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Last year at this time I was commuting. We would leave at 540 and get in and I’d make my oatmeal and a half decaf half hot water. And I loved it. And the signing bonus was huge, like double my salary, and right now I would be receiving it. But it doesn’t make a difference. It didn’t work out. I didn’t fit in. I’m unique. I felt coaster phobic.

So I think next happened. And now I’m wondering what on earth is next now?

I bought I saw Stacey yesterday. A lady was biking past me while I was driving. We exchanged looks for five seconds. I wasn’t really aware. I looked away because I couldn’t tell who it was. Then I thought it may have been her. I don’t know. It felt good whoever it was. I have no idea what is real anymore. I know God is real. And I a, becoming more real myself. And suddenly I’m surrounded by people who are in a video game. Tons are alcoholics too. They go to work, drink, sleep, and charge back to work, angry and empty. Church is good. It might not be perfect, but it’s way better than the alternatives.

is just funny because if I had wanted it that badly, I could have a million dollars in cash right now. If I stuck with my old job, and cashed out my house. But I don’t care about that. I care about recycling, and taking care of things. And everyone treats me like shit for taking care of shit. Haha! Oh but if I drove around a Maserati and everyone knew I had a million dollars they would respect me. Or that’s what it seems like. What do you have to do to be respected?

The truth

When amber was staying here I had to hide all the knives. And one day I came home and she had still managed to make this huge pot of vegetables… and there were all grated. Haha! And I thought it was the cutest thing ever. I really did. I mean that is just her life. She just keeps making do and making food for others no matter what society takes from her. It was just so strange but I really really respected her ability to just accept reality, oh, all the knives are gone, and not be ashamed, and just adjust. That to me is his peace is made.

And I am in love with Nadia. She’s 16 and she’s awesome. She talks to me. And we get along. And we have the same sense of humor. And she’s smart. And rich in enthusiasm for crafts, animals, and doing nothing. She has accepted herself. And she loves herself! And that’s great!

On track

I went to a swing class tonight. It was fun. People like me there. But I always end up dancing with the wrong people and they don’t want to dance with me. I think I give them too serious of a look or I actually don’t like them so I confuse them in the dance and make it awkward.

I didn’t have any caffeine today. No sugary sweets. No food past 7. I journaled. Went on a bike ride.

My life feels so empty. I think I am tired? Something does not seem right.

There’s two neighbors that really confuse me. I try to ignore them but they just yell my name louder. It’s known them both for atleast three years. But they still act like they don’t know me. Every time they want to talk it’s like they’ve never seen me before. It’s really weird. I’ll be doing the exact same things I’ve always done for the last eight years here, and they act like it’s something new. I don’t get it!!! I don’t want to talk to them.

Don’t they realize

How awesome life is? The world? The worms? The trees? The squirrels? The waves? The surf? The sailing? The trails? The parks? The restaurant?

That God loves them? They are accepted? They are blameless? Yes? No?

Attack of the nightmare

It is weird how susceptible I am in to my joy being stolen. Other people have this ability to totally throw me off. As if I haven’t done anything good in the last 34 years. Just all bad. Today. It’s like today is all that matters to them. I am tired of these types of people. Maybe I should move to the foothills where the grass is green and the people are established. I am surrounded by people who aren’t established. Just constantly ping ponging every day. No direction. No structure. No plan. No hope. Just loss. Leave me alone! I just want to love myself and my house. And protect it and dignify it. It’s like it’s all of California. Maybe not. But maybe. Maybe it’s me too!

Details are difficult

Well atleast I am going to bed earlier. Not eating very well. Had a swig or coffee today too. I got my four new lighting circuits mostly installed. It was somewhat complicated. I have circuits running every which way, nine wires coming into one box at one point. It has four switches. One for front patio. One for back patio. One for the oak tree. And one for the security light. It also powers the attic light and the porch light. But it all figured out now. I can’t believe this whole thing is finishing. It’s amazing I r,ember when I got all the details dialed on my boat. It was incredible. Then I sold it to someone who could use it well. I needed the time to figure out this house. My tree is seriously encroaching on my yard. I need to trim it majorly. It has grown a Ton!!!

