Fight the sludge

Wow. What a day. It was amazing. For one, I talked about something that has been bothering me for a long time. It felt good. It has been depressing me. Let it out!!!! Yay!!! Trust God! Trust the process! Trust the system!

I also cleaned up some details at my house that have needed cleaning. I cut the doors shorter like they should be, and painted their bottoms. I put a threshold in and now the carpet finally, mostly tucks in neatly under the door. I made a jig for my skill saw that I have needed for years. I got rid of the extra wood and raked around the entire house. It feels good to stand up for what I beleive in.

The hard part is as things get cleaned up, unfinished things really stand out. Like the cabinets looked amazing against plywood floors, but now the floor is nicer and the cabinets don’t looks so great anymore! But it’s ok. Having it all finished will be really good. Then I can move forwards!!!

Since I met her, I began having all of these really great feelings. And I associated them with her. But what if she didn’t like me and it had nothing to do with her? That would be awkward.

I had decided, that there could only be one. As far as I could tell, it was up to the man to pursue the woman relentlessly. It seemed that was the only way it could work. If he wasn’t willing to commit to only her, forever, then it was not likely to last forever. And, it had to be him pursuing. She would commit. Especially if he really showed her. But it would be harder for a man to commit. So it had to be all or nothing. And you can’t fake it. It has to come fro: the heart. Unrelentlessly. So for me, it was her or no one. And I was ok with that. In fact, I was already living like that. It confused people. I didn’t want to date. I was just a friend. Of men and women. Dads and moms. I was just a person, unmarried, and would be happy to live forever unmarried. Supporting dads and moms. If I eventually decided to pursue someone else, than I would have lied to Stacey. And I wouldn’t be caught dead lying. Maybe it had something to do with my childhood. Most likely.

I remember when I lied to my dad when I was four, like it was yesterday. And I can’t speculate on what happened because I very specific,lay don’t remember the rest of the day. There is one other night that I recall very specifically everything up to one moment, and then there is nothing. Just five hours later, things are calm and my mom is confused. Ohhhh. It’s hard. It’s hard. But it’s ok. Everything is ok now! It’s all in the past and both me and my dad are better now.

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