What does the mourning bring?

Eager to wake up and check the stock market opening prices. Everything dipped last week and ended pretty bad on Friday. I might be able to buy so,e things on margin in the morning if it looks like it turns around a little bit. I could make a few hundred dollars. If it doesn’t go up then I will have done my part to fuel the market. I think it’s good to spend when the economy or market are doing poorly. If I take a loss I know I’ll make it back up soon enough!

Keeping it real

I honestly don’t know what just happened. Everything was good. I read a story in my book about jerks and it got me really fired up. So then I posted on my Facebook account about my childhood. I don’t want to share things like that because I don’t want anyone else to bear the weight of it. But I can’t carry all that anymore. It’s the truth, just like I ride my bicycle or my parents did good things for me when I was kid which were fun and useful. But I am moving forwards! And that means letting go of the past. And I have to get it out there, publicly, for some reason. I also saw a picture of my dad with a little girl and that really got me going. It is strange because some people at church seem to blame me as if I am doing something bad to them. It seems so backwards to me! Why would we not talk about it? It’s so real and so prevalent. But everyone wants to snuff it. I don’t understand. I am feeling much different after really getting down to it. Things are a lot more peaceful and simpler and easier. My worries and perfectionism are much easier. I’m more just immersed and having fun with myself and my life and the places I fit in!!

The truth

In the last few years I have been backed into this horrible corner by my mom and sister and have had no way out except to completely rid my life of them, but I refuse to do that. So instead I am living within their lies and that feels horrible! It’s called a double bind and it is the root of schizophrenia. They’re black mailing me. And I think someone else is too. The trouble with black mail is if you’re already vulnerable, you start to believe you actually did something wrong. To be clear, I am talking about felonies, which I did not do. Someone else may have. So, I need other relationships that I can depend on and get care from. His is the source of most of my intentions. I also read this excerpt in this book about jerks. It’s very interesting, and at the least explains me a little. I have severe problems from both of my parents, which I didn’t know I had. It’s not their fault. Below explains one more subtle symptom, especially regarding the idea of marriage! The truth is if someone gave me their hand as a partner it would be the most amazing thing anyone could ever give me. Above family, children, houses, boats, trucks, anything! Even biking!

I think everything is OK

Oh my goodness you don’t know how much time I spend trying to convince people that it’s OK. Just do your work! That’s all they need to do. It s a big project, and you just have to start. And convincing people that they don’t need me. Ugh I am so tired of people needing validation from me! Hmm I think that explains a lot. Anyway, things are OK with me! Lately it has felt a little gnarly, but hey go big or go home. I had an epic dream I was surfing double overhead at steamers Kane and a wave washed me back into the point and I just braced and then pushed off the cliff over the wave. It was great. It was a paddling race to Davenport. I think I won too! Then North Korea bombed us but I was so prepared I got on my awd wagon and went around picking up family members and we headed for the hills. Haha!

Oh man and my house! Job? Who cares! This house is really coming together!! Wowwww. Finally. But I think I have too much now. I have a killer lot, a killer car, now two killer. Ike’s, killer skis, and a killer driveway, and I’m really happy too!! I might have to get a junker car so I don’t stand out TOO much.

She was just so feminine. But authentically feminine. It superficially. It was unique.

Negotiations

I have entered friendly negotiations with my neighbor regarding our property line. His tenant wanted a fence, and we discussed where it would go, and I said I knew that the line is further to his side. So he got a survey. The line was 6″ further to his side. But in the back, it’s three feet to my side at one corner, and three feet t his side at another corner. Where it meets my house it only leave 24″ of clearance to get into my side yard. So I asked if we could move the line to match the fences. It would be an equal trade of square footage. He said yes, but only if I give him that 6″ in front. That would add to the area I give him, so I said no. So he tho7ht it over and Said, no, I don’t want to move the line. He suggested we rebuild the fences on the line and asked if I would help pay for it and if his shed eave could hang over the line. So now I said no, I’m not laying to move the fence, and your eaves can’t overhang. You have every right to build your own fence on the line you now know exists, but please help me understand why you don’t want to move the line, what would make it worth your while to move the line, and please get back to me as I am curious what your response is and appreciate that we have been able to have this discussion. And it would be great to meet your wife and the rest of your family.

The key issue for me I have enjoyed his company and want to continue talking to him no matter what. So I have to respect his final decision no matter what. But it is hard because if he chooses to stay with the lot line, it puts a great burden on me. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t accommodate me, and I am willing to pay for the cost of adjusting the lot description and for the survey.

