Ouch. I’m sitting in celebrate recovery realizing all the mannerisms I don’t like… it’s because I do them to. And the only reason I’ve had any sense of goodness was because of the prospect of marrying Stacey Peterson for the last five years. But before that, I was just a selfish, adolescent douchebag. And I’ve been going to an amazing church for the last five years not remembering who I was, thinking that I was better then everyone else because of Stacey. Because we were a team from outer space. That’s what I thought. But now it’s all coming back. I was the biggest scumbag on the earth. And I still am. I might as well be riding a Harley with chains hanging off my waist and fifty year old leathers that look like they’ve seen Death Valley three hundred times and smell like that dead cow rotting on the side of the road that you wonder why no one has touched and then realize it’s because you can’t get within fifty feet of it without throwing up. Like the time the student had a booger hanging out of his nose and you got a napkin to get it out and grabbed it and you could feel it and it would just slip out of your grip, and just hang out a little more almost into his mouth. And his tongue came exploring and tasting and testing and drool puddle under his lower lip in that crease right above his chin. Like that.
Now my ankle is slightly swollen from the tick that got me as I rode by and the prospect of even approaching wilder ranch seems like the worst idea ever. Before amber wandered into my path I was 5e coolest guy around. Biking at night. Prepping for some races. She better turn around. I gave up everything for her five year old personali that was helplessly mumbling and wandering and hiding. The whole way home I had to back track and get her back out of the bushes or a driveway because she was so afraid. But I didn’t pick her up this morning, and I have a feeling I won’t be hearing from her. I hope it sent her a message. Do the right thing! If she turned around it would be a miracle and a miracle worth fighting for.
Today was great. Albeit slow. I got my electrical work planned with Pge to do a panel upgrade. I haven’t decided what to do about cabinets. They are expensive. I need cabinets, floor, and carpet now. And paint. Cabinets will run 2000, I only need a few, carpet probably 1000, flooring 1000. Paint. 100. Driveway 3000. And I can basically afford one of the above. So I’ll probably skip the cabinets and driveway and build some shelving under the counter. Carpet would be really great. Oh and the heater. It’s broken. I could rebuild the valve again. I don’t want to! I guess I’ll do that tomorrow. Oh and a new patio door. 300. Oh man!