Dealing with beginners

Ah! They drive me absolutely crazy. Mountain bikers. Sailors. Surfers. They always come out with new gear that’s way past their ability, bright colors, and a loud arrogant attitude. And then they call you weird and crazy. This is why I need the 12 steps. It forces me to see that that used to be me. And the only reason I progressed was the understanding, love, and patience of others. And of Stacey.

Finding confidence

Oh she took all my confidence. And my will. Oh it hurts. I mean I was there. I was all ready. And she just slashed me apart! Again. She didn’t even acknowledge me. So now I have to find confidence else where. But I wonder how she felt …

It’s a smiley face!

I thought it was a stamp. It’s so awesome how if you just open up some good stuff for people, they’ll come make themselves at home. They’ll make it their town! That’s what we want. A home. A place. to be safe. To be ourselves. I’ve been doing this for years. Sort of bringing dignity back. People do it for me too. To be chillo.

It was all pretty simple stuff

It’s starts with an insecure attachment. Then there’s some traumas that lead to triggers that will set a person into a hyper vigilant, neurotic swing. And then there’s the reactions, narcissism and an overdeveloped sense of self. Along with all the walls and symptoms. Anger. Self sabotage. Addiction. Drama. And masochism generally in the form of drama, addiction, etc.

 

ok ok, here is the real truth. I don’t think a balanced lifestyle should require traveling more than five miles. That’s the whole argument. Maybe once a year. But not otherwise. I think that’s actually imbalanced

 

And I don’t think that a person doing missionary work should need one of those a vacation to balance out the mission trip. I see that as unbalanced. The mission trip ought to be able to happen without needing anything else. If it can’t, then while you may have physically done something, I think you’ve only spread an addiction.

 

I don’t think you should rely on a pet to balance a relationship or family. The family should open up to resolving the imbalance without a pet.

I think this means I’m ready for a hug!

Balance should inherently resolve a need to get away or escape.

To be together.

It had been four years. And I definitely hadn’t accomplished anything for her that I wanted to. I wasn’t a professional sailor. I didn’t have a million dollars for her. And my heart was still messed up. I thought it through. She must be frustrated too. But eventually I realized, maybe those years were just a process. A process of slowly letting go of my expectations and desires and dreams. Letting go of anything in the way of just being together. Because that was the point.

Sometimes I wondered, did she want to back out?

Maybe she was happy where she was. Or with someone else. Hello? I could do the same thing. But I don’t. Because I promised. It was her or no one. If I couldn’t love her, then logically, why could I think I could love someone else? The same issues would eventually arise. There was a phenomenon between us. We acutely challenge each other. And that’s the point. It’s why we chose each other in the first place. And it’s what God wants. If we achieve peace, then the rest of the world will. Stagnation will make it look like the relationship is dead. Maybe she has something to investigate. Maybe that’s what drives me crazy. Is she doing her job?

I was thinking today, what if, after the years, she didn’t have the same body? Hah. It wouldn’t matter. What matters is I needed to go on a bike ride. And I need to stick with my realistic life program. That’s what matters.

But life for me is better after a ride. One must start the day with a run or a ride. That’s my problem. Otherwise I stagnate horribly.

I found out, through her, that women love the word beautiful. I didn’t know it before. I just wrote her an honest letter. I had never said anything like that before. I didn’t necessarily know what I was really saying. But I knew I needed to write it.

Women have an acute ability to help and heal men. And she should do whatever is effective with any man. Verbally. She’s already done a lot. Just leading me in transforming my problems is enough to ask from one woman and one man in a lifetime. But we can all do something daily that leads the world towards peace. It’s our responsibility.

Fornever

I’m going crazy. It’s so close I can feel it. Just one touch. One hug. That’s it. You’ll know definitively after that. It’s so close it’s becoming … normal!!! It’s hard for me to be real because it hurts. I have all this latent pain. I feel it physically. Today while riding my bike I let myself feel it. It feels like I’m going to die. Then after one second it dissipated and I feel better. But just getting there … is hard. Its why I was a neurotic for thirty years. Fleeing the pain. Instead of feeling the pain. To flee, or to feel, that is the question. Oh she saw right through it. And I wanted what she has. But it hurts.

I think it’s gone

The monster is feeling better. There was some confused things going on with it. But I think it’s fine now. It just ran out of gas though. Nothing a trip won’t solve.

The twelve steps. A recipe for sanity. I was neurotic. And severely inconsistent. I don’t know exactly how or why. But all that matters is I know how to solve it. I can’t believe how far off balance I got.

From some aa literature: humility will bring balance.

A meeting is an insurance for sanity.

Jesus calls for surrender. To me, that is to surrender my resentments God. To be real.