow would be longer and my mind and my arms would need everything they could get. All day my main focus was posture, breathing, and not over exerting. When I could get other people steering, I made sure to take 20 minute naps. I would need to be at my best when things were the worst.

it wasn’t unlike the last five years if my life. Working hard when I needed to, and resting well whenever a break came.

Thankfully, for this trip, the worst was over. All we had to do tomorrow was point south and follow the coastline into increasingly familiar territory as we went. And that is how it went. And when we arrived, it was almost like we had never left. Monterey bay was the same, and we were men maybe slightly more wise.

How bizarre

This is so bizarre. Because in my heart I feel that I love Stacey and that she loves me. But that has never been validated by any person. In fact it has been constantly negated. But I’ve been broken down ever since I met her, realizing how lucky I would be to marry her, and she might have wanted that. And of course since then I’ve met all of these wonderful people who do talk me and might like me. But it all started because of her. So what on earth will I think if she doesn’t call? I will still feel the same way. And it will be ok. But very bizarre. But lately I have definitely been getting down to reality. I have been going around in this state of elusion. I don’t know if that’s a word but excitement and elation and a slight delusion of what is actually possible between me and people I am not married to. Most are heavily guarded and I totally let my guard down.

I have also started deeply considering what would actually work in a marriage in particular with my mindset, my expectations, and my desires. This boat may definitely have to go and that’s ok. I may suffer a monetary loss, but seriously, who with luck cares! I don’t know how else to put that. All that matters is her. Seriously. And making it right.

And safety has become more important. I will have more serious rules and boundaries about who goes sailing and in what conditions. We had two uncontrolled jibes that were near misses of concussions. I’ve had that on a similar size boat before so I am used to it and it has never resulted in serious injury, I have these lightning reflexes and am able to yell boom right before it slams across. But this time was too dangerous.i was trying to explain the spinnaker to Inexperienced crew in 30 knot winds. And drive. And that is crazy and ridiculous. So never again. Either the crew does it on their own or we don’t do it. When it’s over 10 knots. So I gave them mandatory reading so they can atleast try.

It was definitely worth it

To sail under the golden gate in fog. The name means something from a boat … it’s like this golden gate to the great big blue. And it is magnificent. Kite boarders came by and said hello. A big container ship steamed by at blazing speed. Then we headed south into the fog around this scary looking rock outcropping. It was definitely a morbid beginning to the journey. All we could think was, please let’s get to half moon bay before nightfall. But we got in at 10.

Possibly a mistake!

Well I now have an Olson 25. I don’t know if this was the right thing to do. It started as an idea to take others out sailing and possibly adapt it to take out my disabled sailors friends. But now it is here and I have no income and the boat needs some things. This was a little hasty. Possibly very hasty. I don’t feel good about it. Luckily I could sell it fairly easily. I don’t think this was the right timing.

The sail down was incredible. We went under the golden gate. That was incredible. Then down the coast to half moon bay. Coming in to pillar point at night was a little weird. The swells definitely start peaking as they come in to Mavericks. I had studied the charts relentlessly so I knew we wouldn’t come close to the surf, and there wasn’t any surf that day, but it was still nerve wracking. But then getting in was fun and cozy. The rest of the sail was windy and pretty fast. We surfed the whole way down. We had the spinnaker up most of the time until it got to be a little too much, and took it down. A strange cargo type of boat followed us down and we saw them at the harbor.

Now I really need to focus on work!

Extreme anxiety

I don’t know what’s right right now! I wanted to get a boat to bless other people with, but right now it feels like it’s too extravagant. And maybe not the right path. It seemed like definitely the right thing a week ago, for a number of reasons. But it might not be the right time. It’s a whole puzzle to me. If I have this house, a boat is definitely useful and affordable. It’s like a package. But will I be here long term? I don’t have to be. But now I’m a little more locked in to this area. And that’s ok with me. But what about others? I posted a sign today at my house asking people, what about their kids? Most people fit their kids into their lives. I want to fit my life into my kids! And a boat may or may not fit! What if it doesn’t?!

Either way, I am just grateful for people who are supportive of me and who want to know God better, and who don’t try to control everything and are open to talking about things and seeking to understand. I need to seek to understand. With mercy and grace. Love covers a multitude of sin. Hate breeds contempt.

It was just funny

Because if she does call me, I’ll remember the people that hinted that it was like an arranged marriage. Uh, no, actually, it was two sober people who made a choice, is that so uncommon nowadays? And a choice worth making and keeping. Especially considering what she looks like. Then there were the people that said, you know she isn’t what you think she is right? And I would look at them blankly and say yes she is. And they didn’t know what to say then! It’s like, haha, you can’t fight the truth! Sucker! It’s awesome!

Going for it

I don’t know if this makes sense or not, but my friend and I are getting an Olson 25. It the most epic boat out there and we’re going to share it with everyone. We re sailing from Sausalito Tk Santa Cruz Saturday evening departing around 4 pm. I am going to dive on the boat beforehand as one last lookover. We’re stopping in half moon bay for the night. I’ve been studying the charts and even stopped at pillar point harbor to take a look at it. I’ve got all the lighthouses figured out so we can avoid Mavericks. It’s supposed to blow up to 30 knots so well likely be surfing most of the way down. The boat needs new flares and extinguisher so we’re buying those and foregoing an epirb beacon. A friend suggested we rent one but we’re going without. Otherwise we’ve got a spare of everything and a well planned and documented trip ahead of us. Oh man.

Let it all hang out

Well I wanted to show off my mostly finished house and get so,e feedback on colors and details so who better to show than my mom! I made her dinner with lettuce fr9m my garden. She really enjoyed it. My kitchen worked perfectly. Everything works like I envisioned. It really worked out well. It’s amazing! It is. She like everyone commented on the laundry.. it’s in the middle of the house in the entry? Yes, it is. It’s just as important as the kitchen.

When you see your favorite website on a real computer

Wow. It’s like the first time you open an apple, and Discover that cool stuff inside. It’s hearty. Like when you eat oatmeal… for the first time… of the morning.

I like surfing my really old 6 foot 8 board, but what I really like, is barging out on my wavestorm. Haha! People give me the looks of hate. But then we surf together. And it’s good. I love that board. I think I look like a complete kook with my arms flailing around, but that’s how I do it. I’m sort of physically retarded I think.

But who cares! No one cares when you have it all!

The problem

Tumbikti will post this amazing email, and I’ll read it, since naturally I’m on their list, and it’s obvious it’s her. And it’s creative, and unique, and progressively artistic. And I’ll think, oh see it says that she loves me. This is a problem!