The truth

It’s ok. It’s all ok. It really is. My childhood was so awesome. I’m always trying to share it with people. Between junior lifeguards, junior explorers, martial arts, popper Keizer, and about everything between, it was epic.

In the summer Santa Cruz mornings, my friends mom would take us to twin lakes beach for junior lifeguards. And it was freezing. And the heater only worked in the floor. So I’d be in the front huddled down against there trying to warm up as much as possible before we got there. And then wrap up in my towel and run down the beach ohhh. It was awesome. And now I live right there.

Then swim practice in high school. It stared at 6 am and I loved it. Show up and get into your swimsuit. And swim. Those were the days. I used to love it.

Or dirtbiking in pozo in college. It wa septic. Get up at 6,drive out, prep the bikes. Get your gear on. Then ride. Ohh it was unmatchable.

The truth

Oh no. I had a really hard, and good therapy session. It was good. We discussed a recent dream I had had. And then I asked to emdr to help process it. It got bad. It was bad! Ohhh. It was not good. It’s going to take a few days. I don’t know how to schedule my texture party. Because I want to get it done. Ahhh. Here’s only two people who understand. One is dead. The other has multiple personalities and frankly I don’t trust him. Although I could. I helped him move. I wonder, one day, all the people I have stopped everything for and made a huge push for them, will that mean anything? What about the people who stopped everything for me? Wow. It’ll be pretty amazing. With fireworks. A celebration of awesome. Is this normal? I mean, am I just entering normality? Where it’s just you, and me, and we have to make huge moves for each Other? Who are these other people who are so worried about everything? I know what I am doing. I’m getting sort of dramatic. And it makes the people who haven’t been there … a little uneasy. But no, it’s ok! It’s all ok! You just haven’t been there! Where this moment, is all there is! So we have to fight! Meaning, fight for us! Whether it’s me, and you, or me, and neighbor, or me, and whoever. Let’s get out of the fog! It’s foggy! And start supporting each other! You can’t do it if yer rich. You’ll only know when you’re there! Can we push each other to see were all one? And use vocabulary to hold up each of us to that?

The fog says, you have to be perfect and help solve everyone’s problems. And, you’ll never be good enough. We are GOOD ENOUGH! For the love of God! I know.

The money brings this stupid fog everyone is roaming around in. It says don’t depend on God, the real things , the reality. Just keep chasing my little lure.

What’s most important

Is surfing. Definitely surfing. And paddling. When you stop paddling, you get pushed around. And sometimes it backs you into a hole. And then, you have to really paddle to get out of there. It’s not necessarily that anything bad will happen. But you just don’t know. The cliffs are scary.

My kind of party

I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off. I have been wanting to have a party at my house for a long time. But I couldn’t come up with a great theme. But now I’ve got it.

You are acceptable.

I’ll have to trick people to come. Because if they know what it’s really about, they probably won’t come. My existing 1949 texture is plaster. It was hand done. I’m doing my remodel the same to match. And to do it, you gotta do it by hand. So I’m going to somehow convince people to come over, maybe have some food and a drink, and then hand them a big ol blade and some mud and say, ok, you can do this. It doesn’t really matter what you do. Just have confidence and go for it. Whatever you do, it will be acceptable. It’s easy to match! Now go!

Ohhhh it would be quite the bonding experience for the neighborhood. And all the weirdos that don’t understand me.

Staying amazing and ob syndrome

There’s this culture that wants me to just be ok and not see how amazing 5e world is. That’s called stagnation. We need to keep going forwards! Maybe it means making a change. Letting go of something. Cleaning the bathtub. Something!

I have older brother syndrome. I have to be in younger people’s lives. My sister doesn’t want to talk and it’s driving m crazy. But I need to be helping someone! On one hand, it’s good. She has a good boyfriend and they really like each other. So I think she is trying to focus on him. Which is what I hope for her anyway. But now I have his younger sibling hole.

A good day

Well. Things got deep this month. Ouch. Oh man. It hurt. I can barely move. But I did go surfing. It was good. I didn’t plan on catching any waves. Bu I did. I couldn’t pass one up. It’s like when someone shows interest in me. I use it as a platform to encourage growth for me and them. I’ve given up on everything. And I encourage others to process their emotions so they can give it all up too. So I figure if someone likes me, they like something about me. And by conversing with them, I can lead them to what they’re actually looking for. Because it probably isn’t about me. It’s about fulfillment.