The truth

I’m bogged down!!! I think I have needed a mental break in the last year. So I have chosen to be less assertive and defining. And it is taking its toll. People are degrading me massively. I’ll show up somewhere to help and they just start assuming things and accusing me and all of this stuff! And there are a few people who won’t forgive me for saying something that I thought would help. And it’s so hard to feel Unforgiven. It’s like this thing is keeping me from clarity and from directing others towards clarity. I’m dumbed down right now. I think I’ve grown so much that very few people relate with the same comfort that I do. And I’m being bogged down by people around me. Come on people! Let’s get to the bottom of it! Like I need to have a ten minute explanation session with a few neighbors so they understand me. They act like they don’t trust me. Who are you? I’ve been living here. Why do I have to prove to you that I am trustworthy? That’s how I feel. I was trustworthy before you moved in. I don’t have to prove anything to you. And I feel like I’ve left my blog behind. That’s what it is. I abandoned my blog. But who reads this anyway? It doesn’t make any sense. This is so frustrating.

I tire I abindined my blog and went crazyt’s

I made it

I don’t know what exactly happened to me in the last few years. Something happened. And man it has definitely hurt. It’s funny because I prayed, honestly, for my death, if it would give someone else what I have been given. It’s like I’m invincible. Sure I get hurt and slow down, but nothing takes away my joy. It s amazing.

So I went sailing but it didn’t work out. I showed my friend how to rig the boat and then we decided not to sail and de rigged it.

But I’m feeling slightly back to normal. It started on Friday. And it’s good.

Then today I was thinking about my last days at bell. I was on top of the world. And I had an awesome bike. I had it all. Then that bike was stolen. And I was just thinking today, it would be so nice to have that bike back. I had found a good one on Craigslist already. I went and looked at it closer today. It’s my old bike!! I couldn’t be happier. And the guy think he can get a refund from the seller and I can get it for a really low price since it was stolen!!! What I’m earth?

Moral of the story: Do whatever it takes to keep a good thing

the hardest part of the last few years is it’s like I lost traction. Like I can’t get anywhere. But I’ve always known, in sand, just keep looking forward and pedaling. There’s always a point where your sweat is blinding, your eyes can hardly focus past ten feet, your body is pushing maximum and you can’t really feel it anymore, but it’s one pedal at a time for however long until you get through it. Yup.

I had to think I was a part of it

Or atleast I was looking for meaning in what had happened with me. Because the whole time I felt like what I was doing was for a reason. For one I had hoped for years that someone would put an end to all the subtle ways sexuality pervades television. Mostly because it mislead my own thoughts against what I knew was right. So, I found myself harassing her. There was nothing physical. Not even threatening. Not even requesting anything more than dinner at the shadow brook restaurant. But something told me to push it a little. So I did. I gave her a lot of little reasons to prosecute me. I suppose the big one was that she had told me she wasn’t comfortable with me continuing to ask her out because she was in a serious relationship. That one really got me. My entire life had been massively uncomfortable and here she was saying it was illegal for someone to be uncomfortable. Oh it really made me mad. But that is besides the point and there are a lot of fruitful conversations to be had about that. So, she prosecuted me. And it hurt. But something told me to just take it. Don’t resist. Just be who you are and pay the fines. But something told me it wasn’t enough. So when I did run into her, I stood my ground a little. No deliberate violations. I just stood my ground. So her and her entire legal team prosecuted me more. And I would think, ok I am not dumb, I am doing this for a reason. Everyone thought it was because I was this obsessed monster. And if you’ve ever seen her you can understand the obsession, but that wasn’t what it was. I was a 30 year highly functioning man. There was another reason. And if I did have a part in encouraging the wake of sexual harassment prosecutions that have been occurring lately, it was this. I told everyone and I told everyone that she was right. Because she was! I knew what she would do. And I still did it. And if it did give others the courage to make that phone call,file that paper, or write that story, then it was definitely worth it. Not to see grown men suffer. But to see accountability to our moral standards. Especially, for me!

Most extremely epic days ever

Thursday I worked wi5 the horses at camp loarc. Then I watched a movie I liked when I was a kid. And made killer pancakes. Yesterday. Oh boy. I woke up. I topped off my transmission fluid. Rode my bike to the parts store. And got a cookie. And went to goodwill to replace my broken glass mug. Then another epic night ride at Ucsc. Took it slow but still made good time. Oh I stubbed my toe. It popped. I think that was the nail popping off. Not sure but the nail feels horrible now. Then went to church. Then to the symphony! Free rehearsal at the civic. Hello! Then I had tea. Ohhh I love tea. Today I’m going to clean my house. I like cleaning my house.