Walking clean

I got another flat today. Actually it didn’t go flat. I just didn’t seat the bead correctly and the tube popped out of the tire. Like a bicycle hemorrhoid I suppose. I don’t ever want a hemorrhoid. I want healthy knees, a healthy anus, and a clear head. Forever. I think those are good goals. Anyway I was in capitola and walked home. It was amazing. The colors are so vibrant right now especially at sunset. And I can hold my head up. I’ve cleared out my mind. Really well, the meditation works. No miscellaneous thoughts! It’s great! I am still infatuated with Stacey. It’s going to be like that as long as I can see her Facebook profile picture or until there is a direct conversation. But my perspective of her has changed. She still doesn’t have any faults, but she is just a person. I’m still jealous of a few pictures I saw on her Facebook page when I could see it, but that’s it. So that’s the state of the situation.

Logistics

I had committed to getting Amber a Drivers license. Without identification she was pretty stuck. But getting herself to the dmv with money was quite a task. I had also committed to this being the last big push for her. She was mostly self sustaining, and a proper id would really help. She also wanted to get her check. Which was great because she could pay me back for her cell phone. So we got her check, went to the bank, got groceries, I went to my therapist, took her to the library, then went to the dmv, I went to the hardware store, the grocery store, and goodwill, got new shorts, then went back to cvs to return something. She had used all her money. I figured she had bought drugs and was lying. I checked everything over and she wasn’t lying. I am suspicious about the phone. Did she trade it for something? I don’t know but I’m tired of it. I gave her 40 to give her mom which I trust will be used well, dropped her off, said goodbye, and wished her well. She is somewhat seeing a great guy and together they are helping each other with essentials and things. And she has a drivers license and her car is gone. And I think those are all things she actually wanted. For now I can’t support an endless loop of losing things. I wanted to see what would happen and now I know. The important part is I was patient and caring. And she verbalized a lot of things and that is important to me. She is talking now and working towards supporting herself. The serial killer is gone. Amen.

I had planned for today to be a big day to get her somewhat squared away and God provided and in the last few months lined verything up for her and I did my part. Now I can do my own big push to finish my house. The big first race is over and I learned a lot. My bike is back together. And I have an awesome outfit now. I am just about ready for work. Therapy opened a big bubble and it’s just about closing. The only looming string, which isn’t a string, it’s either the most awesome thing in the world or just a passing infatuation, is to see if Stacey had any feelings for me. I actually was infatuated with her for years. It’s true. And that has changed. She’s just a person! A really pretty and neat person. But just a person. I judged Amber a lot because relative to Stacey she just didn’t compare. But they are both people. Stacey much calmer and collected. So, life is moving forwards! Summer will have a few good rides with some make friends and maybe a camping trip. And a new house. And that’s quite enough!

Even though she kept losing things, she is getting better about it. And I planned for that. I knew some things would be wasted but there would be progress and progress is what is most important. There’s always a little regression I suppose. But overall there has been huge progress. Huge! It’s good! Like the internet. It has progressed a ton. And spreadsheets too!

She gets her checks from the mental health facility. I can’t stand that place. Everyone looks needy and lazy to me. That’s just where I’m at right now. I’m mostly courteous but short and stern with everyone. I have a plan, I have a goal, and I have ability. And I’m sticking to it.

My counselor said there is no way Stacey is excited to talk to me. That is what everyone says. I’m willing to wait to see. Maybe she will. Maybe it will just be an acknowledgment of a situation. Maybe she’ll have empathy. I don’t know! No one else truly knows.

Buena vista

I always wonder what Spanish speakers think when they see a road sign to buena vista. Life must be much simpler for Spanish speakers. Everything has changed for me. My brain and head feel really good. Normal. Accepted. I saw amber today. I was walking hoke from wilder. I went to get my water bottle. I ended up sweeping part of the course picking up the trail signs. I rode hard. It was good. I can’t believe how fast I rode up Baldwin yesterday. I was riding up it today thinking, how was I going faster? I remember going faster but I don’t think that’s possible. I came back down, no water bottle, and got a flat. I took it easy. I didn’t bring a tube. So I walked 9 miles back home. I’m walking up a hill and there’s amber! I made sure she was being safe. She kills my heart. She’s completely dissociated. I guess her ex boyfriend do the typical male thing and hurt her feelings. I validated that for her and asked how that thing inside of her that represents her self view was. Her self esteem. She said it was fine. I said well it may have been damaged. But it’s not your fault. It’s just his own problem. It has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to carry the effect of his personal problems. I don’t think many women know that deep down. They carry everything for everyone.

On the way I took some cool photos of the ducks, geese, gulls, sparrows, and herons. It was fun. Something is happening to my brain. I guess I let go of a dream… and I’m still ok, and that solidified something inside me. It’s good. I feel more self sufficient I think. Stronger. I am so glad I did 5is race. It was huge for me. I was really nervous. What if a bunch of bell people were 5ere? How would the start go? But I just be’d myself. In the middle of a bunch of chaos and emotionally dependent people and excitement, I was me. And there were other people there who were themselves. And then we rode bikes. And I took off fast! And barely made the last climb. And my legs loved it. I feel loved. I gave it all up for God. And I feel loved and grace and pure and clean. And it’s the right thing to do. And I need to admit to my inspector that I lied about the heater. Thank you Stacey! My life has been ever evolving. And you changed everything. And I love it!

