SELF HATE

They’re all good. Took them all rappelling at Davenport today. That cliff feels like it’s about to fall. But I was careful. From an ecological standpoint, I’m not going to rappelled there again. Driving back saw the shark fin. It used to be such a spectacle to me. Now it’s just a part of the whole continuous coast. Then I biked to Davenport. Mostly sane. Sung to the police as they were writing someone a ticket. I ate collard greens, tuna, a strange spiky hard broccoli, asparagus, pico de Gallo, zucchini, pinto beans. Water with salt for the ride and two oranges. Stopped for a muscle run, that seems to help my cramps. Also tried to stretch out and relax on the ride. Push forward with the legs more than press down. That helped.

Had a mantra:

I don’t need my mom

She’ll be fine

I can be sane

I can be accepted

I can be myself

Back to practicing sales.

I don’t know where or how my path fits in. I’m willing to give up everything to be on this path. To look at myself. The one who is hearing these words. See through the blinders. Integrate them. It’s amazing to see how much shame is around. I love my shame.

I love you. The real I. With real love. The real you.

There’s other layers to it. Needs for acceptance, validation, attention. Expectations. But the real thing is I’m there too. I don’t want to use you to appease my shame, self hate, anger, and rejection.

I have muscle tone, but no muscle. I don’t know where it went. It feels weird.

Remember that depression part! It’ll be there. But don’t worry. Just be with it.

ITS ALL LOVE. Theyre all just pieces of love. Colors in the rainbow.

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