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Front and center. Wow. I thought my mast was going to blow off last night. Then like nothing ever happened in the past, it stopped. Immediately. Then this morning thunder come rolling through. It was real. Before TV, this is what we had. And it was good. Wow. He says, Stacey, marry Kyle now! That’s what he said.

 

My pressure cooker isn’t exactly perfect. It undercooked the rice then burnt it. Ouch! But Atleast I had some warm food! And got water this morning! Brown rice, onions, chopped corn off the cob, and scrambled eggs.

 

We know you’ve got complaints. Suck it up and throw your bag over your shoulder.

Seriously. You are attractive! I keep marinating on Timbuk2’s recent photos. I went to bed at 830. I did it for you! No more neurotic. Almost. Everything triggers me and I have to leave! Ah! The highway really gets me. The harbor. The outhouse. The Forrest. Pretty much everywhere. PTSD. In the flesh. Everyone gets it.

The soaps are back. It really made my day. Living on a boat is fun… until you spend time in a stable house. Then you come back to this constantly rocking thing. But it is living on a sailboat! It’s definitely a lifestyle choice. I wasn’t expecting SO much rocking.

Whew today was a lot  drove to San Rafael for a smoking deal on a nifty stainless steel anchor that will really tie the boat together. Then did an open house off HWY 17.Great house. Traffic was crazy so I had to dart around setting up the signs. I did my work and didn’t get too involved with anyone. Nobody came to the house. It was raining. Then I took everything home, went to work for a bit, then checked out a vacant house. It’s a good price, but needs work. Lompico. A lot of work. I had too much coffee and too many apples at once. Caffeine and sugar. Boing! Jack in the biz breakfast. Apples for lunch. With blueberry bread I made at the house. Burrito for dinner. I just exercise tomorrow!!!!!! And get some sun. Lightning showers are forecast.

 

I recently read a quote to focus on the thousand things you are thankful for.  Mostly, every speckle in her eye and every freckle on her face!

 

We were both well primed to take a huge step of faith. Probably bigger than most. I mean, anything could happen. And it most likely wasn’t going to go the way we wanted. But we were both mature enough to know, it was probably a good thing. And it was definitely worth it.

 

It’s perfect. I needed a new name for my boat! The hope arbor scene. Oh God. I need to stay grounded. I can’t go around on the fantasy goofy wheel again. I watched Goofy a lot as a kid. I can’t be the clown any more. I need to be as real as I can be. That means humility.

Ahhh! This new scene kind of tripped me up. The harbor and often the beach seem to attract people that scare me. A friend helped me remember what’s going on. These types of places attract people who are looking for something. And they’re usually hurt. And they usually want to take that out on someone. Firstly I need to understand that within myself. Secondly, if I can recognize what’s going on, I can help! Instead of being triggered, I can attempt to authentically empathize and ask a thoughtful or caring question. But geez, sometimes I get blindsided by triggers and this whole snowball of things happens. The thing is, hurt people are creepy!! Everyone gets there sometimes. But they have those needy, those angry, those manipulative, those eyes. And usually they lack sleep, drank too much alcohol, or coffee, and are out to project on to an unknowing victim. From Seattle.

 

Sometimes I leave Santa Cruz for the day. And sometimes I don’t want to go back. It’s a rugged area. I didn’t know it until I was 18 and I see it more and more now. It’s sort of a masochistic area. So many people there, want to hurt. We do! We want the hard life. Against the cliffs. Against the storms. It’s interesting. The rest of the world is not like that. And I grew up opposed to “the rest of the world”. Then Washington showed up like a bride from heaven. I mean bird from heaven.

Wake up in a nightmare. Don’t know what to do. Can’t get out of it. Who can I talk to? Is anyone emotionally safe?

 

Here’s an idea! Go freak someone out! So I see a paddleboarder, a young girl, paddling out into the large swell. It looks like my sister. So I project on to this person, and start being really worried about her. So I go tell someone. And it freaks them out, here’s Kyle asking about the young blonde girl. Now they think I’m a pervert! Ah! I want out of this horrible nightmare!

 

But I have hope in something!

I am so sorry! You have no idea what I deal with. There’ll be some little comment that reminds me of serious, extreme injustices, and it will set me way back. There are two things currently:

 

Someone at my old job commenting that a pig was having a bad day. My dad used to cover up why I was so hurt by saying I was having a bad day.

Waking up in the morning hearing my sister yelling frantically and desperately to stop. That used to happen all the time.

