Sit down son

Ok. Where do I start. First there’s timbuk2’s media. I don’t know who’s behind it but they’re doing what I want. Integrated media. It’s futuristic. It’s insanely good. And their current theme of neon lights is just perfect for it. Wow. Talk about cool. And integrating old themes and campaigns. It’s like a river of love. Or perhaps like grandmas taoestry or whatever those blankets are. That you keep adding to that flows off her lap down the couch and spills onto the floor. That’s what it’s like. And you jut want to cuddle up in the warm fuzzy blanket and sleep next to her feet.

Then there’s God. Something happened tonight. My sister has grown. I have grown. I think my mom has grown. Hah. She’s always been a little behind. But she has grown. I promised not to judge her. She still tries to control us, and I don’t like that. But it was good tonight. And I asked for this. And it was like God said, hello, who do you think I am? Sit down.

0 for 2!

Who’s your favorite stalker?

Yesterday. Bike. Breakfast. Coffee. Drive to work. I even coached myself. Just drive to work. No need to smile or please anyone or even make eye contact. Just get to work without any issues. Wait, is that stacey?! Whoa! Circle around! She looks different. But she sure is pretty. I just want a better look. Shoot she’s gone. Ok I’ll just wait here down the street and see if she comes by. There she is!!! Chase! Chase! Chase! Literally, no thoughts occurred. Just this wild maniac impulse. I just wanted a better look. That’s all. Eventually, it didn’t seem to be her, so I turned away. But then I realized, she was doing a little dance as she was walking. She would totally do that. At one point, it seemed even another car was chasing her around also.

Women must be used to it. Or they don’t know any better. Surrounded by commotion.

The best I could do is tell a few people. And say, yeah, that was bad. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t think it was even her.

Tonight, someone tail hated me to my turn off, then accelerated loudly past me after I turned. It is so obnoxious I get angry. But it’s only becasue I’m not expecting it. I have to learn to expect that here in Santa Cruz. The weirdos. Do women learn to expect commotion and stalking? What creates that? The squirrels do it too. Is this courting? Will she ever say yes?

Clearing the air

I’ve done some good work. Clearing things up with others. Taking responsibility for my part. Now the full reality is becoming more clear. I have poor boundaries. I play games. I am flirtatious. And I intrigue. To me, it’s about encouraging others. But I include flirting and intriguing. Partly because I want exclusive attention from people. So I’m trying to figure out how to stop this. I also like to get close to women while mountain biking. Many don’t appreciate it. It’s a little way of saying hello. I want to stop that. Also in the office. Walking by a female. I’d rather just walk by and not try to get near them or anyone. Looks. My eyes wander. Simply because I don’t want to make eye contact. I need to keep my eyes on the ground or at the eyes. Otherwise people take it weird. And it is weird to look at someone’s stomach. I just don’t want to start an entire conversation about someone’s entire life every time I walk by anywhere. Project myself. Protect my heart. Save it for someone good. That is my goal. Drive to work. Do work. Drive home. Nothing more is necessary.

I’m just going to let go of trying to do anything for others. Just do my part and that’s it. Stop trying to be Jesus. Jeshua. Stop trying to save any one. Let them figure out what they need to figure out. Just like I want.

In a way, it’s like I’m trying to dance with everyone, so they’ll let go, and stop constantly competing, and everyone doesn’t necessarily want to dance and I’m a little weird about it. So I’m just going to dance with myself.

What is it about you?

Do you like your body? Is it aesthetically pleasing to you? Do you think you are attractive? Does it matter? What is your favorite thing about your body? Your personality? Your talents? Your hobbies? Your creations?

Will somebody please tell me why is going on

I’m doing fine tonight. Today was good. I called some people and cleared some things up. I felt better. I’m really sensitive to details.

Tonight was great. Cooked a ton of good food. In my cast iron pan. Cleaned everything. Had fun. Biked. Cleared a jump I couldn’t clear before. Very intense cycling is necessary for my ability to face life. That’s just the truth.

I did hit a hard tinge when a woman opened her door, and after introducing myself and prying and prying and prying, she told me her husband is in the service. I could see now what the look in her eye is. She’s sad. Very sad. She doesn’t know what could happen any day. And she just keeps putting on a smile and working her life. These things kill me. Maybe it’s seeing Stacey in her. I walked down to the next house and just started crying. The same as when I saw Stacey on the bridge. I went and hid under a tree. Maybe it’s seeing how much they hurt, but they stay strong. I suppose I do the same thing. I’ve kearned to cry as hard as possible because then I can keep going stronger. But wow, it hit me hard.

So that was all good. Normal. I processed things correctly. And felt fine at the end of the day. Preparing for sleep and the next day.

But then what happens? Somehow this great hurt takes me over every now and then and I can’t move or breathe. What is it? Where is it coming from? Can I stay away from it? Should I?

It seems it’s layers of letting go. I have used a lot of things to cope and to lie to myself. House. Boat. Sports. Skills. And I’m letting them go to be able to just be personable. To be personable.

Anger point

Ugh I raced surf city cyclocross yesterday. It was an a amazing course. I can’t believe how well they put them together. It was weird for me. I had the strength and skills but not the lungs. I was pufffing the whole time. I have felt like I can’t breathe for the last year. So I haven’t been training very hard. I felt I could have given another 5%. I passed about 12 people. They were all complaining about me passing them! What?! You’re supposed to cheer on other riders! My chain came off and a heckler was talking to me weirdly. All in all it was incredible. But then I heckled the next races. I was mad at the riders and hecklers from my race so I made fun of everyone in this sort of psychological or philosophical way. It was funny to me but it didn’t seem like anyone else appreciated it. “Listen to your heart” “Don’t feel your feelings” “Your body is lying to you” hah. I was so mad! Why wouldn’t my racers just get along with me. The guy who beat me at the finish seemed all too happy, the guy who I beat seemed all too sore about it. We were all pumped up on adrenaline. I have a constant need to be comforted by everyone! That doesn’t seem to happen during a race. But the thing is I am more experienced than them. I find myself constantly not completely making this transition into someone who can understand the self centered because I am still self centered. But I’ve started the transition so I am in this transition state that is confusing.

