A little crazy

I was on a nice bike ride and a homeless lady approached me, and seemed like she wasn’t crazy and just in a rough spot. I was planning on doing construction all week this week and could use some company, and she was afraid and needed a place to stay. Her things were pretty well kept so I offered my yard for her tent. Then I let her sleep on the couch. I found her ID today. Two years ago she was a normal person. Now, I don’t know. She’s been having delusions and hiding from a monster in the sky. It’s getting better today. I fed her a lot of good food and I think that helped. She is talking less crazy now. She cooked for herself. I have to constantly move her thing sbecause she is always going through them. Now I don’t know what to do. Things are ok enough. I think a week would really get her back to normal. But can I handle that? So far it has been ok. Taking care of someone helps me take care of myself. I don’t trust that I can take care of myself. But when I take care of someone, I can prove that I am taking care of myself!

I just ignore her and do my work. Construction is coming along.

Entirely new day

I don’t know exactly what is going on, but I am definitely fighting some kind of internal battle. And it has been relentless. In the last week everything has changed for me. That’s the danger of seeing a counselor. But it’s good. I feel self fulfilled. Which is important.

For me to be present inside my own body and emotionator and feel power over myself, separate, in control, and focused, is intensely painful. Hence I have avoided my entire life. I have always been able to be present, and I do it by sort of focusing on my legs and doing this mental push inside, I can’t explain it. I do something that forces my focus. And it hurts so bad! It feels like I am being electrocuted, and if I really get in to it, my legal and arms start convulsing. If I do this for ten seconds, it hurts so badly and that’s all I can handle. But it gives me an awareness. If I don’t do it, I lose self awareness and I start being codependent and worrying more about other people who I can’t change instead of myself. This week for some reason I was able to do this a lot. It hurts so badly. But after a minute of shaking it stops and I feel an intense calm and feel normal and release all my pain and anger and start remembering my whole life and all the good and good people. I go from freaking out to living in reality. I’ve been doing it so much that now it doesn’t hurt to do it anymore and I am practicing constantly doing it. I am aware, and focused, and present! It’s good!

The truth is that I think it is a physical trauma from being electrocuted. I remember being subjected to this weird little gray metal box that my dad used to brain wash me. It is crazy and I do remember this happening. It’s funny because he used to always blame my mom for brain washing me. Haha! He would shock me pretty hard, and used it to reinforce verbal commands like you are useless. You are wrong. You are sick. Etc. a few years back I also realized that I was sent to the hospital for electric shock when I was a kid! But my mom can’t really explain why! My dad also did verbal training with our parrot. He had this nifty tape deck that could loop, and he would record something on it and it would play over and over for the parrot. He also had a book on hypnosis. He had a lot of very strange things. Penis pencils. Little boxes that talked dirty words. Child pornography. Handcuffs. Whips. A box of sex toys that mom said she saw but didn’t have any affiliation with. It is crazy And it is all good now! And if I can, I’m going to destroy his fantasy! 🙂

What happened was wrong, and sadistic, and sick! But it is all OK now. Everything is OK. I have myself and I am in control. I can protect myself and take care of myself. And I’m happy! Yesterday I rode a horse! And we cantered and trotted in circles and figure eights. It was epic!!!

Simply sailing

It used to just be me, my boat, the mike buoy, and the fog horn. And then things got CONPLICATED. And I don’t know why! I don’t ever want to go crazy again!

I don’t understand

I’m going typical! I’m becoming dumb, fat, and I just want to watch movies. Literally all my energy is drained. What is this? I can’t focus on anything. I’ll start rice and then go into the front yard and an hour later smell toast and remember, o( yeah, the rice. I never used to be like this. My brain is completely scrambled. And everything around me is too! What on earth!!! I’m going crazy! And I keep hurting myself. It’s like integration of me. I have all these sub parts of me. One part wants to be hurt. One part is hurt. One wants to be cute. One can’t stand the attention I get when I act cute. On and on and on. It’s all mixing together. Like paint. I mixed some of 5e red paint yesterday with the white primer before I primed. Ohhh what a color. Should have stuck with that. The real red was way too dark.

Oh no! It’s like I’m being me. I used to sort of act certain ways around different people to make them feel ok. But now, I am forcing people to deal wi5 themselves! What is the deal! Why can’t people deal with themselves! Ohhh man. Deal with your own life and kids and all of that!

Poor eyesight

I work myself into these frenzies and then my eyes get tired and can’t focus, and sometimes I’ll think that I see her, and she seems to feel bad. And there is no feeling bad! I am feeling bad! I just wish I could say hello. And go to the beach!

Ps it isn’t swiping and it still says “detail”

It would be nice to leave Santa Cruz. It’s like, wow, definitely hit a lot of people’s limits, might be nice to go somewhere else.

Painting

Painted the kitchen at church! Made a stripe. It was good! Pretty impressed with digital marketers ability to keep coming up with new creative content. It’s really good!

Who du listen 2?

I think I’m listening to the wrong voice. Three weeks ago, I put all of my assets into cash. I knew the market was going to skydive. But I didn’t know why. I assumed I was thinking about North Korea. I don’t know why I knew. It’s like my brain subconsciously tracks things that I’m not even aware of and gives me hints. Then I called an investor and he said, why are you worried? I thought inside, because the market is about to take a dive! But I listened to him and re invested everything. Now I have no choice but to keep everything in. Oh well. It will pick back up.

It’s so hard for me, that me being serious, involves massive allegations that some people don’t want to hear. It’s cool though that all of my counseling work has really put me in tune with the world. It’s like I can hear the big picture. I just need to be better at then doing the right thing

I feel like there is a war against sexual inappropriateness going on. And I’m trying to fuel the fight. I think the victims have the upper hand right now. And things have just started. And I know, like when the us fought adolf, you don’t stop! You keep shelling, the hardest when you’re winning!