I had an amazing processing in therapy today. It was well needed. Beforehand I swung by my moms work and left an impromptu gift for my sister. Rice dream. We used to drink it as kids. It’s was her favorite. Haha. She loved that stuff. It felt good. I have been angry with my mom and it has caused a lot of fiction. But I’ve processed it in therapy. Now I’m just grateful.

I got home, ate some rice and beans, and just felt thankful that I even had the chance, the right, the freedom to process my anger with my mom. And I looked up and my little flag for Memorial Day was waving. And it was like I had never seen the flag before. Usually I look at it and it represents a party, li’ the Fourth of July, and celebration, and pride. Today. It looked humble. I saw the stars on it representing a union. The first of its kind. The star spangled banner. The song really drives home the humility of the people that fought that day, all they had to do was keep the flag up. And many died doing it. That is humility. And that is our flag.

Love the lord your god with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul

If you read the Bible long enough, try to do the above long enough, and attend mikes bible study long enough, the above phrase takes a new meaning. You start to realize this isn’t some cryptic rule book, nor an assemblage of quotable verses, and you start to forget everything you’ve ever known, been taught, or seen in movies or cartoons about it. For one, “the lord” is not the right word. It’s supposed to be his real name that they called him, that we don’t have a word for. YHWH. A real name. Like yours.

More importantly, this was a passage written by real people. And you start to feel a real connection to those people, ages ago. And start wondering, what actually happened here? Not as a fantasy. But for real. A voice from God and mountains shaking. For real. If it happened, it would have been a realistic experience. Nothing like what we all think in our heads or in movies.

It’s so easy to miss the real thing and replace it with our own fantasy. But if God is real, then he is right here. And he said, ages ago, to love him with all your heart, mind, and soul. Not as a commandment on a poster of ten rules. After an epic exodus of delivering people from slavery against all odds, he said it. To us.

Turn your handlebars

I read this exclamation, or instruction, somewhere a few months back. And it changed my riding on many levels. For one, turn your handlebars. Sometimes you have to go against what your body is saying and force those bars one way. Not too much. But sometimes you have to trust that the bike is doing something your body isn’t. But more fundamentally, it brought me back to childhood. When handlebars were a big deal! My first bike and my first handlebars. They were cool handlebars. And you could customize them. The word and the thing have gone long lost in my vision as an adult. I look at my bike and see routes, competition, times, hydration, an entire deal. But the pure joy and simplicity of childhood is where it’s at. I’ve tried to go so far beyond… only to realize, I don’t need to look much further than my cool handlebars on my bike.

Nudge nudge

My life is full of these people who just can’t quite make the transition. They’re almost over the hump but keep kind of backsliding and having to walk back home the hill. Maybe that’s me a little. But it was years ago that I got to the top of the big hump. And started being happy. Being grateful. I’m going to put up a giant sign that says be grateful.

What happens next?

It was five or six years ago, Stacey, Mary, and Martin set a precedent that I believe lead to a national movement against sexual harassment and sexual assault. And I played my part by telling the truth and spreading the word. Then a bunch of good happened on my life and I was sitting around, wondering what’s next. Then amber wandered into my path and I did my part there. That was crazy. It was huge for me. Now I’m sitting with an insulated house wondering what on earth could be next. And I think I’m going to be a little more intentional about it. I want my church to grow. To attract and accept more people. Tk be cleaner and more organized. To have more events. And well planned events. I want the wawc to use their garden. And I want to have a job. And bike more. And do more races. And journal more. And eat less. Haha. And make my house nicer. A better expression of me. And I want to give my car to Nadia when she can drive. And build a paddle board. And build a sailboat. And employ people to build those things. And start a side business of custom fiberglass somethings and employ ed and amber.