Fall in to yourself

That’s going to be a hit song. I don’t know if you can use it.

You have to just give up. Give up on skiing. Golf. Biking. All of it. Adventure. They are all just a crystallized pathway that worked, but isn’t the best.

Adventure in to your mind!!! Find the blockages and love them! Learn to expect the best and get it.

All those things will come back, but with a new and different meaning.

Wooo this week will be different. Much more real sanity. No act. No proving. No control. Just my oath only. I can’t judge anyone if I am on my path. I can’t control what others think. Let them judge. It’s OK.

This is the week of concrete curing. Curing in the new identity. Adjust. There’s a whole new world ahead. The funny thing is, it was there the whole time.

You got this! Patience. Gentle. Let go and let God. There’ll be mistakes. Shame will rise up. Love it. I lathered my shame in lotion this morning.

Slowly the judges will fall out of view. You’ll realize they’re only the 1% and stop looking for them.

Every false belief will come up and try to sabotage. But you need this. You need to control this. Control so and so. Save and help. Recognize the true self. The true self just is. And by being, it helps. That is sufficient.

The only thing stopping me and creating problems is me. All I have to do is completely let go of the old way. The only reason there is friction is because I won’t let it go.

I was forced in to an act, and the only problem is it stole my true identity and confused me inside.

My whiskers are like doors I think. I have to close those doors and open the right doors. It’s like trying to heat a house with the outside doors open.

A little rough

It might get a little rough. Integrating parts sometimes push back. Have faith. The reward is great.

It’s like when you’re in the middle of a rock garden and realize you’re going way too fast. All you can do is stay on the bike and look ahead. Stay calm.

Or when you’re climbing and something doesn’t feel right and you look down and realize there’s no where to go. All you can do is breathe and trust you did things right.

PEOPLE PLEASING

This one. It’s very subtle. The only problem with it is it leaves you open to attacks. Vulnerability. Trying to get validation. It never works. Ah. This is my greatest weakness.

It’s is always accompanied by dissociating for me. And that always gets brutally attacked.

SELF HATE

They’re all good. Took them all rappelling at Davenport today. That cliff feels like it’s about to fall. But I was careful. From an ecological standpoint, I’m not going to rappelled there again. Driving back saw the shark fin. It used to be such a spectacle to me. Now it’s just a part of the whole continuous coast. Then I biked to Davenport. Mostly sane. Sung to the police as they were writing someone a ticket. I ate collard greens, tuna, a strange spiky hard broccoli, asparagus, pico de Gallo, zucchini, pinto beans. Water with salt for the ride and two oranges. Stopped for a muscle run, that seems to help my cramps. Also tried to stretch out and relax on the ride. Push forward with the legs more than press down. That helped.

Had a mantra:

I don’t need my mom

She’ll be fine

I can be sane

I can be accepted

I can be myself

Back to practicing sales.

I don’t know where or how my path fits in. I’m willing to give up everything to be on this path. To look at myself. The one who is hearing these words. See through the blinders. Integrate them. It’s amazing to see how much shame is around. I love my shame.

I love you. The real I. With real love. The real you.

There’s other layers to it. Needs for acceptance, validation, attention. Expectations. But the real thing is I’m there too. I don’t want to use you to appease my shame, self hate, anger, and rejection.

I have muscle tone, but no muscle. I don’t know where it went. It feels weird.

Remember that depression part! It’ll be there. But don’t worry. Just be with it.

ITS ALL LOVE. Theyre all just pieces of love. Colors in the rainbow.

ANGER

I am looking for things to get angry about!!! Rather than the true source, my parents, because it is too hard to admit.

That’s one of my whiskers. Who can if one to lash out at, to prosecute, kick out, abandon. That is what is going on.

My whiskers are actually taking energy away from others. It is how I get energy to stay in denial.

I need to imagine reversing the flow. Giving energy through my whiskers.

Honesty

Yesterday a young man at the range asked me how I am. I ignored him. What I wanted to say was, do you know you can have your own validation and acceptance inside? And that it will give you more power in life? And do you know how many different trees there are around you? If you want, try paying attention to it. And, I am angry, and I am trying to bait people and I don’t even know it. So thank you. I hope to talk to you again because we seem similar. That’s a manzanita. Knowledge about my surroundings gives me a sense of peace and strength.

You were trying to depend on me for validation and acceptance, and I can’t give you those things. Only you can. So I ignored you.

I am angry, and I can’t accept that I am angry at my family.

Looking for people to save, control, or manipulate.

SHAME

I got to all of this before!!! What happened??? I think I got afraid! Do you remember?

OK. Shame is an ally. It gets turned in to an enemy, especially if experienced at a high dose or at a young age. Then it is made separate.

When shame is separate, it gets stuck. And you will inherently push away or pretend that it doesn’t exist or anything that represents it.

We need to integrate shame so we can handle it in the world. Shame.

It’s a modern war.

Do you remmeber?

We’re all writing the same song.

They’re all copying you

Either you work for everyone, or they are ALL COPYING YOU!!!!! What the heck?! You’re good!!!

It’s the words!!!! They’re about you!!! I choke up because it’s too real, the truth, how much I love you. And I don’t want to sing and cry. But I did. And it sounded good. It’s all about you.

I can’t handle how much I love you.

That’s what it is.

I am afraid because it also hurts.

Nailed it!

Dear Timbuk2. I got an email from you. This layout is perfect. That is professional. That is professional.

It’s the words. They scare me.

I am not afraid of words. Words are safe and secure. I use words to share joy and peace.

I have a great strong voice inside of me and I project it in to the space around me.

Never is enough for me. Stars are wonderful. Little things are great and important.

You is loving and secure and safe.

I am a great singer and I am loving and safe.

All those words. They are triggers. I get choked up on them.

My falsetto is relaxing and fun.

Ok. I think you didn’t have a defense against my issues. That is what was going on.

How do you defend against that? First get away. But I know it is possible to reframe the situation so that doesn’t happen from anyone.

True self

Yikes!!! Been here before. Got lost last time.

The family. The dysfunction and lie will creep back in if I am around them.

But I am really getting back to my true self. That is sanity. That is what is in everyone else.

The true self IS. It is what has always been there underneath everything. It IS clarity.

It’s what you have and I can smell it and I love you like an ant loves his trail.

I use excitement, drama, sabotage, to hide from my pain. Somehow I will make it through this this time. Commitment. Clarity. Work. Honesty. 60 days of meetings.

And emotional sobriety. Sobriety from family. Dependence. Acceptance. Attention. Validation.

A song I wrote in college:

Standing at the edge of life

Peering in to the blackness

Questioning the point of it

Wondering why we hurt oursekves

As I search for my filling

Using my souls stencil

Not finding the silver lining

That will bring me happiness and life

Watching all the people talk

A template of their empty

Searching for a paradigm

A template of their empty hearts