I had to think I was a part of it

Or atleast I was looking for meaning in what had happened with me. Because the whole time I felt like what I was doing was for a reason. For one I had hoped for years that someone would put an end to all the subtle ways sexuality pervades television. Mostly because it mislead my own thoughts against what I knew was right. So, I found myself harassing her. There was nothing physical. Not even threatening. Not even requesting anything more than dinner at the shadow brook restaurant. But something told me to push it a little. So I did. I gave her a lot of little reasons to prosecute me. I suppose the big one was that she had told me she wasn’t comfortable with me continuing to ask her out because she was in a serious relationship. That one really got me. My entire life had been massively uncomfortable and here she was saying it was illegal for someone to be uncomfortable. Oh it really made me mad. But that is besides the point and there are a lot of fruitful conversations to be had about that. So, she prosecuted me. And it hurt. But something told me to just take it. Don’t resist. Just be who you are and pay the fines. But something told me it wasn’t enough. So when I did run into her, I stood my ground a little. No deliberate violations. I just stood my ground. So her and her entire legal team prosecuted me more. And I would think, ok I am not dumb, I am doing this for a reason. Everyone thought it was because I was this obsessed monster. And if you’ve ever seen her you can understand the obsession, but that wasn’t what it was. I was a 30 year highly functioning man. There was another reason. And if I did have a part in encouraging the wake of sexual harassment prosecutions that have been occurring lately, it was this. I told everyone and I told everyone that she was right. Because she was! I knew what she would do. And I still did it. And if it did give others the courage to make that phone call,file that paper, or write that story, then it was definitely worth it. Not to see grown men suffer. But to see accountability to our moral standards. Especially, for me!

Most extremely epic days ever

Thursday I worked wi5 the horses at camp loarc. Then I watched a movie I liked when I was a kid. And made killer pancakes. Yesterday. Oh boy. I woke up. I topped off my transmission fluid. Rode my bike to the parts store. And got a cookie. And went to goodwill to replace my broken glass mug. Then another epic night ride at Ucsc. Took it slow but still made good time. Oh I stubbed my toe. It popped. I think that was the nail popping off. Not sure but the nail feels horrible now. Then went to church. Then to the symphony! Free rehearsal at the civic. Hello! Then I had tea. Ohhh I love tea. Today I’m going to clean my house. I like cleaning my house.

The switch

I had tried to find replacements for her. I just wanted to spend time with her but that wasn’t allowed. I found a few. And I tried to make them fit but they rarely did. It’s like driving your friends car. It just isn’t your car. And so I would move on, until the next unsuspecting victim fell into my empty hole.

 

I realized i was stgnating because I was surrounded by people who didn’t have the hope that I had. I dreamt of a world where we all got everything out and let it go. Instead everyone else seemed to still be stuck. And boy I try every angle possible. Somehow I need to stop trying to make other people progress. But I have to share what I know. And I know that people deserve to tell their story.

I also

Had cinnamon apple honey wheat pancakes for breakfast. I guess I was sort of made for the rest of the day. Hard to top that.

The problem

With counseling is that it works! I just wanted to accept myself. But in doing so I don’t have such a drive to do things! Which is strange for me. Normally I’d be planning a night rain ride or walk or sail or God knows what. But I’m just happy sitting listening to the rain! And I think that is a good thing. Although I do need exercise. I wonder what it will be like to ride downhill again. I’ve been doing a lot of work. My brain is fixing itself. It’s good. Oh but it’s hard. I keep waking up at 3 am sweating and chilled. It’s scary. But I am actually processing everything. Which is good.

The sloth

I don’t know what is going on. I think I am trying harder to have a gentler impact on people around me. Or something. Every day is like a massive granite boulder. I can’t hardly move! I get good sleep. I exercise. But I don’t have any drive! When I was at work I had everything down to a tee. It’s like I’m in a spell or something. I keep getting rid of things thinking it’s my things weighing me down. Maybe it’s my car??? I just can’t make any decisions either. It’s like someone took me and put me in molasses. Don’t do anything. Don’t make any decisions. I sleep. Then I sit on the couch. Staring and praying. Maybe I’m stuck in a childhood trauma? That’s sort of what it feels like. Like I can’t make it stop. I can’t get away from it either. This is horrible! Maybe I need to move? Maybe I need to move.

oh it’s just depressing. I mean I spent ten years working through all of it and clearing everything out of my life. And so now I’m just ready and present and accepting. But I feel like I’m just surrounded by drunks and parties and people stuck in this gooey tension control habit and all this muck. But I am afraid to express what I know because it is piercing. I mean really is this how you all want to spend the rest of your lives? Never really looking at yourself and your life? Never finding happiness in just being? What is the deal?? Ohhhhh man.

Evil rumors

Sometimes I get the impression that there are these evil rumors about me. Like I am bein carefully watched and scrutinized for every facial expression I make or every person to whom I look at. Or every noise I make. I am free to live and act however I act! I can’t control my body language! And that’s ok! If there are rumors, it’s just other people pain and defenses. It’s their only option. If they could do something more healthy they would.

 

When she got a restraining order against me, I really appreciated that she had write out her side. And that I had to read it. It showed me her perspective. She had values and priorities that were different than mine. It was like being exposed to this other world, that didn’t yet exist in my comprehension of reality. So I set out to find it.

 

Even if we weren’t friends, we did have a relationship. It consisted of me writing her a letter, and then her writing me a letter, in the form of legal paperwork. But I loved it! It was her hand writing and the truth written out.

There is no hope

I feel so lost. Everything is different with a toe down. No biking. No videos. Just sitting at the house thinking about how I want to change everything. Then I sit. I used to have all of this direction and drive. But honestly now I am so confused. I was working so hard towards something, and now it seems like everything is against me. I have all of these people who can’t see past today, and they keep tying to bring me down. What do they want??? I suppose I can just ignore them. Ahh I feel so stuck. What on earth is my purpose? It’s like everyone else hasn’t spent the last five years working. They’re all still unhappy! Everything I do is easy! And I’m happy to do it! And everyone belittles the guy who’s not trying to dominate everything! But is actually just getting things done! How can I come across as real?

Adventures

I have been adventuring out a little socially. It’s scary. I am working hard at defining what is right and what I believe in in the moment. There is a lot of social pressure. Most people don’t live like me. I am simple and seem to have an abundance of extra time. Other people don’t understand that. I feel like even if I had a significant other we would both have an abundance of extra time and energy, because we wouldn’t be winding up our energy in unresolvable conflicts. We would just love each other!