What is loss?

In some ways it’s never ending. Because once you lose someone, it’s permanent. They never come back to life. And it could have been someone you barely knew, or one of your closest friends. It exposes something about the human brain. For me it feels like losing a part of myself. But what does that mean? Take Sean Arlt. We had been really close friends. And when he was gone, I didn’t actually lose any of myself. But maybe my brain internalized him. Something like mirror neurons. A part of my brain actually grew around our relationship. Or suppose that once he was gone, I had to change. And let go of an old self. Either way. He is gone but something inside of me left too. But it’s all just on my head!!!

But I could mourn him and a few other people forever. That is strange to me. It seems like it should resolve at some point. Maybe I’m just still in the middle of it.

I don’t know what it was

It was like I could see how much she was cared for, or had been cared for, but she seemed slightly alone or abandoned. I didn’t realize the loss she had recently endured. But I recognized something. I had lost a lot myself. I still see it though. It literally sends shivers down my spine!! Seriously! God really, really, loves her. I was just doing my job.

It was like I saw her through the lenses of her father and her creator. And it said drop everything. So I did! And it was good. And then I saw everyone else on a similar lense. And few other people got it. It was like, we are alive, and we’re here, and that is enough! Not just enough! It’s the most amazing thing ever! Just his moment. Standing beside you. Whoever you might be. Its the most important thing ever. And people would scorn at me. You’re too quiet. Why aren’t you doing something. You’re weird. And I’m like, can’t we just enjoy being alive? A pulse? A breath? A scene? One, sufficient verbal acknowledgement?

I really really love her too. I really do. I was just sitting there at work. And then I heard her voice. And then it happened. It’s so crazy! I know!

My car didn’t turn into a pumpkin

Which is good. That would be a let down. Yesterday I frantically searched for somewhere to get rid of the stupid sleeping bag that I let a homeless woman stay in. I didn’t want anything to do with her for a while. I left it where I knew some good homeless people hung out. Today is cleaning day. It feels really good to clean everything at home and then go out in the town. It makes me feel settled and established while most people are out jumping around because they are uncomfortable because they didn’t clean their house. That’s how I see it anyway.

I was standing at the bottom of the stairs

And this was when I realized there was something special going on. Because there she came, like Cinderella except she was an actual princess. All I could do is stand there. I think I realized a lot was going to happen and that I had to let go. There was a bigger meaning.

Now here I am, waiting for the clock to strike midnight. I honestly have no idea what will happen. Maybe I was Cinderella. Maybe I’ll suddenly turn back to just poor little me. No more super powers. It’s just kind of funny. It’s like a real life fairy tale. Which is a good thing. But no one could have orchestrated it that way. It’s like evidence of the divine. Which is cool.

My head almost exploded

It’s like this whole logistical and planning and present part of my brain just woke up. It’s much more able to keep me coherent of my plan versus my feelings. It’s good. Everything is working out really well.

Lovely luscious life in the nic of time

It isn’t that I procrastinate. I’m just efficient. I don’t do things that need to be done until they need to be done. It’s called industrial engineering. Only do what is needed at the time. Just in time. I’ve been doing some things that should have been done a lonnnnnng time ago. Like letting go of crap. Mostly an old journal, a few pictures from high school that don’t have a place anymore, some wood, and the last six months of my planner. The last six months were a little unorganized and I have these thick, black, notes on certain days. It just doesn’t portray the message I’m going for.

Wow

I nailed it today. 30 miles. Loch Lomond. 15 mph. That was my goal. It was hard. And I feel fine. Not cramped.

But most importantly, I found this little swimming park I’ve been searching for ever since I went there with my mom when I was 5. There isn’t enough water in the river right now, but when there is, it s a really neat spot to go.

Lompico park. I guess they took out the dam that used to make it a swimming hole. It was literally the funnest place to go. Ever!

You got this

My friend said. It was the third time we had hung out Together, riding bikes as four year olds. It was the first time I jumped my bike. And the last for a long time. I woke up four hours later.

For some reason we had all these cones setup to swerve around before the jump. I skipped the cones and went straight down the line. I still have trouble jumping.

My forehead had doubled in size. Luckily, I had a good helmet.

Ohhhhh it hurts

Intense therapy session today. I took a break for a month and went back today. I had to take a nap after. That was supposed to be my biking time. Now it’s a juggle. I want to take my extra plywood to the restore. Surf. Bike. Fix my boat battery. The usual stuff. Put up some trim. Sand it. Paint it. Finish the electrical outlets. One more week. One more week. Atleast everything is decided. No more questions. Trim is decided. Paint colors decided. That’s it! Really! I did want to go for a hike too. And vacuum my car.

I also wanted to climb the mast and take off these extra lines.