I don’t know what is going on. I think I am trying harder to have a gentler impact on people around me. Or something. Every day is like a massive granite boulder. I can’t hardly move! I get good sleep. I exercise. But I don’t have any drive! When I was at work I had everything down to a tee. It’s like I’m in a spell or something. I keep getting rid of things thinking it’s my things weighing me down. Maybe it’s my car??? I just can’t make any decisions either. It’s like someone took me and put me in molasses. Don’t do anything. Don’t make any decisions. I sleep. Then I sit on the couch. Staring and praying. Maybe I’m stuck in a childhood trauma? That’s sort of what it feels like. Like I can’t make it stop. I can’t get away from it either. This is horrible! Maybe I need to move? Maybe I need to move.
oh it’s just depressing. I mean I spent ten years working through all of it and clearing everything out of my life. And so now I’m just ready and present and accepting. But I feel like I’m just surrounded by drunks and parties and people stuck in this gooey tension control habit and all this muck. But I am afraid to express what I know because it is piercing. I mean really is this how you all want to spend the rest of your lives? Never really looking at yourself and your life? Never finding happiness in just being? What is the deal?? Ohhhhh man.