I was stalking her!

Whoa! I was. I just realized this. I saw her again and it brought up the stalker so I stopped and thought it through. Not necessarily the way you would think. I’m writing this for the sake of clarity. Something deep is side of me was intensely looking for her. Every where I went I was searching her out, kind of subconsciously. If I saw anyone like her, I would intensely stare them down. I was trying to force her to deliver on a perceived promise that wasn’t real. I felt that she had promised to save me. I know that is ridiculous and I now have that figured out. It all started because she said, “I understand.” Nobody had ever said that before. I wanted her to understand all of my problems and fix them. It’s why I fell in love with her. She said I understand. Hah! It’s simple! Now if I could just get her to say I do…

Have fun

The commitment was real. It was just up to me to enjoy what God gave me. That’s right! Here’s some fun labels to help let go of the negative and enjoy the positive:

Everyone has these at least a tiny bit. They aren’t productive by themselves. I brought them to Stacey.

control

anger

victimize

abuse

forceful

masochism (hurting oneself, even emotionally)

Lets let go of those guys and create joy!

Leading life with efficient language

Hi, good morning, do you need help with anything today?

Do you need to tell me anything?

 

see you tonorrow!

 

 

 

 

Its Santa Cruz, relax.

 

boundaries keep you safe! I wonder if it had anything to do with the shield of the Holy spirit that Paul talked about. Is the idea of good boundaries biblical? Did it stem from the Bible? The commandments? Non biblical ideas generally represent poor boundaries … or enmeshment.

 

Making it work:

 

It’s really simple. There’s:

 

trust

faith

honesty

patience

sacrifice

boundaries

 

lastly, I need to be heard. And I can laugh about this now. It’s gross though. “Bend over”. I am just now becoming capable of remembering that. My dad said all the time. That’s my major source of neuroticism right now. I’m in the middle of that. The fact that I couldn’t remember until now, and that it happened all the time, hah, which is funny because it’s so absurd, shows how severely intense and scary and traumatic was for me. It messed up my brain. I had to go some where else when he said that. It’s a strange psychological phenomenon. Cognitive dissonance. Dissociation. When the seemingly impossible, or the truly incomprehensible, happens.

 

Its like slavery. It messes up your brains. Internal splits happen. The goal is integration. It’s a metaphor. There’s social integration, racial integration, and psychological integration. They go hand in hand. Like two helmets in a box.

 

what I’m noticing about myself is, I need AA. I always do. Whenever I ever away I get afraid. It creates problems. Psychotherapy is good but it’s just a tool to use to be able to open up more. With AA I can handle anything. Without it, the therapy gets rough and doesn’t necessarily work! The 12 steps to me, especially the sixth step, are a pathway to stability freedom and peace.

The belle effect

I rode by Bell today. I haven’t been there in a long time. Her spirit is there. It’s similar to Danes and Scott’s but of course more female and organized. But wow. Honestly. I was there for two years before he started. She really transformed that place. It was good to begin with. Giro. But she brought this charm and pure heart that is still there.

I figure it out. I have poor boundaries. I don’t know where I stop. Physically. I want to enmesh with her. So she can save me. Hah! This is so funny. Because with the news that my mom has cancer, I remembered that she first taught me the word you. And the word me. And that was sort of when I realized that I was separate from her. But my family had a lot of enmeshment going on. Biking was my escape. Boundaries are simple on a bike. And with animals.