Integration

I realized what I was doing with my house. For one, I was tearing down walls. But two, it was an expression of my integration. It was compartmentalizations like most houses. It was a fairly large open plan, with everything just kind of in there. Normally there’s a laundry room, a kitchen, storage, etc, each in its own room. And you go to one, work there, forget everything else, then go to the next room and do your stuff there. That works great especially in a manufacturing environment or when you’re preparing for a world war. But this is my house. So you’ve got a couch, a stove, the washing machine machine, a stereo, all together. There all important parts of an entire life.

If a man says something in a Forrest,

He said, and no women are around, is he still wrong? I thought for four minutes, and came up with the most profound answer. Some might call it sexist, but they are thinking too simply. If a woman says something and nobody cares, does she still exist? It doesn’t mean I don’t care. I do. But it touches on a fundamental need of women. One they’ve fought years for. Legal battles. Riots. I think fulfilling this need would bring a lot understanding.

The plan

Was to have the couch in the kitchen. This set the couch back further in the house for more privacy. And a better vantage point. Most of my time is spent on the couch. And you can watch the water boil. And it promotes maxing and relaxing. It’s like super casual. Cook. Rest. They aren’t separate. You can chill in the kitchen. It’s amazing.

Bunny flew

Into the air, ears flopping, doing a sideways flip, into the landfill. I got rid of him and the cactus planter she made me. They both meant a lot. But they needed to go. They were a mental strain to me. A burden. I will dearly miss bunny and amber asking me how he is. But it wasn’t right. Was she just flirting with me? I don’t know. I’m just navigating the world one conversation at a time.

I wondered if she was cursed. And bunny got the curse. Or she uses magic and had done something to him. We were driving down the road one day and she said dark magic. I said what?! Then she got scared and wouldn’t answer my questions. Maybe she is afraid of dark magic. Something is not right with her and it’s so hard to tell if it’s her, or something else. I always end up deciding it isn’t her. Not her fault. She was an innocent little girl at one point. And I was an innocent little boy.

My house and yard feel better now. She said she might need a place to stay if she needs space from her mom and boyfriend. I feel like I have to accommodate if she can verbalize her needs like that. I am praying about it.

My house might actually be pretty nice. Every time I tear open the walls and get them all cleaned up, I want to leave them open. Cabin style. It’s so cool. And so so cold. So drywall will go back on. It’s good to open the walls once every 50 years. Just to get the spider webs out. And now I can put an outlet in that one spot. I moved the furniture into the layout I planned…. and it’s pretty cool. It feels really cozy. That’s what I was going for. Cozy. Minus the fireplace.

Worms

Maybe I need to let go of some people… those sort of worms that get into your head. It’s not their fault. But it isn’t healthy. They kind of follow you around, feeding off your good choices. And before you know it, all you can think about is their neurotic criticisms of you and it keeps you from doing the things that are healthy and you start over eating and not sleeping. All their imbecilic brain can see is the fleeting moment. They can’t process the entire history of the last five years that you’ve just worked hard, sober, and wisely. Gently creating amazing works and supporting everyone around you with sound and just works. Slowly building something concrete and real. But they can’t see it. All they can see is the flashing neuroticism in their head that says, nothing is more important than what I think right now!

The walls can speak

I tore into my house walls, and I can see how it was built. And you can tell they rushed it a bit. And that to me means they were probably trying to get it all together fast so they could come party in their summer beach house in 1950. I don’t know the real story. But that’s the impression that I get. And it’s kind of weird. So I’m putting it back together with love.

Trapped

Ahhh! Things happen and it’s like I regress in to the brutish mentality. Like the old cabin classic kind of took me back a few years. I am refined. I am clean. I am smart. I am not a non verbal animal. I can express hints. I am not that great. I am a son of God and a god calls for love, patience, humility, and wisdom. I pushed myself really hard in the race and it brought out a sort of animal. Which is fine but I need to be wise!!

Something is off with my teddy bear. It’s like there’s a spell on it. It looks alive to me. And it eyes look like holes into another universe. I think that is what amber saw. It’s freaking me out. I’m going to get rid of it. I need to engage with people! And so does she!

I am also surrounded by this sort of brutish attitude in my neighborhood. Maybe it’s because it’s spring. I don’t want any part of it. Maybe I could vocalize and name some things for people around me. I am sober. And sober minded. And progress minded. Stay on the edge. Clear out the junk! I need to get rid of some books. I am progressing. A lot of people and writers want to stay in this sort of dumbed down peace. I want smart peace! And clean peace! And letting go of junk!!! I’m headed to the dump. I’m almost there. House is almost done. Added a few projects… but it’s ok. What happens then? I don’t know. But it will be something amazing. And smart. And planned. And wise.

