Psychology. I was sure the whole time. I was just buying myself time. Looking back I could have worked through everything a lot faster. It’s funny that I kept pushing myself to dive in the harbor water. It meant something. All throughout the years. I’m lucky. Lucky I met Stacey. Lucky I could form a better bind with my mom so I felt safe enough to progress. Lucky my sister was ever born, my only true friend. I knew her since she was a little creature so it made it a special bond.
I’m exiting the dysfunctionally comfortable place of wounding! Where I can’t progress.
To be fulfilled (according to positive psychology):
meaning and purpose
Using the tools of life:
meditation and prayer
And choosing my goal is to spend my life getting to know someone worthwhile spending my life getting to know, and thereby also being known. For real!
And to do things that are a part of the solution.
To be less miserable.
To integrate a wholesome perspective of women.
#nofilter –  the filter of objectification
Pornography – noun. The idealization if one small part of the whole. I.e. the appearance of a person.
I was telling my therapist that since last week, when we did emdr regarding some memories that sort of flashed back while having to walk by the harbor fish dumpsters everyday, I haven’t had any objectifying thoughts about women. And they mostly all smile at me now. And, as a side note, my feelings for Stacey have grown exponentially. I mean, I fell in love with her, her voice, and her style. But I am also extremely physically attracted to her, so much so that I look away when I see her because I start objectifying her. But I think that’s pretty much gone. It was like a childhood defense mechanism I learned from my dad to hide my pain. He asked me if I ever objectify my sister. And I said no. And he said why not? It too me a long time to figure out. Because I’ve always known her as a whole. I met her as a heartbeat. And she’s definitely been a best friend ever since. It’s an interesting relationship. She has naturally been my best friend. I met Stacey as a letter. That’s how I met her! I knew her whole from the very beginning. And I think she wrote it! Maybe she wrote it for me without knowing. She does know how to fish. The subconscious is an interesting thing. Maybe before she started she checked LinkedIn. And saw me. And without knowing it, something started. Out of her control.
To be me!
The iconizers! Santa Cruz is full of icons. Santa Cruz is an icon. It’s even a logo! Santa Cruz itself is an icon. So it attracts people who iconize things. That’s the scene. It’s an unintegrated mind.