The big scary monster

I’m slowly figuring out the big scary monster is sensitive subjects and guilt. When she does something inappropriate she runs away and says the monster is following her. She relates it to changes in the wind and the sun. I’m pretty mad because she is verbally abusive. She starts saying I am the monster. Which is scary to me because I don’t want to be accused of something I haven’t done. This is a common theme in my life. How do you love and be nice to people without them starting to take out all their personal problems on you? Or do you go it alone and walls up until someone respects you and then be their friend? Or give in and be forced to be overly explanatory about everything so no one can assume anything? Or let it go and just keep living? Or go out front and put everyone down. But then what if I need help at some point? There’s something fundamental that I don’t understand.

She also is trying to trap me. She looks at me innocently with big eyes. It’s good to be agreeable but she is clearly trying to use me. It is a ic fact that animals with larger heads, puffy cheeks, and big eyes, also known as children, inherently get attention from the older animals, parents, due to a biological programming to care for people with those features. So I feel like I have to care about her nonsensical ramblings about the people who are trying to get her because of the shape of her eyes. And while I do care, I can’t care about things that aren’t grounded in reality.

So I listen and respond, a good technique for schizophrenics, validation of the fantasy, just to keep the relationship good in the hopes that she will one day, even ten years later, fully recover. But I have to be acceptionally clear, direct, and diplomatic. And set boundaries and leave the rest to her. If I have to leave I leave regardless of her fears. It’s up to her to stay if she wants otherwise she can leave if she can’t handle my directness. I think a lot of it is a game to get attention. But I don’t give in. But I do worry, if she does leave, where she’ll end up again. But after spending another few days, I have let that go. It is her life and I accept that now.

This is insane

Literally. She is demonized. Her paranoia is extreme. She switches personalities. One moment she’s a little girl the next she’s a raging alcoholic. Then she’s normal for one second. Her car is still at the lot. She lost the key. She can ge a key if she gets the registration. I gave her 20 and dropped her off at the dmv. She came back saying she lost the 20 and lost her jacket. We drove to an office where she looked for her jacket. She came running back out. Then found the 20 in her other purse in the car. So still at square zero. I explained that there seems to be a larger problem then the car and that getting the car won’t resolve her housin*or work issues. She is focused in the car. I understand that. I think this is hopeless. But she is getting a tiny bit better. I can’t imagine leaving her to live outside. But the situation is way beyond my boundaries. She won’t admit that she has a problem. That is unacceptable to me.

House rules

So I am discussing house rules with Amber. I am willing to house her with conditions if it will keep her from the situations I’ve seen her in. Sprained bones. Throwing up from food poisoning. Schizophrenic from a lack of food and sleep. So I’m figuring out if I can help her be safe and if she is willing to comply with my boundaries.

Otherwise I am doing well. I definitely hit bottom. It hurt a lot!!!! Ohhhhhhh.

She’s back!

I went on an epic ride today. Then got to that point in the house project when, and this happens with every project, you go against your decision and start thinking about a second floor and a basement. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. It would be so easy. But plans and a permit are Atleast six months out I would think. But I have the floor out and the drywall! I just didn’t realize before that since the second story could only be one room, a 15×10, that I could just rebuild the framing and foundation under just that part and not have to knock down the entire house. Then I could still live here and bang all that out in a month. But I didn’t plan that so I’m sticking to the plan. I did call a structural engineer to start planning that improvement in the future. This house would be epic and really show the neighbors what’s up!

Amber wandered back! She thinks she’s running from something. She’s sleeping under things and hiding. I fed her. It’s like having my cat max back. She just sleeps, eats, barfs, hogs the couch, and whines about needing more food. I loved max. I really did. I really broke down when she died. Like my grandpa. I don’t even remember my grandma dying. Weird. Well I figure she trusts me, and it’s either this or selling herself for heroin. So I’m going to do my best to keep her here. Who knows, maybe she turn around!!! In the mean time I read her a book and am installing new gas lines tomorrow so they run under the house and not through the neighbors yard, and are big enough to supply the instant hot water heater. Then the new subfloor goes in then the hardwood floor goes back in. Then wait for inspections on the electrical and put the drywall on. Then new doors. And I think with the added insulation, doors, and sealing everything, the heater might actually keep up on these almost freezing nights alone.