I have worked my life into such an awesome cozy spot. I have zero worries. I don’t lock my house. Or my car. When I surf I just leave my keys in a good spot. Often on the rocks. Everything I do people get paranoid. And it’s like, it’s you! I’m not worried about it. Because I’m confident and I’ve faced myself. If you’re worried about it, it’s you! For example, some people get irked when I don’t lock my house door. And I have to realize, you’re e only one worried… shouldn’t I then be worried about you?!

Anyway! The surf today was fun. No animals. Clean water. Decent head highs waves a few times. I couldn’t get enough speed to get all the way through the wave. I’m not a very good surfer and my board is decrepit. But it was fun. When it closed out, I flew into the air a few times. Once I got enough height to swan dive. It was really cool. Some of the guys were really competitive about getting there waves. I’m weak right now so I just got out of their way. Then this kid was stuck on the inside and he started telling me the whole story of his day. Naturally I listened because I have the time to listen. Soon enough crazy dad comes over and yells at him. I want out of this town so badly. Everyone is crazy. I just go surf, leave my door open, leave my keys somewhere, and a, courteous, patient, and have fun. This creates a lot of friction for me.

I feel like I’m surrounded and corners by people who are worried and and angry and insecure. And I’m like, I’ve got a billion dollars in my back pocket. You can’t even upset me.

The plan

I should have stuck to the plan. Finish my remodel. See if Stacey calls in August. And write in my blog. It was simple enough. But of course I had to complicate it and try to save everyone in the process. Atleast I’m still alive. I still haven’t broken a bone. Sort of. And I can still paddle! I paddled from the lane to cowbells stairway and back tonight. It was great. Not in the dark. That would be great too. It’s like a mini vacation. You depart. And slowly travel to the next spot. And then get there. And there’s sights along the way. The. You hang out at cowbells for a bit. Then go back. Going back is always faster. It was really fun. There was seaweed, and ducks, and stalactites, and rocks, and some small waves. My paddling was pretty good. I have never been in surfing shape. But I can paddle pretty well when I need to. For me it’s all about a straight, streamlined body. And not so much floating on the board, but rather swimming with a board under me. When I go out on bigger days, I am never in shape. But like biking, I just remind myself to keep paddling. Sometimes it takes me an hour to get out. But I don’t stop paddling. If I am tired, I slow down, but keep paddling. And I always make it out. That’s like my life. Constantly paddling. I a,ways wonder if I should be wiser about the situations I get into. I would say definitely yes.

Praying with strangers? I think that’s great. And it’s my cup of tea. That’s all I do anyway. Pray. But most of my other choices? Possibly questionable. Well see.

My earliest memory

I found this epic Christian book on memory analysis. They say understanding your earliest memories help make sense of problems in life now. My earliest memory? I was a figure. I made myself into a figure in my own head. It was a Coping mechanism. I even had a pretend coach and announcers talking to the figure. I imagined everyone cheering for me. Hahaha! It didn’t matter what happened exactly or what type of figure I was, I was just this public figure if some kind. And in some ways, a mechanical projection.

I can’t stand stagnation

And it’s piling up on me. All these loose ends with people. Conversations that need to be had.

Hey you said this to me, I was wondering, what did you mean?

Hi you are acting this way, I was wondering, am I doing something you don’t like?

And it’s Father’s Day. To call or not to call. Obviously to call! But I don’t want to. So I get all shut down. So I called. Number doesn’t work anymore. Matter settled! Move forwards! Yay!

Backwash

I slower down today and paddled around for an hour before working. It is so frustrating because a year ago when I started my great job, I had so much energy and was pogoing all over the place. But lately I have been devastatingly slow. And my knee is hurt. I broke my toe before. Then my knee got hurt. It’s like I hate myself. So I have been pushing the people out of my life that make me feel that way. It feels great. They can wallow in their own problems. The paddle was so good. My body loves it. I’m getting fat in my belly area. Too many pancakes. I paddled pretty well. I have never been in great paddlin shape. It like the really good guys. But I love to paddle, duck dive, and then find a rock to check out the critters. And get washed around by the backwash. It’s neat because the swell and current will bring you way in, and then way out, especially if you find a cool little valley.