I think I was also mad because I can’t seem to work anything out with Stacey. It seemed like everyone at the race had everything figured out and together. And I wanted that. But I have to remmeber I come from a very hard place and I chose a very deep path. So I suppose I could just celebrate with people as people. Maybe seeing couples reminded me of being a kid and my dad wanting to steal all my moms attention. It turned in to a competition of attention rather than just a loving family and situation.

This is a little scary. I can’t sleep. And I can’t breathe. I’m using three cups of coffee to counter it. That may be making me act weird and not helping the sleep. I don’t feel supported by anyone even if they do support me. This is crazy! I feel diminished like I didn’t stand up for myself or anything I value, and now it’s got me cornered. I chose to be quiet and endure. That has created a lot of suspicion about me. Someone has to do it. To sort of create the hole for the communities pain and everything to go into. Otherwise everyone will just keep trying to run away from the their feelings. But I have to figure out how to be truly supportive and sincerely supportive. And to be trusted. I trust. But the common factor in this society is to not trust. And the media loves to spread that notion because it drive consumerism. Maybe there are people I should just stay away from. Listen to my heart. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I still have a lot of pain. How does it end? And why was I doing so well a year or two ago? It seems I chose to go deeper. How deep does this stuff go and how on earth was it hidden before? It’s baffling. But writing about it is helpful especially thinking that someone is reading this.

I think yesterday I had some confidence to stand up for what I believe. To express myself even if people might not like it. I surfed yesterday and put someone in their place. He listened. He was always in the wrong spot at the wrong time. It’s good to express reality.

It was never about possession

Get it? Possessions go in bags.

Her and her friends seemed to think it was all about possession. That is our main difference. And that is why I don’t respect her fully. I don’t want to be possessed and I don’t want to possess anyone. To me that is dangerous and scary. So can we work that out? Just live torrent and talk about life. No rules. No possessions.

Everything has changed

Again! After leaving Stacey a voicemail and talking to my mom this week, I feel like a completely different person. Much more integrated. And actually more consistent. This is the miracle. The program. I need more of this. Those 12steps. They’re so interesting. They figured out that if you pray to change and then go make amends with someone, it almost forces you to change and to find peace. But the real magic is the fourth step. How do you find your faults? Look at who you resent. And then figure out your fault in it. It’s always there. And it always resolves if you look to the bottom. So I suppose I am missing something with Stacey. Jealousy perhaps. I am jealous of her and of her friends and her last relationship. I acted out towards her out of jealousy. That doesn’t quite make sense. There’s still some missing detail. Maybe she could help me out with that?

Today was huge. I feel more and more like a real real estate agent everyday. It’s a huge responsibility. And I’m sober and the process of meeting hundreds of people seriously reveals my character defects. It gives me stuff to work on. It’s made me a little depressed. But that’s ok. I always grow. What am I growing towards right now? I have no idea. Peace it must be. Maybe more. I don’t know. But I am growing! Are you growing?

Eggs. Broccoli. Tomatoes. Mushrooms. Epic.
I have a black skillet. This thing is strange. It never burns anything. It just charrs it. It’s never too hot. And sometimes it seems like it doesn’t have Enough heat to cook everything. But it always pulls through and cook everything perfectly. It’s an odd pan.

I watched Dave chap Elle last night on my phone. I felt dirty today. Mainstream media and culture. It’s funky. I haven’t watched any of it for six years. I hope to never again. I am mich happier without it. Books. And informational shows.
Chapelle is a genius. And he is funny. But all of mainstream media is based on this grunge. The ugly side of humanity. Competition. I don’t want to compete. I want to fit in and do my part.

I was watching the seagulls today at the beach. Next to the people. It was beautiful. And I saw just a bunch of life. Not seagulls and people. But a bunch of life all together. It was good. I can’t stand watching videos of people with animals. It’s like they project themselves on to the animal. And they don’t understand the animal. They just try to control it. The same with kids and parents. Most parents don’t understand their kids at all. I do. I understand kids.

I think capitalism necessarily includes homelessness. Does democracy necessarily include capitalism?

Blessed are those who mourn

It seems this may be the point of life. And anything else may be a reaction or escape from it. All life ends in death. And death brings mourning. Why is it called morning? And it seems everyone is trying to escape the grief. Including me. Constantly. I have a lot of grief. Now I am grieving Stacey and possibly a fantasy. I thought for sure she would meet me and we could be friends. I swear I asked her to meet me before, but I don’t remmeber it. I asked her to meet me at pleasure point. But there was a surf competition there. There’s something about Americans. Constantly building. Defining. Conoartmebtalizing. Escaping the grief and the pain possibly. I have a lot going on. I look to a hope that’s a Stacey can resolve it. She can’t. Meeting her won’t resolve all this for me. Maybe she can tell. I am frustrated with my mom having cancer and am judging her for her reaction to it. I always judge her. I am going to make amends with her for judging her. That’s the next step. And the poor counselor at the emeline center. I brought a homeless woman in there a year ago thinking I could solve something. I couldn’t solve anything and I was a part of the problem. Narcissistic. I may try to make amends with that counselor. It hurts to realize how wrong I was, but I was just doing my best to help. You have to try and that involves making mistakes. But I can’t do it without trying.