I went to the range yesterday. I noticed the trigger. That used to be dads territory. And he didn’t like me in his territory. That is why he didn’t teach me golf. It was subconscious for him but it is obvious now. I usually dissociate when I get there. This time I chose not to. I got really mad. I could have talked to someone about it but I didn’t. So I started talking to my dad and telling him his truth. Holding him to The truth. I probably looked crazy. It made me pretty riled up for a few hours. But I think it was good. All I ever needed was to stand for the truth. So I practiced doing it.
I realized, most of the world operates out of anger on a constant basis. Especially right now. And it is good to be present. It’s a process.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Acceptance.
I do not want to be like you. I know a part of me does. But I do not. You lost. And you compete with losers. I do not want to be a loser competing with losers.
You married Paula, and raised her son, for ten years, then divorced her. You had your own family. For 12 years. And you messed up. Then you shut her out and blamed her and my sister for everything. Then you married a bride from Russia through the internet, with a daughter. She divorced you. You messed up every time. That is the truth. You are in a severe neurotic loop of escape from pain. You always have been. People like you because you are fun and ski and golf. But you lie about everything, and everything important. I don’t want to live a lie like you.
I choose reality, real relationships, real people, and real love for me. That is what I want to be.