The golden gate

Through a peculiar twist of events, I picked up a random book from the library after donating a $1 because I was so happy they lent me a book on fishing. That’s right. The library lent me a book. They trust me. They invested in me.

It turns out it describes the history of Alta California, of which I had just recently written my own little synopsis. And, being about gold, the book also also describes the golden gate. Not the bridge, but the passage the bridge is named after. It turns out, I didn’t know enough to really have a solid grip on the reality of such thing, when I had prepared a speech to propose to a very beautiful woman about a year ago. How could I take care of her if I didn’t fully grasp the reality of her?


Hello? What the fuck are you guys doing?! It’s like you won’t inspire unless someone’s screaming at you! I mean it’s good, but you’ve done way better! Where’s that focused brain?

Dear Stacey,

I did it. I left a voicemail for my girlfriend from high school. I broke up with her shortly after starting college because I knew I had to face some things and I didn’t think I would do it if I stayed with her. My parents divorced when I was 12. I met her when I was 15. We dated for three years until high school. Then we broke up. That’s when crazy started. She didn’t call back, I am assuming because she is married and I haven’t really talked to her since dating her. It was good though. It brought me back to then. All the way back to the source. Before I met her. My first love. Before crazy. Who am I? What is my identity. It’s is my fidelity. My word. That is my identity.

In the beginning, was the word.

Is the Bible a metaphor?

Why is one half of the population so afraid? What are they afraid of? And why don’t they know that they don’t have to be afraid? Who is deceiving them? And why?

That is why I harassed you. Because you seemed afraid, and I didn’t want you to be afraid.

It drives me nuts!! That is why I stalk harass and scare people. Because they are afraid and it drives me crazy. It’s like half the population are these wonderfull, caring, sensitive, vulnerable people, and they’ve all been victimized, and are ashamed and afraid. It isn’t supposed to be like this.

I know who you love

I can see it in other women! I don’t know how! They tell me somehow in their eyes.

In2you! My days are much better if I just tune in to my higher power. Got a lot of garbage behavior today. Just smiled and held my own. Later realized, it wasn’t about me. They’re just people in a crazy thing. And I’m not anymore!! Yay for love!

Stacey: +1
World: 0

What if I didn’t have this blog? Actually, I suppose, I might have grown quicker. Hard to say.

A SPiritual experience

Well, Kylegod was at it again, convincing himself he is the center of the world and everyone owes him and he is God. I woke up, read my A.A. book, and realized I was doing it again. Instant relief to realize, I don’t have to fit everything into one bag. The day was a miracle. I was at the gym, and thought, I should go to the hardware store right now to get that glue I need to repair my moms brokensink. So I did. And there was a man I needed to talk to. An amends. I didn’t say everything I was supposed to but it was good enough. Then later another epic amends. Then later another. Serendipitous. Just like when I first met her. We. Are. A. Phenomenon.

Tell it like it is

I’m getting better at it. This fucking asshole homeless piece of shit started screaming that I was harassing him after offering him my chips. So I yelled back, you’re the problem. You ARE the problem! Earlier some rich weirdo with his girlfriend gave me a really awful look. So I yelled at him, “teenage grunge”. I really don’t care anymore. People need to hear the truth. It feels good. It’s right. The truth is right. I just have to get better at defining it and yelling it.

Some 40 year old surfer in a wagon got mad at me for driving the speed limit. He passed in the other lane, and stopped to yell at me. I told him to grow up and stop being a teenager. He really took offense to it but didn’t have a response.

Stop being a teenager! Stop trying to control everything! Those work well because they can’t argue with it.

This town is chock full of narcissistic teenagers. I hope to destroy them all. It just feels really good to put these narcissists in their place.

I couldn’t believe him. Claiming harassment. What a brat. He’s at least thirty years old. Sitting playing videos games. That really got to me. They’re taking over this city. And not nice ones. Crazy weird ones like that. I want them out of here. I had just come from church. I was in a vulnerable state. He stabbed me in the heart.

What the hell is MY identity?!

It was skiing, snow, construction, my truck, and camping. Maybe that’s why I loved her. She talked about camping. But then I sold my truck and tortured myself for six years by not pursuing what I love, and instead pushing sailing. Why sailing? It’s good. But it isn’t my true passion. My true passion is an alcohol burner and a self cleaning pump water filter, next to a lake, perhaps with a. Fishing pole.

Two nights ago I had had enough torture. I made the rounds of all the epic Santa Cruz stores, collecting prices and information. Went to work, got my laptop, went home and sat on my bed and did some good old fashioned internet research.

Hours later I had a pad, a sleeping bag, a battery powered Xmas light strong, a stove, a used mini DSLR, and a Tupperware of two hard boiled eggs, a tomatoe, an apple, and an orange.

An hour later I was at 2600 feet, the highest peak near Santa Cruz, getting my car level. It was epic.

In the middle of the night, I woke up ecstatic. This weird, electrical feeling was penetrating me. The sound of the rain that had started hours ago had changed. And the 5 year old inside of me knew Exactly what that sound was.

Sailing was more of just an adrenaline fix. How far can I push the boat and crew?

One day?

I rode hard yesterday. And yesterday was good. Then today I didn’t do anything. And by the afternoon I was acting weird, sheepish, and insecure. Really? I can’t go one day without intense exercise? Ugh. That’s depressing.

I have been doing balance exercises. Mostly making up my own. Wow they really help. When you need to dig one foot into a pedal hard and balance the bike, the extra strength really helps. It seems that strength is half of handling a bike well. There’s a lot of force in turns and jumps. I’m really learning to jump small things now and flow better. I’ve been watching mr Gwinn. He has been my hero since he had a bunch of wins. I just like his style. It’s simple.