The real stuff

This essentially sums up my life. I remembered it while I was sitting on top of the point, trying to get myself to jump in, thinking it would make me feel better, and realized, I don’t need to do this. A homeless man who was a little schizophrenic, actually, a lot schizophrenic, but less so compared to some, sat next to me and asked if I believe in God. I said yes. He said he had just served 15 years in prison and was released after evidence showed he was not guilty of murder, and that his son had just died in Afghanistan in the marines, and that he had in fact murdered the man who hit his mom when he was 8. I asked if he was mourning his son. He said yes. So I reminded him, blessed are those who mourn! I think Jesus can be taken many ways. I think this sums up his point the best. It also perfectly and succinctly sums up exactly what I need to do and where I have missed the mark.

Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them.

5 The Beatitudes

He said:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Salt and Light

13 “You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

14 “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

The Fulfillment of the Law

17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. 18 For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. 19 Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.

Murder

21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,[a]and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister[b][c] will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’[d] is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.

Adultery

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[e] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Divorce

31 “It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’[f] 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Oaths

33 “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ 34 But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.[g]

Eye for Eye

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[h] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

Love for Enemies

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Dear Stacey,

This is my amends to you. I will stay in AA forever because I need the program to work my life.

I did stalk you. I knew you would be in the bridge. I didn’t know when. My plan got all messed up and I was delayed by an hour. I planned to just ride it once for myself, and if I saw you, then great. Of course, we met. You were clearly afraid.

I did harass you by leaving a voicemail a day. I was also aggravated on one voicemail. I was obsessive and neurotic.

More importantly, and I think you sensed this, is I was objectifying you and trusting you like a subordinate.

The program helps me resolve these behaviors and gives me happiness and peace.

You bring a strong happiness, peace, and clarity to me.

You refused to read my response, but I think it might clear a few things up. I was not feeling happy enough to read it aloud. Here it is:

Response to Stacey’s Statements

Kyle Davenport

Contents

1. General Response to Orders 1

2. Response to Specific incidents 1

3. Stacey’s profound and beneficial effect on my life 2

4. Conclusion 4

1. General Response to Orders

a. I did stalk and scare Stacey. I was trying to propose to her and I did scare her with an aggravated approach, attitude, and language. Especially considering my past belligerent behavior. I am wondering if she would dismiss this order for another agreement. I would like to be her friend and I still want to propose to her. I got my question in and I won’t contact her unless she responds.

2. Response to Specific incidents

a. Biking across the Golden Gate Bridge

i. Stacey was clearly frightened when we saw each other on the bridge. She immediately grabbed her phone and biked quickly away from me.

b. Stalking

i. I did stalk Stacey. Three months ago I saw her on the bridge while purchasing a sailboat in Sausalito, which I sailed to Santa Cruz. I watched her Strava account and saw that she posted a ride every day at 6 PM. This lead me to believe that she commutes over the bridge. I knew I would see her.

ii. I did not try to follow her home.

c. Stacey’s fear of me

i. Stacey’s fear of me is compounded by the general tone of some of my voice-mails, which might have conveyed aggravation over my emotional wounds that she couldn’t possibly resolve. My soul was hurt by numerous specific abuses I endured as a child, which Stacey cannot heal. This emotional and spiritual need of mine is resolved by the AA program, which I have rejoined. AA brings peace to my soul. I will definitely stay in the program for the rest of my life.

d. “She will be with me” and “he will be with me by any means”

i. For clarification, it is her choice.

e. Stacey’s home

i. I do not know where Stacey lives.

f. The voice of an angel

i. Stacey does have the voice of an angel, and a heart worth more than all of the gold that passed through the strait of ocean named the golden gate to the pacific.

3. Stacey’s profound and beneficial effect on my life

After meeting Stacey five years ago, these amazing things happened:

a. Positive changes and progress in life

i. I began attending AA

ii. I chose healthy habits for myself

iii. I began attending church to give thanks to God

iiii. I became grateful

v. I repaired my relationship with my mom

vi. I called my dad and forgave him

b. The Adult Children of Alcoholics Program

i. I attended ACA weekly and worked the 12 steps there. I told everyone I know about the benefits of this program focused on emotional dysfunction. Five years later, the program has exploded in Santa Cruz county. I was highly involved in an expressive drawing program there five years ago. Adult drawing for peaceful processing. I told everyone I knew about it.

c. My church

i. I told everyone at church about the benefits of 12 step programs and gave everyone an understanding and accepting attitude, like her. I promoted clean, organized life.

1. After five years, the church now has a completely redone and clean, organized campus.

2. We raised 1.2 million dollars to repaint, re decorate, and remodel.

3. Every closet in the church is properly organized and labelled, and the food closet is actually usable now.

4. The kitchen, which I believe is the heart of an institution, is more accessible, with sharp knives, space for work, and some stylish details.

d. The sexual assault revolution

i. Five years after Stacey was rightfully granted a restraining order against me, a revolution occurred in our country, which gave voice, validation, and healing to a lot of hurting people. Stacey made a strong stance against this mindset and I believe she was a major contributor to this revolution that has brought a peace, clarity, and understanding to a problem that was being denied.

e. My relationship with my Dad

i. With help from a church program, I called my dad and asked for reconciliation. I also asked him to tell me that he loves me, that he is proud of me, and what I am good at.

For the first time in my life, he told me these three things. He has since disappeared, but hearing this profoundly changed me for the better.

4. Conclusion

a. Because of these facts, I feel that Stacey is my best friend. Whether she marries me or not, she deserves to be loved by someone who can properly love her and support her.

i. She has done more for me than anyone. When I first started the 12 steps, she made a comment that she supported that.

ii. She should be honored for the effect she has had on one person, me, and know that whatever happens, I support her on her journey and her choices. I watched her lead all of our coworkers at Easton Bell Sports to a more balanced and healthy lifestyle with her accepting, caring, and helpful attitude.

iii. I direly miss seeing her every day and hearing her voice.

iiii. If God exists, then she is the best example of what he intended to create.