Some girl took my car

When I picked her up from the hospital a month ago, the story was she had left her car in a certain spot. She had directed me to look for it. When it couldn’t be found, she seemed confident she could find it. This lead me to believe she was trying to make me her alibi. And I was right.

It turns out, she was arrested, they admitted her to the hospital, I now learned she has a mysterious court appearance and her car is the impound! That is what actually happened! I Kent her the impound money last time, and she paid me back. But I’m not lending it this time. She doesn’t want the car, but she can’t let go of because of it’s worth. She keeps trash in it and losing it. She shared it with her ex boyfriend who she hates. So, the car is being sold in a lien sale. Goodbye car. If she focuses on the next year, in a year the loss of the money invested in the car won’t matter. She is staying at her moms and I am keeping in contact with her to help her mentally process her situation. She seems nervous about losing her car and moving on but I remind her to trust in God. It will be fine.

She is still pretending that someone took her car and got arrested in it. Someone else! Haha! It’s kind of funny. There arrest documents with her picture on them. But it wasn’t her. I decided to go along with it. Oh I’m so sorry some girl took your car! That is just so strange and unbelievable!

Flour creations

Once I figured out the basics of flour, 5e possibilities were endles. There’s flour. And water. Maybe oil. baking soda and an acid to lighten things up. And egg to make it better. Who thought of putting an egg in flour? How on earth would you think that up?

See this little brown 5ing? It came out of the chickens butt. Sometimes we cook the. And eat them. I wonder what happens if you whip it up and mix it with flour? Who would conceive of that? It’s like mixing ground beef with flour. Wait a second…

Or tomatoes with flour. I wonder what that does. I now know the tomaotoe will react with baking soda and make bubbles like yeast would.

Or lard and flour…mmmmmmm

Egg cooked in mashed potatoes? Is that a thing yet? Gnocchi?

Egg and chocolate and flour? Someone must have been sitting around brainstorming.

Paddle in

Last night I went to the symphony. They played theme songs from movies. John Williams. Jurassic Park. Et. Star Wars. And that other movie. It was good. It brought back a lot of feeling from childhood that has slowly been buried. I went alone. It was best that way. It brought a lot of tears. Jurassic Park. That song kills me. It holds this promise of hope to me.

Last night I remembered junior guards. Paddling in. This is my life. Putting back together all these fragments. And I’m good at it. All I did as a kid was take things apart and put them back together. It was the last week of junior guards and as a special treat we got to paddle in from the wharf. It was epic. On boogie boards. They had thousands of boogie boards. I was afraid of the deep water. So our baby sitters boyfriend offered to come with me. Eden. Cissa and eden. Her real name was Ramayana. She was from Brazil. I really liked the paddle in. It was cold. We usually didn’t spend that much time in the water. I couldn’t stand being out there so I kept paddling and paddling. The other kids wanted to stop and play. Eden didn’t understand this and got embarrassed. So he stopped and played with the kids. It made me jealous and envious. I never knew how to play. Especially not fantasy. My friends would walk their little figurines around and talk for them. I thought it was stupid. But it’s beginning to have some merit now. I think it’s a method of processing external reality.

Clear out!

I talk to the WRONG people. I tell them things and it’s gets turned inside out. Ouch! I need out of this! Why can’t anyone just look at themselves? There’s this whole culture that has no vision, no hope, no desire for change. I thought they might want to do better! Is it me?

Anyway, life is progressing. I am being ripped apart inside. Finding forgiveness and mercy for myself and others. But also letting go of fantasy and non-realistic views. It’s funny, I’ve popped out of this gooey mess. And seeing everyone else who’s in it. And it’s like, wow. That’s most of the world. I thought I was climbing up into this better world … Where everyone is. The truth is, few people are climbing. I climbed up out of the world! And we all should!

What’s most important was Stacey did the right thing. She always does. Regardless, it’s her choice to do what she wants, as long as it is within her own moral code. She and any company or person have the right to use the judicial system for whatever purpose necessary. She talked to me first, then talked to my superiors, they all gave me time and warning, and then they talked to the courts. That is the correct way to deal with things. And it was right and just. Everything is fine. She is a model for correctly living in a society. I am codependent so I don’t ever stand up for myself. But I am praying that will change. My burden is way too great. I have too many people severely mistreating me. I am going to figure out how to stop this. Maybe I’ll ask them if they need to discuss something with me they don’t like. If so they are free to approach me about anything real.

