I was up in Sam Francisco today again looking at a sail boat. I think I saw her again. For real this time though. On the golden gate. It’s like we were made for each other. It’s really weird. Like I couldn’t possibly get away from her. Because at some point, I would see her again. And I would uncontrollably start walking towards her. It’s happened before.
I went to Mexico this weekend to build a house in Tijuana. It was incredible. I don’t know what it is. The team building. The work. The people. The home owners. The builders. The leaders. The kids. The food. It is an amazing trip. I can’t believe what happens on these trips. It’s so good. There is so much love. Seriously. On the way down, we stopped for meals. And they were good. They were good meals. People asked how I was. And would say great. I have been remodeling. Whatever that means. Re-modelling. I was never modeling in the first place. And my house is definitely not a model. But anyway, surfing, and biking, and I did a bike race, and reading, and making good Whole Foods. And then I almost blurred out, yeah and it’s basically all because of Stacey Peterson. But I feared a sheriff with handcuffs would appear out of nowhere and take me to jail if I said her name. So I didn’t. But was it her? All she did was talk about how she understood and then walk by and look me in the eye with her ponds of granite. I’ve met others like her. It’s quite remarkable. Amazing bodies and eyes of crystal. Anyway, the trip was very rejuvenating. I always feel bad because there is so much good there and I know I bring a lot of judgement to everyone everywhere I go. Why are making such an arrogant face or gesture? Why is everything such a mess here? Why are you all talking so much? I wish I could fit in better. But I want to focus and get things done! What’s all this small talk about? Can’t we get to the point? I am very to the point. And I like surfing the point as well.
What do you want?
I don’t know. Fries. A cheeseburger. And chicken nuggets. And ice cream. And one of those.
I’m trying to do my texture now. It was supposed to be a one day job. But once I started, then I started having more ideas. So I stopped and painted a few things to get an idea. Then I tried doing some pure flat wall in some areas and painting that. Then I tried mixing different muds together to see what that does. This whole ina is just painstaking. Who cares! Just get some stupid t3xture on the walls!! Oh my good ness.
I noticed timbuk2 altered their website. It is still top notch. Literally. It’s amazing. It’s like this evolving canvas. Sort of a blog but somehow relays an entire corporations products. It’s the expression of some subconscious. Who contains the meaning of biking.
I think she’s going to call me. But she’s crazy. She is. She owns a house in Tahoe I found out. Who does that?
There was a period there, after meeting Stacey, that I pushed everything and everyone out of my life, and all I had was a Facebook post from timbuk2 or giro snow to encourage me. And I was pretty sure she was behind those pages. And every now and then, we would post almost the same exact topic at the same exact time. And it was astonishing. Like some sort of mental connection or a God inspired coincidence of minds.
I was never thinking about marriage. I was just trying to ask her out, and I knew it was all or nothing for me. I had to be ready to lose my job because of it. And I was. Then she mentioned a commitment to engage. And I was utterly flattered. I was so focused on a date and dating. But she actually considered me as a serious partner? But I wasn’t going to let her have control. So I waited three months to get back to her on that. Then things got tricky. I did get back to her.
But then I was wildly intent on marriage because it sounded so good. And naturally I considered other awesome people too. And even tried to ask one or two out. That was a disaster. You can’t fake it. I was already committed.
I was 12 when my parents separated. That’s right when I got into music. And my mom got into really sentimental 80’s and 90’s girl rock songs. So now that’s my music style! It always has been. It’s really funny! What made your music style?
This is what happens. I will post something in my blog. And then in a few minutes, I’ll realize that timbuk2 just posted something eerily similar, almost at the exact same moment. This has happened quite a few times. It freaks me out.
I love her. I really do. It’s sort of bizarre but not really. I knew her the second I met her. It was like meeting me. It was very strange. We both knew what it meant. And I knew there would be some hard chapters. But we both knew what we meant, and that wondering what any of it meant was silly. I know what she meant.
I think I am ready for another sailboat. Simply because, I can have one in a good slip in the harbor, I am a good captain, people like to sail with me, I am good at it, and I enjoy it. So I was up in San Rafael area looking at a boat. And I saw about fifteen Stacey’s out riding their bikes. I couldn’t tell if any of them were actually her. I wish I could just talk to her. That’s all I wanted to do. It never worked out though. Every time I tried, I got overwhelmed. I think I could now. It seems like I am a horrible possible mate for her, if I get afraid to talk to her. She’s just really, really, good looking.
It feels like someone pulled my heart out through my stomach. Then fixed it. And then put it back in. And it feels better but it’s really raw. And weak.
I never understood what guys meant by “game” until I met Stacey. Whatever it is, I took it all the way. It turned into a relentless self realization that had no reservations. So I never needed her, whoever she is, and showered her with a full frontal and side attack of a complex language of complements and leadership. It was so intricate that I don’t think it actually came from me. I was saying and doing things that would benefit her five years later. Or so it seemed. It was pretty cool. I brought this so called game to some other women too and in some groups other men couldn’t even compete so they resorted to brutish and uncivil tactics to scare me away. But I thought is was about loving your brothers? I tried to teach them but they wouldn’t open up. But looking back I realize I was in effect courting ina similar manner as the book of the Song of Solomon. It was epic. And now I am seeing others start it a little too. It’s powerful. It’s emotionally risky. And it’s worth it.
Let’s up the game!!! Go for it! Flatter someone! Without expecting anything! You might get hurt. You might get embarrassed! You might sweat! And you might cry! And you,l definitely lose. But this where the healing begins! And the dopamine it releases, meaning the peace it brings, is awwwwessssooommmmeeee.
If you’re a guy and you’re mad at me, why don’t you learn how to do it too? It isn’t hard. It starts inside of you!
And as a physical benefit, they actually lose weight because they don’t feel like they have to carry the weight of your emotional baggage around and are freed up to live their own life! It’s funny, they’re so caring they will actually put on pounds because they get stuck worrying and caring about your nightmares! And they don’t even know it!
Its like this forever dialogue. Not necessarily forever like marriage. But like, hey, I’m staying ahead of you. Remembering what you told them years ago. Keeping a dialogue and language of themes, goals, and certain vocabulary going for years. And slowly developing it. Some concepts are a little too much for their little brains at first and it scares them. But slowly they’ll begin to trust you as they realize you’re confident in it.
And definitely realizing that they are bringing their own game. Their own themes and goals. And discovering what those are and acknowledging them. I’d say the best is discovering their deepest convictions and sources of meaning. And being willing to sacrifice for the betterment of them or the goal.
Wow, that was like a year of a sadistic NIGHTMARE. But I feel a lot better now. I was going crazy. Luckily I only broke a toe and nothing worse happened. I was a little haphazard. I am looking forward to a new job, and a more balanced life!