The truth

I had had visions of Stacey being at the old cabin classic with a sign that said yes. I really did. Then after I was taking a bath soaking my legs realizing, I am ridiculous. And I sort of had to sit down and define reality. You have to start with reality. I was a guy, sitting in my tub, after a good bike race, with a house, and a blog. And a good church and good friends. And that’s about it. No big exciting awesome surprise dream life. Which I could still hope for. But I have to start with what is real right now. Which isn’t exactly what I want, dream of, or hope for. But it is exciting and awesome as it is. But something… is missing.

I am trying to figure out, who are these people? When and where are they training? Usually when I go out riding I’m as fast as anyone else… I’ve never seen someone riding up the mountain at 15 miles per hour. Is there even enough mountain for them?

Nivel superior

I raced the race. I can’t believe how fast some of the people were. Guys in the sport class, even 50 year olds, charged past me on the last hill. All I could think was, how do get that strong? And their legs weren’t bigger than mine. I started fast. I passed 75% of my category. And then me and five guys dukes it out for the rest of the race. It was amazing. I rode the first half way harder than I planned. The last half was really hard but I still hung with my group. Barely. They pushed me to ANOTHER LIMIT. I’ve never ridden that hard. Wow it was good. Then I dropped my chain twice on the last downhill section and got passed :(. On the first level part I got my water bottle out and accidentally threw it off the trail. I’ll try to get it tomorrow. It was weird, the mountain bikers I was with would pass me on the uphill and then I would pass them on the downhill. They were all cheering for me! Go cross bike! Then I cheered for people when they passed me. On the second to last long downhill I was coaxing them on. Go mountain bikers! Or I’m going to pass you! Then they all took off on the uphill. Wow it was amazing. I flew down the fast sections and around some turns. Everyone was stoked to see a cross bike sliding around turns. I even threw in a small whip on one jump. It was awesome. Racing is the way to go. Definitely.

It’s hard to pick my favorite part. The uphills were good. But I liked the downhills more. I think the last downhill was my favorite. You can just get going and all you can do is hold on and try to slow for the turns and then get the tires to press in and keep trying. On the technical downhills I played it safe and slowed a little. I was tired. It was good.

The experts were out of this world. They took off like it was a one mile sprint. I wonder if I’ll ever be like that. I don’t know. Maybe. How do you get like that?

The ride

I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. I have been riding bikes my entire life. But I want to do well. I originally thought, I should probably be in the expert class. I’ll start with the sport class and ride my cyclocross, that will make me slower. Then I rode the course. And I wasn’t sure if I could even finish. I just don’t want to leave the starting line and either have everyone pull ahead of me or crash into someone. I think the start will be key for me. A clean fast start. I’m going to be tempted to go too hard at the start. Will it matter? I don’t know. I’ve raced once before! Ah this is a horrible first race in 13 years. I just want to have fun. But that start…. if I go for it then that will set my pace for the whole race. And I’m pretty sure I’ll be going for it! It will be fun. It will be fun. It’s exciting. I get the whole race thing. It’s adult. You have to plan. Prepare. Train. Control. Balance. Work with others. It’s good!!!

It’s like that

It’s like, am I still on the internet? Or have I somehow stumbled out of the internet? But wait I’m still in safari. I can still see safari. But look at that! I want to click on that! But what’s goin to happen? I don’t know I’ve never been here before. What is going on?

The new internet

I saw a website the other day. And it was likeI had never seen a. Website before! I remember my first pressings on a local irc and a Linux server. Then aol. Compuserve. And local… I can’t remember what it was called. It was an internet on cruzio but it only spanned Santa a Cruz. You could posts in listservs I think but they were only local. Anyway.

This website redefined the website. At first I was like, what is this? Did they mean to do it like this? They had to. It’s the essence of summer. What genius thought this up? How would you even think this up? It’s like this subtle redefining of normal. And it just fits right in like, isn’t this how the internet has always been? Or shouldn’t it have? It’s good. It’s a good website. Like, oh, yeah, this is how we do the internet. The way it should be.

It’s a totally streamlined corporate website. But it’s also summer, the season. You ask yourself, how did I get into summer the season? This is strange! Have I always been here? What’s going on?

It kind of just loads on your browser, and then it takes over your browser like a virus. It’s way more infectious than cookies. Not chocolate chip. The little things that go in your web browser.

I still can’t quite pin it down. It’s kind of subversive. What is it? I don’t know. But I can’t stop thinking about it.

The bottom

I can’t stop stuffing my face with flour sugars and oil. I literally found out six ,on this ago you can just mix the three together and cook it into an awesome gooey thing. Oh it’s so bad. And three dollars worth from the dollar store goes a long way. It’s really bad.

Summer fresh

Discover me in your front yard. Well summer is here. And the air is blossoming sweet fragrances of bird lullabies. And I wish I still had my old job, and my boat, and everything was back to normal. No that isn’t true. I do need to go sailing. I need to. It’s real. I think I need to dig through my house and get rid of something. That always makes me happy.