At night all I can think about is what she is doing! I know tons of homeless and they all make tents and things and find cover. But her brain inside was so haywire that I worried. She might be just be lying in the Forrest somewhere. She always had a cold when she arrived. It was better by the time she left. She used to be a completely normal person. I was such an idiot when I first met her I wanted to blame her situation on her world views. That doesn’t matter! What matters is proper nutrition and a dry place to sleep! Even if she acted utterly absurd, she took care of things everywhere she went. Plants. Animals. My teddy bear. It really touched me that she took care of my teddy bear! Ohhhh I can’t stand this! It’s like something has taken a person and has them in its grip and is pure evil. I am pretty sure, the impression I get, is that someone actually sucked her into this. She didn’t want it. And now she can’t escape. Is this all a metaphor for me? Is there a part of me that feels like that too? She really cherished things. Like some string peas she left in my fridge. I was in such a dizzy trying to get my house framed that I didn’t care about string peas! But I had them today. They’re very full of life. Slightly translucent. Crunchy. Moist. Rich.
I prayed that I could take her pain away. It was so much pain! That if I could suffer for her that it would give her strength. I’ve prayed this about a lot of people. Maybe that is why I was so down today. It was like my mind was boggled. I don’t know why I prayed that except that I grew through so much pain, and then I had my good time. I had my boat and it was epic. Those couple of years leading up to getting hired at intuitive surgical were just amazing. And then I chose to give things up! Like the boat. So others could enjoy those things! And that’s a good thing! I got my growth. And I grew! And I have my strength! And now I’m taking dance classes and riding horses! But I saw her pain. Nobody deserves that. And I would forfeit my Life to have that taken away!