Day 29

Dear Stacey,

I think I actually love you. I really do. Has anyone loved you before? Like this? What if we work it out? I’ll always be a little crazy. But you’re the perfect antidote.

While repelling last night, both the first time and the second time to get my keys (with a head lamp), I realized something. It was good. Such a metaphor. Here was a dirt cliff facing the ocean. Barren dirt. And untouched. It had clearly only been washed by rain and wind. And I crumbled a half inch of it away. This was someone’s yard, or atleast, in three feet, would be someone’s yard. And the integrity of that yard was held by the little roots of grass and plants and ice plant and a hardened layer of rain and wind beaten dirt. One human foot step could eat right through the protective layer. And perhaps start a slow chain reaction of degradation. Of course, I couldn’t realize this until I had taken the step. I wondered if a step could also be taken that started a chain reaction of strength. I don’t know. But it could really help Santa Cruz. Literally, from falling in to the ocean.

What if no one has loved you before? Well the reciprocal is true for me. But of course that is true. I think, obviously it’s true. I have never loved anyone before.

Understanding the man:

I sat at the quarry, pondering him. He was the man. He had a great house, a Porsche, a truck, a motorcycle, a ski boat, he spent all weekend fixing the yard and going wind surfing. He sold the house, reinvested, and kept reinvesting until he landed a house and apartments up in Reno, and spent his golden years as a ski instructor. He had it all, and yet, just like me, it seemed to get him no where in what mattered. And I always thought, it’s too late anyway.

Is it too late? I don’t know. But I was sitting there, and no matter how wrong I thought he was or my mom thought he was, I understood his complaints about my mom, and about me. And it was OK. The thought of judging any of it didn’t even cross my mind. And while novel, and perhaps unfair, this was peace, or at least a start, for me!

No matter what anyone thinks is right, I have to be real about our relationship. To do that I have to understand him. And a huge fundamental piece of his relating to me is that I failed him. And that might be wrong or unfair or whatever, but from I stand, it doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter that I failed him. But to him that is the truth. And I think I always get stuck here and go crazy. But it’s OK because all a human wants is relationship. And my relationship with him is that I failed him. And that is the only thing makes sense because it is reality! So, it’s a place to start. The beauty of it is that there are other people who I didn’t fail and so I can get acceptance from. And if I wanted it, I could get acceptance from him by apologizing for failing him specifically with: leaving his tools out in the rain, not being good at sports or trying, wanting too much attention from mom, and not serving him in every way. Hah! That’s the truth. But I don’t want to talk to him right now. But I could have that relationship if I wanted it. I am in control.

Anyway, Stacey, I can’t climb the cliff. It isn’t right. It’s owned by a homeowners association and the erosion would be harmful. So perhaps some day I can climb a cliff with you!!

And this is why I have acted so crazily, and I can change it, and I love you, and I can make it all up to you, and I would be honored to.

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