I could just imagine … what if she did like me? And we kissed after five years? I am pretty sure there would be an earthquake.

Getting after it

I sat around trying to decide if I should put insulation in the front walls of my house. But what if I redid the whole framing to add a second story later? Redoing anything now would be a waste of time. But I got tired of thinking about it and just did it. This house. I don’t know what my purpose is with it. Just bring it up a little. Then get an awesome and amazing job.

I tried to fulfill my last promise to amber today. One last phone deductible. The worst part is that I really enjoy spending time with her. But I am resolutely opposed to just about everything about her. Trying to just get the phone number was a full day job. I still don’t have any definite information from the mos tbizarre thing in the world. I’m paying for your phone. Just give me the details. Wouldn’t you rush to give me the details if I’m paying for it? It no. Everything is on her time that seems to coordinate with some mental merge with her conscientiousness or presence or whatever that word is. Mindfulness. I think she’s trying to be mindful. All the while I’m waiting just to get a phone number so I can pay for her lost phone that obviously she wasn’t being very mindful about. But then I see my teddy bear and remember how fragile she is and how fragile life is and how desperate she was… someone gave her an infant bed that she put in her car and that was her home. I got a used mattress that turned out to be a stinky mess and she cuddled up with my teddy bear in it and loved me for getting it for her. She pints at teddy and says see his hole? And I have no idea what she’s seeing. Is this some stupid spell she puts on stupid naive men? She knows how to get what she wants. She is highly manipulative. She finds a guy and then downtalks the last guy she used and so it pumps them up.

But I have atleast held her to reality and seen her process some wounds. Which is progress. Before I found her I did want to try to commit to one homeless person. Each one reach one. I can’t save the world but I can make difference for one person. And she was the only one that would follow me home. But maybe she found me. Maybe she was looking for a victim. Maybe it was all setup by her. I don’t know. The best I know is she is severely suffering and I have pushed her to process quite a few things around her dad, a previous relationship, and her childhood. And she can now acknowledge that the other people she runs with are still being chased by drones, but she is not. And I beleive she is telling the truth.

She said she’s only giving her mom 25 of the 40 I have her. Atleast she is being honest.

it’s like marriage. You just have to commit to one person. And there’s going to be problems. And everything is going to change. But i hear it is the most amazing thing worth living for. Is that the meaning of life then?

I Have absolutely never Heard anyone say that is the answer to the big question. But it seems so obvious now that I’ve considered it.

Epic moment

I had the most epic moment of my life at the race. I was flying down the fire road and came to the bottom where there was this epic hairpin turn that went back uphill. And they had all these hay bales set up and there were two guys standing there flagging people to slow down and I looked at them and looked at the turn and said yeah right. So I’m dodging hay bales and my bikes skipping all over the place and at the last minute I brake hard and controlled, come sliding into the turn, and people are screaming yeah cross bike yeah cross bike, I dig in hard through the turn, both wheels sliding on the gravel, almost make it without putting a foot down, one guys yelling yeah yeah woooooo until my foot went down and he said ahhhh! Then a woman says wow, that is a truly good mountain biker, then I take off in a Sprint after the guy ahead of me and another lady screams yeah and that’s all I remember. It was so awesome. I am a very fast and controlled rider. Not pro but fast and controlled. It was so awesome. It was like we were all riding it together and I made it for everyone. I swear one lady yelled go Kyle but I couldn’t see her. I was too focused on the guy ahead of me. He passed me on the last uphill and I really wanted to get him. I passed him on the next up hill, but then when I dropped my chain he passed me. We were like heck and neck the whole way. But this lady, it caught me by surprise. And I looked up and yelled yeah! But I didn’t see anyone I recognized. I thought maybe it was someone from bell. But who would have recognized me so easily? it made me feel so good though that someone said my name!

Oh yeah so then there was this deep sandy right hand turn right after the tunnel and the guy in front of me got scared and Locke dit up and came to a complete stop. So I had to stop so I roll up to him with my back tire way in the air doing a stoppie for like 10 feet. And the guy behind me starts yelling that was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! Oh my god you’re so awesome. Then going down old cabin I flew past one guy on the side, then someone was right behind me and I flew through these five s turns bike sideways and both tires sliding, going fast, and the guy behind me starts yelling. What? That’s was amazing. Wow I have never seen anything like that. You are incredible. I wish I had my camera! Hahaha! Then on twin oaks this guy comes up behind me and is like, I can’t believe you’re riding this. That is awesome. Haha!

there was something about that hairpin turn though where everyone was cheering. It just felt good. I was so grateful for everyone cheering.