I dedicated a hard year to therapy. And I accepted me for me. But it happened fast. And now I’m surrounded by people who still care. I care. I do. But I don’t care what people think about me. I’m doing my best. And I accept you. So what’s the problem?
I understood that everything that had happened, was due to God, not necessarily any individual. And looking back, it all made complete sense. And I was just grateful for what I had found within it all. Even now, without a job, I knew I needed to let go of my savings. And wasn’t just going to give it away. Because now that it was gone, I didn’t have the luxury of judging myself anymore. I had to accept me, so I could get back to work!!!
I mean it’s obviously her choice. But she was the one who mentioned engagement in the first place. Maybe she was just talking about engaging her Social media audience. I finally ran out of money. I have my retirement and my house. But my savings ran out. I have an equity line I’m going to use. It makes sense. It would be used for a house remodel, and that’s what I’m doing. But I don’t know if buying a boat right now makes sense. My new job doesn’t start for a month. But a boat would be so great. It really would. That’s what I’m good at and I’m a great team leader on a boat. I make it a healthy, fun activity.
*** and I have an unquenchable soul
I was up in Sam Francisco today again looking at a sail boat. I think I saw her again. For real this time though. On the golden gate. It’s like we were made for each other. It’s really weird. Like I couldn’t possibly get away from her. Because at some point, I would see her again. And I would uncontrollably start walking towards her. It’s happened before.
I went to Mexico this weekend to build a house in Tijuana. It was incredible. I don’t know what it is. The team building. The work. The people. The home owners. The builders. The leaders. The kids. The food. It is an amazing trip. I can’t believe what happens on these trips. It’s so good. There is so much love. Seriously. On the way down, we stopped for meals. And they were good. They were good meals. People asked how I was. And would say great. I have been remodeling. Whatever that means. Re-modelling. I was never modeling in the first place. And my house is definitely not a model. But anyway, surfing, and biking, and I did a bike race, and reading, and making good Whole Foods. And then I almost blurred out, yeah and it’s basically all because of Stacey Peterson. But I feared a sheriff with handcuffs would appear out of nowhere and take me to jail if I said her name. So I didn’t. But was it her? All she did was talk about how she understood and then walk by and look me in the eye with her ponds of granite. I’ve met others like her. It’s quite remarkable. Amazing bodies and eyes of crystal. Anyway, the trip was very rejuvenating. I always feel bad because there is so much good there and I know I bring a lot of judgement to everyone everywhere I go. Why are making such an arrogant face or gesture? Why is everything such a mess here? Why are you all talking so much? I wish I could fit in better. But I want to focus and get things done! What’s all this small talk about? Can’t we get to the point? I am very to the point. And I like surfing the point as well.
What do you want?
I don’t know. Fries. A cheeseburger. And chicken nuggets. And ice cream. And one of those.
I’m trying to do my texture now. It was supposed to be a one day job. But once I started, then I started having more ideas. So I stopped and painted a few things to get an idea. Then I tried doing some pure flat wall in some areas and painting that. Then I tried mixing different muds together to see what that does. This whole ina is just painstaking. Who cares! Just get some stupid t3xture on the walls!! Oh my good ness.
I noticed timbuk2 altered their website. It is still top notch. Literally. It’s amazing. It’s like this evolving canvas. Sort of a blog but somehow relays an entire corporations products. It’s the expression of some subconscious. Who contains the meaning of biking.
I think she’s going to call me. But she’s crazy. She is. She owns a house in Tahoe I found out. Who does that?
There was a period there, after meeting Stacey, that I pushed everything and everyone out of my life, and all I had was a Facebook post from timbuk2 or giro snow to encourage me. And I was pretty sure she was behind those pages. And every now and then, we would post almost the same exact topic at the same exact time. And it was astonishing. Like some sort of mental connection or a God inspired coincidence of minds.
I was never thinking about marriage. I was just trying to ask her out, and I knew it was all or nothing for me. I had to be ready to lose my job because of it. And I was. Then she mentioned a commitment to engage. And I was utterly flattered. I was so focused on a date and dating. But she actually considered me as a serious partner? But I wasn’t going to let her have control. So I waited three months to get back to her on that. Then things got tricky. I did get back to her.
But then I was wildly intent on marriage because it sounded so good. And naturally I considered other awesome people too. And even tried to ask one or two out. That was a disaster. You can’t fake it. I was already committed.
I was 12 when my parents separated. That’s right when I got into music. And my mom got into really sentimental 80’s and 90’s girl rock songs. So now that’s my music style! It always has been. It’s really funny! What made your music style?
This is what happens. I will post something in my blog. And then in a few minutes, I’ll realize that timbuk2 just posted something eerily similar, almost at the exact same moment. This has happened quite a few times. It freaks me out.
I love her. I really do. It’s sort of bizarre but not really. I knew her the second I met her. It was like meeting me. It was very strange. We both knew what it meant. And I knew there would be some hard chapters. But we both knew what we meant, and that wondering what any of it meant was silly. I know what she meant.
I think I am ready for another sailboat. Simply because, I can have one in a good slip in the harbor, I am a good captain, people like to sail with me, I am good at it, and I enjoy it. So I was up in San Rafael area looking at a boat. And I saw about fifteen Stacey’s out riding their bikes. I couldn’t tell if any of them were actually her. I wish I could just talk to her. That’s all I wanted to do. It never worked out though. Every time I tried, I got overwhelmed. I think I could now. It seems like I am a horrible possible mate for her, if I get afraid to talk to her. She’s just really, really, good looking.