Well Timbuk2 seems to be back. They had a little lull there. It was still good but missing that Peterson style.
I can see it in other women! I don’t know how! They tell me somehow in their eyes.
In2you! My days are much better if I just tune in to my higher power. Got a lot of garbage behavior today. Just smiled and held my own. Later realized, it wasn’t about me. They’re just people in a crazy thing. And I’m not anymore!! Yay for love!
What if I didn’t have this blog? Actually, I suppose, I might have grown quicker. Hard to say.
Well, Kylegod was at it again, convincing himself he is the center of the world and everyone owes him and he is God. I woke up, read my A.A. book, and realized I was doing it again. Instant relief to realize, I don’t have to fit everything into one bag. The day was a miracle. I was at the gym, and thought, I should go to the hardware store right now to get that glue I need to repair my moms brokensink. So I did. And there was a man I needed to talk to. An amends. I didn’t say everything I was supposed to but it was good enough. Then later another epic amends. Then later another. Serendipitous. Just like when I first met her. We. Are. A. Phenomenon.
I’m getting better at it. This fucking asshole homeless piece of shit started screaming that I was harassing him after offering him my chips. So I yelled back, you’re the problem. You ARE the problem! Earlier some rich weirdo with his girlfriend gave me a really awful look. So I yelled at him, “teenage grunge”. I really don’t care anymore. People need to hear the truth. It feels good. It’s right. The truth is right. I just have to get better at defining it and yelling it.
Some 40 year old surfer in a wagon got mad at me for driving the speed limit. He passed in the other lane, and stopped to yell at me. I told him to grow up and stop being a teenager. He really took offense to it but didn’t have a response.
Stop being a teenager! Stop trying to control everything! Those work well because they can’t argue with it.
This town is chock full of narcissistic teenagers. I hope to destroy them all. It just feels really good to put these narcissists in their place.
I couldn’t believe him. Claiming harassment. What a brat. He’s at least thirty years old. Sitting playing videos games. That really got to me. They’re taking over this city. And not nice ones. Crazy weird ones like that. I want them out of here. I had just come from church. I was in a vulnerable state. He stabbed me in the heart.
It was skiing, snow, construction, my truck, and camping. Maybe that’s why I loved her. She talked about camping. But then I sold my truck and tortured myself for six years by not pursuing what I love, and instead pushing sailing. Why sailing? It’s good. But it isn’t my true passion. My true passion is an alcohol burner and a self cleaning pump water filter, next to a lake, perhaps with a. Fishing pole.
Two nights ago I had had enough torture. I made the rounds of all the epic Santa Cruz stores, collecting prices and information. Went to work, got my laptop, went home and sat on my bed and did some good old fashioned internet research.
Hours later I had a pad, a sleeping bag, a battery powered Xmas light strong, a stove, a used mini DSLR, and a Tupperware of two hard boiled eggs, a tomatoe, an apple, and an orange.
An hour later I was at 2600 feet, the highest peak near Santa Cruz, getting my car level. It was epic.
In the middle of the night, I woke up ecstatic. This weird, electrical feeling was penetrating me. The sound of the rain that had started hours ago had changed. And the 5 year old inside of me knew Exactly what that sound was.
Sailing was more of just an adrenaline fix. How far can I push the boat and crew?
I know it’s you. Just forgive me! I am different now. This whole owning up to my craziness and doing better is actually working.
I rode hard yesterday. And yesterday was good. Then today I didn’t do anything. And by the afternoon I was acting weird, sheepish, and insecure. Really? I can’t go one day without intense exercise? Ugh. That’s depressing.
I have been doing balance exercises. Mostly making up my own. Wow they really help. When you need to dig one foot into a pedal hard and balance the bike, the extra strength really helps. It seems that strength is half of handling a bike well. There’s a lot of force in turns and jumps. I’m really learning to jump small things now and flow better. I’ve been watching mr Gwinn. He has been my hero since he had a bunch of wins. I just like his style. It’s simple.
A client freaked out six months ago and decided not to sell. Now she’s blaming me for telling her to get rid of the washing machine that was in her backyard. She says she lost $1000 in giving it away and that it’s my fault. I was trying to get ready to sell the property for 1.2M and needed it to present properly to the market. How can I reconcile with her?
Other men get to go biking and skiing with super hot and cool Stacey. I want to go biking and skiing with super hot and cool Stacey. It’s not fair.
Lastly, I am uncomfortable around women. I want to be comfortable around women. And attractive. And fun. And personable. I don’t want to be afraid of intimidating, weird, men. I want to foster good friendships with good, like minded, smart, clean, people.
Ah! I spent so long pushing people away. But now I need friends to do things with. Hiking. Biking. Maybe some sailing. I pushed everything to the max so it became about goals rather than friendships. What will I do next? Friends. Parks? Racing bikes? Golf? Oh I can’t stand golf. I’m sorry. I just don’t get it.
Does this mean it’s over? Maybe it won’t work? Maybe it won’t work the way we thought?
I don’t even know. I stopped looking for her. Ithought I saw her twice yesterday. One riding with another man. And it was OK. That’s how I met her. But why do I get blamed for being neurotic when the men she spends time with are the same?
Jealousy. I spent years trying to get to her. Incite jealousy. Hurt her. That’s over. I don’t know where it came from. Teenage behavior. Is there something that would make up for that. That is what I want to know.