The death grueling bottom

I need help. I don’t get it. Why has all of this happened, and why can’t I change. I am addicted to being crazy and excitement.

I drove out to a listing. It was supposed to be normal and fun. It’s down a dirt road. So of course I turned it into an off road race.

At open houses, I have started singing loudly to myself.

I feel this was unprofessional and I am ashamed.

I am generally desperate. De-sparate. Not romantically, but in a general sense. Constantly feeling diminished.

I got a cavity four years ago. I finally had it filled after it finally dig into my enamel. Or whatever part of the tooth that isn’t good. At the dentist, he was looking at my teeth reminding me that I grind my teeth at night. And two have small cracks. It was absolute defeat.

The cavity and cracks may be from years ago. I can’t remember. That’s whats frustrating as well. I used to keep track of all of this. But I’m so afraid after selling my wonderful abode, giving up sailing, being in a new career, and having been fired so many times. It is my fault and I am afraid I can’t change.

I’m drinking too much coffee. I don’t want to write in my blog anymore. I hate Stacey for assuming I am stalking her. I am not stalking Stacey.

I wanted to die at the dentist. I brush twice a day, floss daily, and at night I do a double brush sandwich with floss.

And I have no peace. I might fake it. But cracks in my teeth from grinding at night don’t lie.

I don’t want to take medication. I want someone to support me. Why is this? I feel I need a woman to help me. Stacey won’t do it. But I would feel horrible finding someone else. A friend? I can’t admit that I am defeated. Utterly. How was I so deceived? How do I get out of this, desperation, self righteousness, self deception, craze?

My entire program hinges on convincing myself that I am better or have something better than others. It’s onviosuly unsustainable.

I don’t love others. I hate people. This is why my teeth are cracked. It leaves me weak, and the spiritually or emotionally defeat me, and I gnash my teeth.

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