A hard ride

Ewwwww interesting ride yesterday. Felt slow. Very slow. Came down Zane grey really fast. Got a front flat. Some Little Rock had released and rolled down to the bottom of a little hill and I came righ in to it. Something inside of me actually wants to just destroy those little wheels on my cyclecross. So I wasn’t riding that carefully. I was going pretty fast. The old cabin classic… I hope I can still sign up. Anyway, walked down. Saw the bobcat again. Took a video with my go pro. Then found someone wi5 a tube. My iPad is deliberately horrible at typing. Then put the tube on and did it again. Got a rear flat. Walked down. Was walking down the highway when a tourist got lost and pulled over. Asked me some questions. Then they gave me a ride home! Ohh nothing felt good about yesterday. And my knees hurt. Ugh I feel like I’m surrounded by molasses. Like the world is now healing and grieving and the whole country is just in dismay. And I’m like, hey guys I’ve been here 5is whole time! Why does my iPad think th is 5??? It keeps doing that. And now it thinks that’s the preferred spelling. Anyway. I need to be more assertive of who i am. I don’t want t9 be mr dumb go along wi5 all the dumb people who won’t get moving! Ohhhh. Let’s go?! Run! Bike! Build! Draw! Read! Stay active in the head you wackos! This isn’t over! This is not the end!!!

I was tempted to blame her

It in fact it had nothin to do with her and certainly was not her fault. I just crashed again majorly. I am so on top of things that I kept doing my work and my life continued, but internally it was. A massive struggle. I barely slept. I overate and out on a few pounds. I seriously brake checked quite a few people who were tail gating me. It seems like people love to push right when someone needs to go slow. And brake checks are perfectly legal and perfectly acceptable to me. I give people room. No one brake checks me. I just slam them on and almost come to a stop. If you’re going to drive you better be alert. And I can get out of the way if I really need to. Anyway! Ohhh but it hurt. It felt like I was dying. Everyone hated me. I had no one to go to and no where to go. That’s what it felt like. Luckily I did have people to go to. Oh I did yell at amber. Those were the times I was forcing her out of my house. I think that was a little over board. So what happened? It was definitely my deepest most subtle hurts. Ohhhh it hurt. And it takes so long to surface, then gather trust, then release, then process. Everything has changed again. I can’t believe I even got the opportunity to really heal. It is so hard and painful and slow. But it must be done. I don’t know how my life has afforded this. I did sell my sailboat so I could afford therapy. I would definitely rather still have it be doing epic night runs on the bay with friends. Ohhh man. I still have a design for a 30 foot surf board with a giant racing mast and a tent on it. But the therapy is good. It cost me my job in a way. I needed a serious leave of absence. I just couldn’t ask for it. But I think the heart and soul are a good investment for the future. It’s just so difficult to realize, how many people around me have had this peace the whole time. That almost makes it seem nit even worth it to keep going. Like I I did all of that and had all that trouble just to have what you’ve already had the whole time? And it certainly wasn’t my fault. It feels like, I don’t even want it if it took that much work and you already had it!!! Like working your whole life to own a house just to realize your neighbor got theirs for free. That’s why I put manual labor into mine. Because I know the neighbors are paying more than me. I want to work hard too! It must be done.

Inspection two

It went pretty well. He came in and looked at the plumbing and I knew what he was thinking. This is the best plumbing I have ever seen in my life. And I was 5inking, I know, I’m the most awesome person in the world. He said this looks good I don’t need to see all of it. Now all of a sudden I am feeling pretty good and on top of the world. As long as I don’t have to talk to anyone.

