Seriously

How did they not erupt in laughter?!

We have determined, it all came from a Big Bang. One explosive moment.

Shouldn’t we trying to get back to that then?

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about the stars. It’s vast out there.

It’s all in Aladdin

These cartoons. They are good. And useful. They are also creating an interesting sociological effect.

Firstly, I am watching them slowly. Pausing whenever a feeling comes up and feeling through the extent of the feeling and associated situations from childhood. I am more able to stay present, and identify more with the eyes and faces of the characters, as people or characters, rather than the mechanics of the scenes.

Aladdin. It’s full of bullies and injustice. But that is not the world.

I wanted to be achbar, and win, and get the princess, with domination and force. He was self absorbed.

I also wanted a magical, instantaneous solution without doing the work.

Then theres the animals. The parrot and the monkey. The clowns. They act to divert attention, and get attention.

Then Aladdin. He fights injustice and is empathetic and selfless. You know he’s right. But look at how hard he has to work. His posture and body, along with Jasmines, aren’t necessarily real or authentic. But people strive and strive for it.

Basically, it’s all unreal. The characters represent many different parts people have inside. It helps. But it doesn’t give any solution.

Aladdin and jasmine were trapped in their life and wanted freedom.

Aladdins entire identity is proving that he is not worthless and doesn’t have fleas. my dad always told me I was worthless and a fleabag.

It’s OK. His dad was very hard on him.

I suppose they are helpful if you can separate from the characters. I looked to them for an identity. Rather, they should be seen as representations of the identities inside of me that I want to integrate. That is how it is useful. Maybe that is how most children see cartoons.

The best part is getting back to all the times I was safe and had joy and bringing all of that back!

Dads alcohol breath could come at any moment and ruin everything. That is over. He was suffering.

I got outside of the reaction.

The lake is clear

But you still have to deal with your own head. It’s smaller than a basketball.

Progress. Going deeper is weird. At first you can feel it. Then as you keep going it doesn’t feel much deeper at all. I am watching the wonder years. Tomorrow, Aladdin. Mirror work. Journaling. It’s happening. I am getting my strength back. I am in shock. But it’s OK. Sleep. Eat. Exercise. Write. Read. Talk. Honesty. Repeat. Present.

Watching out for the narcissist. He comes up and stifles things.

Close the door. The biggest one is looking outside for approval. This comes in so many forms. Pleasing. Saving. It’s an empty door. I have to consistently retrain this. No behavior whatsoever that looks for outside approval. It’s too late for that.

Get the positive energy from God. No where else. It’s tricky.

An American tail

Last night I tried to watch an American tail. I started acting weird. I had to stop and meditate. I meditated for two hours. I have to do this to break through in to the feelings. Remind myself over and over it’s safe. Then I did downward dog pose. As I was looking at my legs I showed me, as a child, that it’s the same body. I’m big now. It’s OK. I survived. It’s over. Look. I’m here now. I am taking care of myself.

I meditated for hours this morning. I got back into feeling. Now I am watching American tail and journaling. Three pages worth so far. I have to stop. Label the feeling. Write it out. Write out the situation it reminds me of. Over and over.

Fifel has an interesting story. Almost seemed hopeless. And a lost identity. My family trained me to not trust safe people. That the outside was a dangerous, dangerous place. Experience shows that the outside is safe.

It’s important to me that my front door is clean, clear, and fresh. My gateway to the outside. It can’t have any extraneous, broken, scary things.

This one movie is pages and pages and pages. I am going to watch it over and over until it doesn’t trigger anything. It’s rich!!! And full. For me.

I am realizing I can either be forever in a dream of hope, a victim of experience, or I can take action to navigate through a world that is actually constant. And experience it along the way.

I can take a golf lesson. A voice lesson. Maybe a sales lesson! Get professional photographs. I can label and write out every feeling. Write to my inner child. Tell him I’m the mirror. Watch the movie and handle it, maturely.

Thank you.

This left handed writing is huge!!! I can actually write “its OK to have feelings”, and mean it, and believe it, from deep inside. It’s OK to be me. I can trust the outside world. I am growing. I am proud of my growth.

This is huge.

Transition out of controlling others

Into success. Supreme control of emotion. Turn inward, reflect, parent, and let it go.

For me it’s a hurt five year old. Looking for tigers to save him. Looking to other hurt five year olds. But I can take care of him.

It’s also hurt pride. Pride I know your hurt. Be hurt. I can take care of you. Let the other person win and be with me.

Within 10 minutes I’ve moved on and life is even better. Thank you.

That’s this week. Be hurt without responding. Or reacting. Take care of it truly. Finish it.

Move out of experiencing to planning defining and acting. Not a victim of experience but an entity choosing a path through space.

Excitement. That one. That gets me into trouble. Excitement. Excitement. Excitement is inside of me. Excitement is a friend. Excitement is warm. Excitement plans ahead and thinks forwards. Excitement is patient. Excitement is in control. Excitement does one thing at a time. Excitement respects others. Excitement obeys the law. Excitement is equal to others. Excitement is humble. Excitement is fun. Excitement stays in control. Excitement enjoys the feeling.

THE CLOWN. I was highly adaptive. I don’t want to be. The clown came out of denial and loss. And shame. I felt I would die if I felt the shame. That is how it still feels.

I don’t know how to go deeper.

I’m working hard!

It’ll work out.

Oh my God. It’s heavy.

The week. The day. Reframe everything. My most basic concepts. It is weird how fast it happens. And how slowly time is going. Which is good. This is life. When you experience it, it’s much more full. Hopeful and curious about tomorrow. Sleep is a whole new thing right now.

Whole Foods. Exercise. Sleep. Journal. Mantra meditate. Write. Talk. Inner child. Contain feelings. Connect with and accept feelings. Journal with inner child.

Saw the sea lions today. Great stuff. So good. So good. Sat on the end of the wharf. So good. Saw the train go by. Watching American Tail. Will watch wonder years.

I think we’re dating!

By email and smile.

It’s going to be a long road. Day by day. Slowly.

I need one month.

The best part of having kids? All you do is child activities. = super inner child work. That’s comforting. There will be plenty of time for it. It must be done now as well.

Eggs

Oatmeal

Bell pepper

Brussels sprouts

Zucchini

Asparagus

Ride to Davenport

Groomed the park

ACA meeting

Made an awesome drawing for you

Riding up, had conscious contact with God. it’s a big white light. Felt like I might be dead. Feel like I am killing my mom. I can’t give in.

Building control and sanity. It’s good. Focus is pleasant, not tense. Feeling better. Containing feelings. Containing people. Containing identities.

Anyone who bothers me represents something inside of me. I am working at containing it all. Visualizing that. Visualize my brain. It’s all actually just inside that little thing.

It’s a dance. I didn’t realize the golf swing is a dance.

Life is better when you lotion your bumhole. I sort of accidentally did this today. But after a ride, things were way better in many ways.