That way I’ll be better rested for more Emma McCrary smashes! I did 8:09 today on emt speedway. I’m slow in the turns areas because I’m not that good at turns. And I could push harder in the pedal areas. I have to lose 30 seconds in the turns to top 10 that route and 30 seconds overall to top 10 the whole route. I have no idea how to do that. I think some rain would help. Oh man. I could do it.

I found her

And she’s doing well. I tried to explain that I can take her to pick up her medication and her car, and she can stay at my house. But she is apprehensive. Maybe she has to do it on her own. I don’t know. I’m just thinking oh man just come sleep and shower and take the medication. In a week you’ll be a completely revived little person!!! Hello!!!!

A real person

I forgot that this person is a real person! But she was acting so differently that it was easy to write about her as if she wasn’t real. So I took away posts with details about her because she deserves dignity!

I have been finding dignity for myself a lot lately. There were people at my last two jobs who did not treat me with dignity. That is essentially why I left them. I probably wasn’t dignifying them either. Now I am bringing dignity to my house and my church. Blinds. A new kitchen. A solid sub floor. A continuous cement perimeter foundation. A level driveway. Borders on my patio. New flooring. It is good for me right now. Therapy has been hard. I have been doing a lot of trauma releasing. We do this hand movement eye coordination thing. It’s good. I wish everyone, like the lady, had access to it. A week ago everything was great. I was going on an epic night ride. Then I ran into a poor little person in trouble.

Oatmeal. Tea. Journal.


You can’t comeback

Turns out I am a complete self righteous asshole. She definitely wouldn’t have put any5ing in my drink. She was just a sweet person suffering from paranoid delusions. And to drive me crazy. Between that and being really touchy and constantly talking about us and we I finally blew up at her. I just got really direct and realistic, and people who are healing hate that. I figured if she can’t handle it then we shouldn’t be sharing housing. And I told her she can’t do,e back because I don’t know what she’ll be doing if she leaves.

I take it back now. I saw the real her. The normal her, under all of it. The dirt. The drugs. The delusions. She would have gotten back o normal if I would have just been more patient. But I couldn’t. Not today. I wanted to blame her for her situation. But that’s not right. I wish she would come back. I would take care of her until she is better.

Three days

Well the person is doing s lot better. I think a lack of food, combined with drugs, combined with a lock of attention, led to a lot of bad. She started saying it’s happening today, that they were coming to get her, and she is going to get mean, that’s how she broke her finger. I showed her my garden and asked if she would be willing to plant something in it. Then she helped me clean up after I took out my drywall. And she even cooks for herself! It’s a pretty good deal. And she threw away all her stuff! Talk about the perfect housemate! She just demands that music is on and if I take her pen she asks for it all day. I think it’s going well. My project is basically on schedule. I’m really organized so things go really smooth in a logical fashion. The drywall came all out in perfect sizes chunks and it all fits in my car. I can’t wait to have new flooring. Going to replace all the flooring in the house. It’s going to be a nice beach cottage. Then I’ll probably want to sell it! Oh no.

We had to discuss boundaries today. She was being way too touchy. It will be interesting if she makes it out of this. She’s acting like a four year old. I think a week will actually turn it around! That would be amazing!

Two days

Wow. Two days made a huge difference. Eggs, vegetables, tea, and sleep. Eggs are good because they have a lot of growth in them, lol! When she rode up to me I knew there was a normal person in there. And she has stopped babbling. And I think I saw a spark in her eye. I bought her some clothes. She’s actually a really cool person! Today I was almost done. She kept talking about al this crazy stuff. But I think she’s going to be ok!

I gave her lotion for her feet. And a salt bath. And she has a fractured finger. I made her stay inside, well suggested, after telling her she is a free person, because she needs time to heal and people won’t understand her. Then she watched a movie. It’s actually making my house feel normal to have a housemate watching a movie. I gave her my socks. This all started because she nudged her front tire at me and I was like, wait, you don’t fit in out here! You’re in serious trouble!

SHe was flirting a lot too and told me she wants a boyfriend. I think some drug regressed her to childhood for a bit. She was talking like a kid. I told her it isn’t time for a boyfriend yet. She needs to rest and relax for atleast a week.


I have been needing to have someone else at my house. I don’t feel safe right now. I put up a little barricade in front of my house, which is kind of funny.