It was a perfect night

For a night ride. Oh wow. But I went to a paddle out in remembrance today of Jesus. A lot of focus is often put on how bad the people were that killed him, and that doesn’t make any sense to me. My focus is that if he is who he said he was, and it is a fact that he lived and was killed, then God is real and I am free from being a scumbag. And I think all of that is a lot subtler than I have always been taught. God created everything, and it isn’t that big of a deal to him, it just is. It is what it is. He is. Not that big of a deal if it is real. He just is. That’s what he said. I am. And the crucifixion, it just happened. And if you choose him, he will set you free. In the beginning was the word. That was him. The truth will set you free. He was the truth. It’s almost too utterly simple to explain so he had to use parables and all these other weird ways of saying things. It isn’t that complicated. He said abide in my word, and you will know. This is a knowledge that comes from action, there might not be words for it! Does it make sense yet?! Yes, no?

It’s like you have to forget everything you know, let go of everything, sell everything, give all your money to the poor, forget what the word Jesus means to you, forget what you think he looks like, forget your family, forget your parents, leave everything behind, forget everything about “Jesus”, and get to know the real person by abiding in him for real. Not a caricature. Not an idea. Not something you were taught.

AND NOT A CULTURE.

But you’re experience of him for real and the experience of abiding in him. And that means finding a love inside for anyone. No matter what. And for the simple minded, yes that includes Hitler, your beloved stereotype of evil. And white supremacists. Because you actually aren’t any better. From my point of view. For me it’s huge! And I have soooo far to go. But it’s amazing to see what happens. What he said does have power, it just is not at all how I imagined it.

The problem

You fix a few things, and now the little problems with everything else become apparent. And it’s this never ending cycle of improving this, improving that, improving this again. And on and on. I spent three days redoing the laundry plumbing because I didn’t like how it was. And I didn’t want to run the vent straight out the roof, so that took a few hours figuring out how to run it under the roof and over. And I took a horse riding lesson and a swing lesson. I suppose I should have taken a sailing lesson way back when. But I knew everything. It was just that when the rudder broke I forgot I had made a spare rudder. Oh that one really killed my ego. Today I took it easy. Cleaned out Ambers car. I have a need to take care of people. Yesterday I rode to Ben Lomond with James. It was amazing. There were so many epic spots. An overlook. The river. Roaring camp. Felton and all the people out strolling. Quail hollow. Fresh oranges off the tree. Oh it was good. That’s a ride for real. Today I did my laundry. It was frantic because all my shirts were dirty and I need my laundry!!! It took a week to finish all that! I don’t know why. Extremely painful therapy session today. Definitely bogged me down for the last week. Everything takes time. But my house. If I had just started from scratch. Lesson learned. The future is now! What does it hold? I’m excited to see! Who knows! Anything is possible! I’mpossible!

Slow day

Today was molasses! I didn’t get anything done!all I want to do is get my subfloor back in and the heater working! But now I want to do the laundry a little differently and on and on and on. This is crazy! But this is it so I really want to do it well. It’s like I’ve grown a lot again and now I’m looking at myself like, what? What did you do for the last six months? After all that there should be a second story and a whole lot more on this house! But I needed time. It’s like this hole forgotten childhood is coming back. The wonder years. Camping trips. Friends. Birthdays. Teachers. Biking. Parks. And simultaneously I keep renewing myself so everything I once heard dear is different. Like I was once in a.p groove and now all of those things are different. I’m almost neurotic. I feel like I can’t get traction!!!

I remember she said she wanted to go to the tracks. The people there were her preferred friends. I was horrified and angry. I had just spent a lot getting her to health and she wanted to go hang out with the lazy, addicted addicts at the tracks?! What? But I could understand. They were warm and mostly gentle people who didn’t have anything to prove. They just stuck to the themselves. I found her originally pedaling around on a too small bike, with her hood on. That’s what she wanted to be. Half four year old, half teenager, grungy and lost. That’s how she felt inside obviously. It was really cute. She was really expressive of how she felt. I guess I can’t change her. It just didn’t seem right for someone who was so vulnerable to be sleeping in the woods. She was really resourceful. Always finding little trinkets and making things out of them. I always wondered what they thought or what they saw. Especially in their things. Because they were always putting things together in this way that was odd but seemed to have meaning to them. The usually stick propping out, some metallic object weaved around something else. I think it’s a spiritual thing to them. They think they are fighting these spirits. It’s so sad and helpless. It’s infuriating.

