I don’t know exactly what is going on, but I am definitely fighting some kind of internal battle. And it has been relentless. In the last week everything has changed for me. That’s the danger of seeing a counselor. But it’s good. I feel self fulfilled. Which is important.
For me to be present inside my own body and emotionator and feel power over myself, separate, in control, and focused, is intensely painful. Hence I have avoided my entire life. I have always been able to be present, and I do it by sort of focusing on my legs and doing this mental push inside, I can’t explain it. I do something that forces my focus. And it hurts so bad! It feels like I am being electrocuted, and if I really get in to it, my legal and arms start convulsing. If I do this for ten seconds, it hurts so badly and that’s all I can handle. But it gives me an awareness. If I don’t do it, I lose self awareness and I start being codependent and worrying more about other people who I can’t change instead of myself. This week for some reason I was able to do this a lot. It hurts so badly. But after a minute of shaking it stops and I feel an intense calm and feel normal and release all my pain and anger and start remembering my whole life and all the good and good people. I go from freaking out to living in reality. I’ve been doing it so much that now it doesn’t hurt to do it anymore and I am practicing constantly doing it. I am aware, and focused, and present! It’s good!
The truth is that I think it is a physical trauma from being electrocuted. I remember being subjected to this weird little gray metal box that my dad used to brain wash me. It is crazy and I do remember this happening. It’s funny because he used to always blame my mom for brain washing me. Haha! He would shock me pretty hard, and used it to reinforce verbal commands like you are useless. You are wrong. You are sick. Etc. a few years back I also realized that I was sent to the hospital for electric shock when I was a kid! But my mom can’t really explain why! My dad also did verbal training with our parrot. He had this nifty tape deck that could loop, and he would record something on it and it would play over and over for the parrot. He also had a book on hypnosis. He had a lot of very strange things. Penis pencils. Little boxes that talked dirty words. Child pornography. Handcuffs. Whips. A box of sex toys that mom said she saw but didn’t have any affiliation with. It is crazy And it is all good now! And if I can, I’m going to destroy his fantasy! 🙂
What happened was wrong, and sadistic, and sick! But it is all OK now. Everything is OK. I have myself and I am in control. I can protect myself and take care of myself. And I’m happy! Yesterday I rode a horse! And we cantered and trotted in circles and figure eights. It was epic!!!