Ugh I raced surf city cyclocross yesterday. It was an a amazing course. I can’t believe how well they put them together. It was weird for me. I had the strength and skills but not the lungs. I was pufffing the whole time. I have felt like I can’t breathe for the last year. So I haven’t been training very hard. I felt I could have given another 5%. I passed about 12 people. They were all complaining about me passing them! What?! You’re supposed to cheer on other riders! My chain came off and a heckler was talking to me weirdly. All in all it was incredible. But then I heckled the next races. I was mad at the riders and hecklers from my race so I made fun of everyone in this sort of psychological or philosophical way. It was funny to me but it didn’t seem like anyone else appreciated it. “Listen to your heart” “Don’t feel your feelings” “Your body is lying to you” hah. I was so mad! Why wouldn’t my racers just get along with me. The guy who beat me at the finish seemed all too happy, the guy who I beat seemed all too sore about it. We were all pumped up on adrenaline. I have a constant need to be comforted by everyone! That doesn’t seem to happen during a race. But the thing is I am more experienced than them. I find myself constantly not completely making this transition into someone who can understand the self centered because I am still self centered. But I’ve started the transition so I am in this transition state that is confusing.
I think I was also mad because I can’t seem to work anything out with Stacey. It seemed like everyone at the race had everything figured out and together. And I wanted that. But I have to remmeber I come from a very hard place and I chose a very deep path. So I suppose I could just celebrate with people as people. Maybe seeing couples reminded me of being a kid and my dad wanting to steal all my moms attention. It turned in to a competition of attention rather than just a loving family and situation.
This is a little scary. I can’t sleep. And I can’t breathe. I’m using three cups of coffee to counter it. That may be making me act weird and not helping the sleep. I don’t feel supported by anyone even if they do support me. This is crazy! I feel diminished like I didn’t stand up for myself or anything I value, and now it’s got me cornered. I chose to be quiet and endure. That has created a lot of suspicion about me. Someone has to do it. To sort of create the hole for the communities pain and everything to go into. Otherwise everyone will just keep trying to run away from the their feelings. But I have to figure out how to be truly supportive and sincerely supportive. And to be trusted. I trust. But the common factor in this society is to not trust. And the media loves to spread that notion because it drive consumerism. Maybe there are people I should just stay away from. Listen to my heart. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I still have a lot of pain. How does it end? And why was I doing so well a year or two ago? It seems I chose to go deeper. How deep does this stuff go and how on earth was it hidden before? It’s baffling. But writing about it is helpful especially thinking that someone is reading this.
I think yesterday I had some confidence to stand up for what I believe. To express myself even if people might not like it. I surfed yesterday and put someone in their place. He listened. He was always in the wrong spot at the wrong time. It’s good to express reality.