In the last five years I have met a lot of friction and emotionally difficult circumstances. And I am realizing that it is that a lot of people don’t like me. But they pretend otherwise. And I can’t deal with that. The lie takes a massive toll on me. I need reality and I need truth. So I asked people, what don’t you like about me? If you tell me, I can understand. But without that, we’re both just living in a mentally deranged state that leads to anxiety, and high caloric intake. And I don’t like either of those things.
A huge thing was it seemed that word had gotten around that I was a child molesting sex addict. I think this came up because of a few things I had told people and that I identified as a sex addict because I used to use pornography and masturbation. Masturbation is such a strange word. I don’t obsess about sex any more than any man. When I have thoughts about it I cringe and change my thoughts because I only want to think about what is real. And I am not engaged in sexual activity.
It seemed like I was being backed into a corner of everyone else’s thoughts about me, like they wanted me to be what they thought. And I have this huge people pleasing side to me, so I find myself acting the role that people want from me.
So now I don’t know what to do. I have been taking it one day at a time. Amber would like a ride from the hospital in San Jose again. Her only housing option is the shelter again. I would like to think that leaving her on her own would guide her towards making a decision to get real help. But she is beyond that. She is being stalked by a serial killer and the hospitals generally have to subdue her and medicate her, which represents the serial killer. Someone suggested that she is highly manipulative. She isn’t in control. I saw her. She tries to do things like cook or clean, but if she is alone, she goes crazy. The serial killer comes and she starts trying to fight him, but it’s inside of her. Yes she is quite dangerous because she gets physically out of control. And what if the serial killer manifests? And she knows where I live very well. But I believe people need love, love of a brother and of a sister, and that perfect love has no rival. But manifesting that is tricky.
Either way, I am not the solution. She needs to develop a relationship with someone who can really help her.
It seemed like everyone wants to dumb me down and put me in their stupid box. And we do the same thing to Jesus. And it severely inhibits his ministry. I think that is why he said, if you only had the faith of a mustard seed. To believe. To believe in him. And to believe in me. And you. So let’s do it!