Staying amazing and ob syndrome

There’s this culture that wants me to just be ok and not see how amazing 5e world is. That’s called stagnation. We need to keep going forwards! Maybe it means making a change. Letting go of something. Cleaning the bathtub. Something!

I have older brother syndrome. I have to be in younger people’s lives. My sister doesn’t want to talk and it’s driving m crazy. But I need to be helping someone! On one hand, it’s good. She has a good boyfriend and they really like each other. So I think she is trying to focus on him. Which is what I hope for her anyway. But now I have his younger sibling hole.

A good day

Well. Things got deep this month. Ouch. Oh man. It hurt. I can barely move. But I did go surfing. It was good. I didn’t plan on catching any waves. Bu I did. I couldn’t pass one up. It’s like when someone shows interest in me. I use it as a platform to encourage growth for me and them. I’ve given up on everything. And I encourage others to process their emotions so they can give it all up too. So I figure if someone likes me, they like something about me. And by conversing with them, I can lead them to what they’re actually looking for. Because it probably isn’t about me. It’s about fulfillment.

I have worked my life into such an awesome cozy spot. I have zero worries. I don’t lock my house. Or my car. When I surf I just leave my keys in a good spot. Often on the rocks. Everything I do people get paranoid. And it’s like, it’s you! I’m not worried about it. Because I’m confident and I’ve faced myself. If you’re worried about it, it’s you! For example, some people get irked when I don’t lock my house door. And I have to realize, you’re e only one worried… shouldn’t I then be worried about you?!

Anyway! The surf today was fun. No animals. Clean water. Decent head highs waves a few times. I couldn’t get enough speed to get all the way through the wave. I’m not a very good surfer and my board is decrepit. But it was fun. When it closed out, I flew into the air a few times. Once I got enough height to swan dive. It was really cool. Some of the guys were really competitive about getting there waves. I’m weak right now so I just got out of their way. Then this kid was stuck on the inside and he started telling me the whole story of his day. Naturally I listened because I have the time to listen. Soon enough crazy dad comes over and yells at him. I want out of this town so badly. Everyone is crazy. I just go surf, leave my door open, leave my keys somewhere, and a, courteous, patient, and have fun. This creates a lot of friction for me.

I feel like I’m surrounded and corners by people who are worried and and angry and insecure. And I’m like, I’ve got a billion dollars in my back pocket. You can’t even upset me.

The plan

I should have stuck to the plan. Finish my remodel. See if Stacey calls in August. And write in my blog. It was simple enough. But of course I had to complicate it and try to save everyone in the process. Atleast I’m still alive. I still haven’t broken a bone. Sort of. And I can still paddle! I paddled from the lane to cowbells stairway and back tonight. It was great. Not in the dark. That would be great too. It’s like a mini vacation. You depart. And slowly travel to the next spot. And then get there. And there’s sights along the way. The. You hang out at cowbells for a bit. Then go back. Going back is always faster. It was really fun. There was seaweed, and ducks, and stalactites, and rocks, and some small waves. My paddling was pretty good. I have never been in surfing shape. But I can paddle pretty well when I need to. For me it’s all about a straight, streamlined body. And not so much floating on the board, but rather swimming with a board under me. When I go out on bigger days, I am never in shape. But like biking, I just remind myself to keep paddling. Sometimes it takes me an hour to get out. But I don’t stop paddling. If I am tired, I slow down, but keep paddling. And I always make it out. That’s like my life. Constantly paddling. I a,ways wonder if I should be wiser about the situations I get into. I would say definitely yes.

Praying with strangers? I think that’s great. And it’s my cup of tea. That’s all I do anyway. Pray. But most of my other choices? Possibly questionable. Well see.

My earliest memory

I found this epic Christian book on memory analysis. They say understanding your earliest memories help make sense of problems in life now. My earliest memory? I was a figure. I made myself into a figure in my own head. It was a Coping mechanism. I even had a pretend coach and announcers talking to the figure. I imagined everyone cheering for me. Hahaha! It didn’t matter what happened exactly or what type of figure I was, I was just this public figure if some kind. And in some ways, a mechanical projection.