The US spent I think a year just prepping to enter the war. Can you imagine that? The patience? That’s how I’ve felt for the last three years. It was like, I’m losing, gotta lay low and build strength. I didn’t know what for. I’m not sure I do now. But if this is a war, now is the

time to get out the big guns! People like adolf don’t surrender. It’s all or nothing. And there are plenty of adolfs walking around.

if I could just listen to the right voice and be more patient. I pulled my investments for one night. I thing happened so I put them back. Haha! How strange is it that I knew???

I also hate women. There are a few specific reasons. One is that a woman told me something horrible when I was a kid. She wanted someone to kill her! I hated her for wanting that! That’s so bad! Why! And it happened! It was the stupidest thing I have ever heard and now I think all women are stupid and should die for their stupidity just like her! I was so frustrated as a kid, that’s how I thought! I now know that she must have been a victim of something and that was what gave her this idea. And that it is sad. And the state of many women is a sad state. And yet they are so amazing that they usually stay friendly and caring amidst so much! It is frankly, a little peculiar how they do it.

what’s important to me is that people are protected, and safe, and comfortable! It’s hard to be comfortable sometimes! I just want emotional clarity and freedom! And that is the United States!

Inspiration

Timbuk2 recently posted an awesome post about Groundhog Day. And whatever happened, the weather was really nice. I posted a big really? As a sarcastic response because I thought it was funny and it seemed to be a parody of some things I post on social media. It was hilarious. But then I also wanted to give a glimpse of my internal world, which is in extreme turmoil. I almost wish I never even went down this path. But I know there is a promise at the end.

Lately, I have been recounting horrendous memory after memory to my therapist. It all started after I started at intuitive. Seeing pigs be operated on set me off inside. I couldn’t handle I t for a variety of reasons. Some people thought it was immoral. I don’t know if it is or isn’t. But it reminded me of something. So I’ve done all of this eft trauma release but it just keeps going. And it’s like there was this big black hole in my childhood that is now making more sense. But it’s horrible. And I am constantly on edge. Because of it I make a point to give others space. But people are constantly robbing my space. It’s really hard right now. I don’t know how to describe it. I don’t want to die. But the only relief I am finding is sleeping in late, going on a ride, and digging in my dirt. Then my toe broke and I couldn’t ride. And my neighbor is this overbearing wacko. He blames everything on everyone around him, and I started to carry that blame. Can I tell these people to literally go away and will I still be ok?

I can’t handle my mom right now either. We got lunch and it was great but her facial expressions admitted that she knows a lot more than she says she does. So inside all I can think is unhealthy get away get away get away! Life has bad things but I can’t live within a lie. And I think she is in denial and that is a lie! I can’t live with lies! I can forgive anything but I can’t forgive if it isn’t validated!

And now I’m healing so much that each night brings back some memory of utter travesty. He details shouldn’t be said. I think that is why I hate details. My details should be hated. Rightfully so. Things that just erode any sense of morality, humanity, or justice. A lot of it is things that happened to other people. And they are now dead. And that is wrong. I’ve seen news articles of people who go missing, but they figure the case out and prosecute. These cases aren’t really prosecutable, unless someone else helps me fill in the details. They also happened in Santa Cruz, which means I probably know the perpetrator. Maybe even now.

And I stand back and think this all through, and I ask myself deeply, am I making this up? But then I realize thats what my dad used to tell me all the time. That I was making things up. And now he is across the country, posting pictures with little girls with his new product, and you can see his hand is resting on their butt behind their back.

And this is my life, and always has been. Absurdity shoved in your face until you can only smile and pretend nothing is going on. And it’s hard to live with. So I bike! Then some moron comments “oh going old school”, because of my bike, and I think, I’ve been riding up here since I was 3, thanks to my dad. This isn’t old school. This is me and my bike. Leave me alone freak! When I learned to ride, it was a rigid frame and rim brakes. Why don’t you try it out? You might learn something. Like, you don’t actually need brakes! The arrogance. I can’t stand it. Amateurs!! I am going to train myself to respond, ” you’re comment makes your lack of experience obvious. Please be courteous and respect your elders, and focus on yourself and your riding. If you would like help with that, I would be glad to help you understand riding from a more fundamental perspective.”

So. I write. I don’t have a choice. And I hope this doesn’t hurt anyone. It seems to hurt people at my church. And that is weird.

I hoped Sean would have helped me connect some details. He said he experienced similar things as a kid in Santa Cruz but not by anyone I knew. He seemed to know who it was. I interviewed him for hours, cross checking everything and seeing if anything matched what I remember. It was similar situations but different people. His death was a suicide and it was because he couldn’t handle it. And I am dealing with the same things. It just means I get testy. But I wish I had someone to comfort me!!!!!

The pain and inhumanity come up inside and it’s like I can’t get away. It’s like the holocaust in Germany. You just think, that needs to be stopped at whatever cost. And this country geared up and stopped it at WHATEVER COST! That is exactly what the feelings are. I can’t live knowing these things happened and not stopping them. It’s very disconcerting.

And I need an outlet for it. Perhaps the police would be a good outlet. Maybe a description would match something. Maybe they would connect the dots?

What does the mourning bring?

Eager to wake up and check the stock market opening prices. Everything dipped last week and ended pretty bad on Friday. I might be able to buy so,e things on margin in the morning if it looks like it turns around a little bit. I could make a few hundred dollars. If it doesn’t go up then I will have done my part to fuel the market. I think it’s good to spend when the economy or market are doing poorly. If I take a loss I know I’ll make it back up soon enough!