I was tempted to blame her

It in fact it had nothin to do with her and certainly was not her fault. I just crashed again majorly. I am so on top of things that I kept doing my work and my life continued, but internally it was. A massive struggle. I barely slept. I overate and out on a few pounds. I seriously brake checked quite a few people who were tail gating me. It seems like people love to push right when someone needs to go slow. And brake checks are perfectly legal and perfectly acceptable to me. I give people room. No one brake checks me. I just slam them on and almost come to a stop. If you’re going to drive you better be alert. And I can get out of the way if I really need to. Anyway! Ohhh but it hurt. It felt like I was dying. Everyone hated me. I had no one to go to and no where to go. That’s what it felt like. Luckily I did have people to go to. Oh I did yell at amber. Those were the times I was forcing her out of my house. I think that was a little over board. So what happened? It was definitely my deepest most subtle hurts. Ohhhh it hurt. And it takes so long to surface, then gather trust, then release, then process. Everything has changed again. I can’t believe I even got the opportunity to really heal. It is so hard and painful and slow. But it must be done. I don’t know how my life has afforded this. I did sell my sailboat so I could afford therapy. I would definitely rather still have it be doing epic night runs on the bay with friends. Ohhh man. I still have a design for a 30 foot surf board with a giant racing mast and a tent on it. But the therapy is good. It cost me my job in a way. I needed a serious leave of absence. I just couldn’t ask for it. But I think the heart and soul are a good investment for the future. It’s just so difficult to realize, how many people around me have had this peace the whole time. That almost makes it seem nit even worth it to keep going. Like I I did all of that and had all that trouble just to have what you’ve already had the whole time? And it certainly wasn’t my fault. It feels like, I don’t even want it if it took that much work and you already had it!!! Like working your whole life to own a house just to realize your neighbor got theirs for free. That’s why I put manual labor into mine. Because I know the neighbors are paying more than me. I want to work hard too! It must be done.

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