Did she consider me?

I had to wonder if if she ever considered me. I was just some loser living in a run down bungalow with no heating who happened to see her wandering into the forest as I was returning from my epic night bike ride, and offered her a room to stay in with an electric radiator. The problem was that the only reason I had extra to give was because all I did was work, I didn’t know how to be a friend for real. To me being a friend meant giving something, or listening, or pushing people to work themselves. And yes she clearly does not have a job, but I didn’t trust her. I could have. I easily could have looked past the accusation she made and chosen to beat it with care. Instead I was trigger happy. Just waiting to kick her out almost! Was that why I invited her in the first place? Or anyone else? But I had rules. No drugs. And it seemed like she was on drugs. And I had seen a meth pipe. Was it just meth? Is it that simple? But she seemed mostly believable when she said it wasn’t. But I also knew that if anyone had done it a few times, they were either addicted or a recovered addict. And she was not a recovered addict. She hadn’t even taken the first step. And she may never. So how far are you willing to go to keep someone from hurting themselves? For me, it was a female to male allegation that reminded me of courts, sheriffs, and sentences. But that was just her language. I don’t think she would actually talk to the police. But if she did, there was no proof either way. And she had yelled it out in the middle of the night. You put your hands on me! I can’t deal with that. But now who knows where she, someone’s beloved daughter, is sleeping. That’s how I saw it. This was another mans cherished angel! I could tell amidst her wounds she had been loved. I wanted to help more for him then even for her!

Every time it rains

At night all I can think about is what she is doing! I know tons of homeless and they all make tents and things and find cover. But her brain inside was so haywire that I worried. She might be just be lying in the Forrest somewhere. She always had a cold when she arrived. It was better by the time she left. She used to be a completely normal person. I was such an idiot when I first met her I wanted to blame her situation on her world views. That doesn’t matter! What matters is proper nutrition and a dry place to sleep! Even if she acted utterly absurd, she took care of things everywhere she went. Plants. Animals. My teddy bear. It really touched me that she took care of my teddy bear! Ohhhh I can’t stand this! It’s like something has taken a person and has them in its grip and is pure evil. I am pretty sure, the impression I get, is that someone actually sucked her into this. She didn’t want it. And now she can’t escape. Is this all a metaphor for me? Is there a part of me that feels like that too? She really cherished things. Like some string peas she left in my fridge. I was in such a dizzy trying to get my house framed that I didn’t care about string peas! But I had them today. They’re very full of life. Slightly translucent. Crunchy. Moist. Rich.

I prayed that I could take her pain away. It was so much pain! That if I could suffer for her that it would give her strength. I’ve prayed this about a lot of people. Maybe that is why I was so down today. It was like my mind was boggled. I don’t know why I prayed that except that I grew through so much pain, and then I had my good time. I had my boat and it was epic. Those couple of years leading up to getting hired at intuitive surgical were just amazing. And then I chose to give things up! Like the boat. So others could enjoy those things! And that’s a good thing! I got my growth. And I grew! And I have my strength! And now I’m taking dance classes and riding horses! But I saw her pain. Nobody deserves that. And I would forfeit my Life to have that taken away!

A bigger picture

Well I’ve been paying to see myself better. And it Ouse isn’t so spectacular anymore. Nor does t matter as much anymore. What matters is that I have a heart. That I cherish life and cherish strong peas. That I take the vigor and excitement I have about sailing and apply that to everything. And… everyone. But I hate people. They hurt me badly. I’m not as great as I used to think I am. But I love to run. And I love to bike. And my bike needs some work. I destroyed its wheel on Zane grey trail. Oh man. And the other one needs a new chain. Tomorrow will be a big day. It is weird I had all this excitement about my house, up until getting some things signed off, and now it’s like, oh ok this is it! It isn’t as big as it used to seem. But it’s still a cute little house. A platform, I always called it. A platform for sailing.