Getting after it

I sat around trying to decide if I should put insulation in the front walls of my house. But what if I redid the whole framing to add a second story later? Redoing anything now would be a waste of time. But I got tired of thinking about it and just did it. This house. I don’t know what my purpose is with it. Just bring it up a little. Then get an awesome and amazing job.

I tried to fulfill my last promise to amber today. One last phone deductible. The worst part is that I really enjoy spending time with her. But I am resolutely opposed to just about everything about her. Trying to just get the phone number was a full day job. I still don’t have any definite information from the mos tbizarre thing in the world. I’m paying for your phone. Just give me the details. Wouldn’t you rush to give me the details if I’m paying for it? It no. Everything is on her time that seems to coordinate with some mental merge with her conscientiousness or presence or whatever that word is. Mindfulness. I think she’s trying to be mindful. All the while I’m waiting just to get a phone number so I can pay for her lost phone that obviously she wasn’t being very mindful about. But then I see my teddy bear and remember how fragile she is and how fragile life is and how desperate she was… someone gave her an infant bed that she put in her car and that was her home. I got a used mattress that turned out to be a stinky mess and she cuddled up with my teddy bear in it and loved me for getting it for her. She pints at teddy and says see his hole? And I have no idea what she’s seeing. Is this some stupid spell she puts on stupid naive men? She knows how to get what she wants. She is highly manipulative. She finds a guy and then downtalks the last guy she used and so it pumps them up.

But I have atleast held her to reality and seen her process some wounds. Which is progress. Before I found her I did want to try to commit to one homeless person. Each one reach one. I can’t save the world but I can make difference for one person. And she was the only one that would follow me home. But maybe she found me. Maybe she was looking for a victim. Maybe it was all setup by her. I don’t know. The best I know is she is severely suffering and I have pushed her to process quite a few things around her dad, a previous relationship, and her childhood. And she can now acknowledge that the other people she runs with are still being chased by drones, but she is not. And I beleive she is telling the truth.

She said she’s only giving her mom 25 of the 40 I have her. Atleast she is being honest.

it’s like marriage. You just have to commit to one person. And there’s going to be problems. And everything is going to change. But i hear it is the most amazing thing worth living for. Is that the meaning of life then?

I Have absolutely never Heard anyone say that is the answer to the big question. But it seems so obvious now that I’ve considered it.

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