Roll out

How do you market without selling out? I mean without giving in to appealing to the big lusts of the world. So much marketing is high energy and made to appeal to carnal senses, so how can you compete with a more balanced, sustainable, and ultimately authentic approach?

Next week

This week I had white rice. And next week I, getting brown rice. And all I can think is, what’s it going to taste like? And I’ll get some more eggs to go with my beans. And another $1 can of coconut milk. Where are coconuts breasts? I don’t know but the milk is good. All those little guys hanging sucking the milk out of their mom.

I rode around this morning. This city is kind of weird. I mean the cement ship? I was brought up here and we always sort of idolized the cement ship like everyone else. But now, it’s just kind of weird. I used to have a keep Santa Cruz weird sticker. Weird was cool. But the ship is really just garbage. That’s what it is. And I realize now why all the out of towners trash our beaches. Because the whole city looks like trash to them. Tk us, it’s natural treasure. But coming from a concrete city it looks like trash! That’s what it is. It’s so funny. It has taken me years to get it.


Last year at this time I was commuting. We would leave at 540 and get in and I’d make my oatmeal and a half decaf half hot water. And I loved it. And the signing bonus was huge, like double my salary, and right now I would be receiving it. But it doesn’t make a difference. It didn’t work out. I didn’t fit in. I’m unique. I felt coaster phobic.

So I think next happened. And now I’m wondering what on earth is next now?

I bought I saw Stacey yesterday. A lady was biking past me while I was driving. We exchanged looks for five seconds. I wasn’t really aware. I looked away because I couldn’t tell who it was. Then I thought it may have been her. I don’t know. It felt good whoever it was. I have no idea what is real anymore. I know God is real. And I a, becoming more real myself. And suddenly I’m surrounded by people who are in a video game. Tons are alcoholics too. They go to work, drink, sleep, and charge back to work, angry and empty. Church is good. It might not be perfect, but it’s way better than the alternatives.

is just funny because if I had wanted it that badly, I could have a million dollars in cash right now. If I stuck with my old job, and cashed out my house. But I don’t care about that. I care about recycling, and taking care of things. And everyone treats me like shit for taking care of shit. Haha! Oh but if I drove around a Maserati and everyone knew I had a million dollars they would respect me. Or that’s what it seems like. What do you have to do to be respected?

The truth

When amber was staying here I had to hide all the knives. And one day I came home and she had still managed to make this huge pot of vegetables… and there were all grated. Haha! And I thought it was the cutest thing ever. I really did. I mean that is just her life. She just keeps making do and making food for others no matter what society takes from her. It was just so strange but I really really respected her ability to just accept reality, oh, all the knives are gone, and not be ashamed, and just adjust. That to me is his peace is made.

And I am in love with Nadia. She’s 16 and she’s awesome. She talks to me. And we get along. And we have the same sense of humor. And she’s smart. And rich in enthusiasm for crafts, animals, and doing nothing. She has accepted herself. And she loves herself! And that’s great!

On track

I went to a swing class tonight. It was fun. People like me there. But I always end up dancing with the wrong people and they don’t want to dance with me. I think I give them too serious of a look or I actually don’t like them so I confuse them in the dance and make it awkward.

I didn’t have any caffeine today. No sugary sweets. No food past 7. I journaled. Went on a bike ride.

My life feels so empty. I think I am tired? Something does not seem right.

There’s two neighbors that really confuse me. I try to ignore them but they just yell my name louder. It’s known them both for atleast three years. But they still act like they don’t know me. Every time they want to talk it’s like they’ve never seen me before. It’s really weird. I’ll be doing the exact same things I’ve always done for the last eight years here, and they act like it’s something new. I don’t get it!!! I don’t want to talk to them.

Don’t they realize

How awesome life is? The world? The worms? The trees? The squirrels? The waves? The surf? The sailing? The trails? The parks? The restaurant?

That God loves them? They are accepted? They are blameless? Yes? No?