Your heart has always seemed the best.
But if you need any help with walls, forgiveness, or understanding, here is something to try:
Find a man. Almost any will do. Buy him coffee and cookies or something.
And talk to him for two hours. Listen for the grief. When you hear it, ask about it. Caring curiosity. You can find it by asking about living situation, how long have they lived here, where do they come from, which leads to is that where your parents lives, then naturally questions about parents, siblings, work. Did you move here to get away from … eventually you’ll find some bit of grief. You have to keep going until they break down and cry. Everyone has something. If you do it right they won’t even question you. If they do, you’re just curious about why people move “here”. Or you noticed they looked sad and were curious why.
Do it! You must. You’ll understand.
You have to go there with them. Feel it. It only works if it makes you cry to. If you aren’t, then you have some serious walls to look at. And you have to look at that and try again. You have to be able to see them cry, and be there to within yourself, separately. And keep looking at them caringly. And then get space away.
Two hours. I’ll pay you.
Or just go through life until you hear the grief and ask about it. But I think it must be a man.
And it has to be two hours. It will be uncomfortable and awkward. But you must just sit there as long as it takes. And sit until they have found resolution. You can help them find resolution. If you listen long enough. You have to listen to their exact wording and then repeat a certain word and ask if they can tell you more about it.
Trust. Grief. Shame. Sad. Miss. Hate. Etc.
“I hate the coffee there”. Oh, you hate the coffee? Why is that? Well, blah blah blah someone blah blah blah. Oh someone? Tell me more about someone.
My pride keeps getting in the way. It’s disgusting!! All I can do is pray. Take my self pride away. I don’t know what else to do! Keep making real connections I guess.
Pray about it. Go to the probation department. Wait out front. People will come and go. Find a man with a restraining order. Ask. Do you have a restraining order? Just say it. I need to talk to a man with a restraining order to understand something. Then offer to buy him coffee and that you want to hear his story. Do it!!! He’ll likely have Tina or complaints and excuses. Lead him to the real hard truths. If you ask the rig questions he’ll get himself there. You have to see him admit his truth and grief.
You could bring someone too!
I think grief isn’t isolated. It’s a spiritual thing. So the only way up is I’m community.
If you talk to someone and they say that’s dangerous or blah blah blah, look at their fat belly and tell them to keep their head shoved up their ass. I don’t know how else to explain that.
You can have faith in the heart. It’s true! If something is hard about it, you need to talk to someone else about it. It’s a whole circle. It’s really cool.
But when the circle stops, shit happens!!!
Pay attention to boundaries. You can use the word. And clarity. The truth always wins. Keep your frontal cortex engaged. Don’t get sucked in to self deception or disassociation.
Name the emotional reality.
Why are you here?
Ok, do you need help golfing or something?
Ok, do you need help checking out the groceries?
I think there some sarcasm here. But this is how I will approach the world today. If a stranger approaches me. Why are you here? Can I help you do that?