She and I are both somewhat masochistic in subtle ways. It’s hard to say but I think deep down we both want to die, or hurt ourselves, because we can’t get away from memories of the past.

Atleast there’s presents in the present!

That’s right! All day. With oatmeal, almond milk, a tomatoe, carrots, celery, smoked salmon, and some other things. Whole Foods, of course. And a run on the wide open beach. Do you have what it takes?

 

I fixed one running light and broke two. I’m just going to go buy an eighteen pack and sit on the dock. But seriously. I did my laundry. And my sleeping bag. I met some Dutch at the mat. They gave me their chairs.

I did my marketing. I love real estate. It’s peoples homes!!! Live love whatever.

 

i bought an electric pressure cooker. Horrible idea. It’s terrifying!!!

 

And I didn’t take no crap from no self entitled sociopaths.

 

And broccoli!!! Raw broccoli! Who needs multivitamins?!

I think it’s meth. Or adderral. Or pornography. Or mass media. These people are nuts. I left my really good lavender body wash bottle in the shower. No sorry cucumber mint. The next day it was gone. So I figure, OK, they needed it. So I bought the same one and left it in the shower again thinking now I’m safe, I can leave it here and not have to bring it with me every time. So then someone else left there soap too. So I thought well more company is better so I was at the store and all one soap was on sale. A huge bottle. So I bought that. And the next day an arm and hammer body wash. And I left them all there so I could use it and others could use it and we could all be happy. That lasted two days. Yesterday some drug addict was in there and asked if I would let him in to the shower. He was yelling and being crazy but of course nice me let him in. He said he was here temporarily on as fishing boat. Figures. He was yelling at me for not responding to him. So I left and thought, he’s going to steal the soap. Sure enough today all five were gone. I literally want to find this person and beat them up! I don’t think I will. How do you deal with this?! I want to figure out how to act and be so I can control these morons. Or Atleast stop then from taking things out in me. This is why I do martial arts and drive crazy. Because these crazy people, there’s only a few of them, get to me so much, and I know a defense is if you are more domineering, manipulative, and intimidating, they can’t get to you. It’s sort of like women in a way. I see it all the time in couples. The battle of intimidation.

 

if you can’t feed a hundred people than feed only one.

 

the question is, what am I stealing? Consciously or unconsciously. Intentionally or unintentionally.

 

p.s. You are beautiful!

Thats rational.

Untrusting?

Its normal.

 

There are people chained to walls in basements. It’s hard to hear and hard to think about. It’s even worse to be there. But some of those people are actually the most grateful. Because they know what it means to have anything. So listen up! Find gratitude before it’s too late!!!

So when you judge some poor person for being crazy, ask yourself, what is more crazy:

How much they have grown

or, that you are judging them.

or, that you think they would hold anything against you. THAT is crazy.

Maybe, it’s your self entitlement that is making them crazy!

Either way, I have tried to change. This is just how I am. I like to accelerate fast often and zip through tight spots. I like to zip around between projects and slowly push them all forwards. I like to quickly brain storm every possible facet of something to arrive at the best solution. Sometimes I get scared or claustrophobic and I dart away. That’s how I am!!! If you can’t accept that, we will never work!!! Why is it even a problem! It doesn’t affect you or anyone else. Just let me be myself it’s the only way I work. And it’s OK! Nobody else cares.

 

I was at the county discussing setbacks. And I felt that I was the only one in the room who realized the metaphor. Ah it’s just a setback. Hah! It won’t stop the project. It just changes the plan that’s all.

My point is, just be grateful that you aren’t crazy. If you can’t do that, than I think from a philosophical perspective, you must also be crazy. What I mean is, it is crazy to judge a crazy person.

i think really what it comes down to is I am grateful for you and I am sad I can’t share time with you.

A very wise man told me a few things over the last few months. One, Christianity isn’t about sacrifice, it’s about commitment. And whatever that entails. Second, we try and make very thing black and white but we live in a works of greys. Lastly, that it is good to live only with what you need.

I think I am drunk in love. I am not drinking. But I am much more care free. I have been swearing a lot lately. I am so tired of self entitled assholes!!! I work so hard. Physically. And mentally. And then some weirdo comes along and ruins my day with a complaint or judgement 🙁 I guess I used to do that too. To all the humble people who actually make the world go round. Dirty jobs. But they’re kind of fun.

 

its just hard for me. I just work. I work! In more ways than one. But I live in a world of people who aren’t just working. They’re posturing. And I don’t fit that game.