I can’t stand stagnation

And it’s piling up on me. All these loose ends with people. Conversations that need to be had.

Hey you said this to me, I was wondering, what did you mean?

Hi you are acting this way, I was wondering, am I doing something you don’t like?

And it’s Father’s Day. To call or not to call. Obviously to call! But I don’t want to. So I get all shut down. So I called. Number doesn’t work anymore. Matter settled! Move forwards! Yay!

Backwash

I slower down today and paddled around for an hour before working. It is so frustrating because a year ago when I started my great job, I had so much energy and was pogoing all over the place. But lately I have been devastatingly slow. And my knee is hurt. I broke my toe before. Then my knee got hurt. It’s like I hate myself. So I have been pushing the people out of my life that make me feel that way. It feels great. They can wallow in their own problems. The paddle was so good. My body loves it. I’m getting fat in my belly area. Too many pancakes. I paddled pretty well. I have never been in great paddlin shape. It like the really good guys. But I love to paddle, duck dive, and then find a rock to check out the critters. And get washed around by the backwash. It’s neat because the swell and current will bring you way in, and then way out, especially if you find a cool little valley.

You can’t prove it

What is most important, is that anything close to what I described happened, that everyone understand that it’s ok now, and it’s ok to talk about it. It really is. And that there is love. And the hurt can be replaced with what should be there, care. That’s what is most important.

Be careful what you pray for

I wanted to really engage with my city. My home town. And wow. Let’s just say it’s been engaging.

I meet people and I can help them so I do. Then I find myself praying for them. And every time, I realize, it’s me. I can answer my prayer! But it’s devastatingly hard.

The hardest thing to do is set a serious boundary. But sometimes that’s a meaningful answer to my prayer for someone. I wish they could find contentment. And you sort of have to force them to do it on their own sometimes.

Next is answer the phone when you really don’t want to. I always pray please please give me the right words. Next is have the conversation you don’t want to. Ohhhh. Challenge someone. It’s like facing a lion. Or a wolf.

It’s all about that language

I figured it out. It doesn’t take me long to figure things out. I used to have this one so well down, but I got tired of doing it. People will respect you if you speak their language. But it’s tiring constantly switching languages. I used to be really good at it. And some people noticed and would call me a shape shifter. It’s body language, vocabulary, slang, and speech patterns. As a kid I adopted a strategy of mimicking others language to fit in so I would be accepted. I noticed it in the last week with a few people I just had a lot of friction with. I was adamant about speaking my language, and these are people that won’t respect or really even consider people who don’t speak their language. I try to respect and consider people who don’t speak my language, but when someone doesn’t speak my language, hearing them is like scratching in my ears and everything inside says ewwwwww. Anyone who says bro, dude, uses slang, and doesn’t use higher level vocabulary, just irks me when they talk. I just want them to stop. It feels disrespectful to me. Language is the leader of the mind, and I want a clean, educated, resourceful mind. Nothing that isn’t fruitful or productive.

My language has become soft, listening, gentle, and warm. Most people do not speak that language. Many don’t even know they have a language. Their just stuck reacting, stuck in the language they were taught. They don’t even see what’s around them. Completely out of touch.

I used to want to be accepted by everyone. I tried hard. And it worked. Nowadays, I’m wiser. I don’t need everyone to accept me. I have found acceptance from God.

The plight of the social mediaist

You could make the most amazing social media campaign but then in three days everyone will have forgotten and be expecting more. What I do is leave the project for a day, meditate by focusing on not thinking about anything for an hour, get lost on a book for an hour, do a stream of consciousness writing for an hour and write everything that comes to mind about anything, then ride a bike hard for an hour. Then review my previous work with a fresh mind to see my blind spots. See through myself. What was I focused on? What are the deeper messages I am subconsciously portraying? Do I want to change those? What do I want to portray? Then talk to myself and ask if I can portray what I want to portray. Am I seeing the big picture?