Today was molasses! I didn’t get anything done!all I want to do is get my subfloor back in and the heater working! But now I want to do the laundry a little differently and on and on and on. This is crazy! But this is it so I really want to do it well. It’s like I’ve grown a lot again and now I’m looking at myself like, what? What did you do for the last six months? After all that there should be a second story and a whole lot more on this house! But I needed time. It’s like this hole forgotten childhood is coming back. The wonder years. Camping trips. Friends. Birthdays. Teachers. Biking. Parks. And simultaneously I keep renewing myself so everything I once heard dear is different. Like I was once in a.p groove and now all of those things are different. I’m almost neurotic. I feel like I can’t get traction!!!
I remember she said she wanted to go to the tracks. The people there were her preferred friends. I was horrified and angry. I had just spent a lot getting her to health and she wanted to go hang out with the lazy, addicted addicts at the tracks?! What? But I could understand. They were warm and mostly gentle people who didn’t have anything to prove. They just stuck to the themselves. I found her originally pedaling around on a too small bike, with her hood on. That’s what she wanted to be. Half four year old, half teenager, grungy and lost. That’s how she felt inside obviously. It was really cute. She was really expressive of how she felt. I guess I can’t change her. It just didn’t seem right for someone who was so vulnerable to be sleeping in the woods. She was really resourceful. Always finding little trinkets and making things out of them. I always wondered what they thought or what they saw. Especially in their things. Because they were always putting things together in this way that was odd but seemed to have meaning to them. The usually stick propping out, some metallic object weaved around something else. I think it’s a spiritual thing to them. They think they are fighting these spirits. It’s so sad and helpless. It’s infuriating.