The problem

You fix a few things, and now the little problems with everything else become apparent. And it’s this never ending cycle of improving this, improving that, improving this again. And on and on. I spent three days redoing the laundry plumbing because I didn’t like how it was. And I didn’t want to run the vent straight out the roof, so that took a few hours figuring out how to run it under the roof and over. And I took a horse riding lesson and a swing lesson. I suppose I should have taken a sailing lesson way back when. But I knew everything. It was just that when the rudder broke I forgot I had made a spare rudder. Oh that one really killed my ego. Today I took it easy. Cleaned out Ambers car. I have a need to take care of people. Yesterday I rode to Ben Lomond with James. It was amazing. There were so many epic spots. An overlook. The river. Roaring camp. Felton and all the people out strolling. Quail hollow. Fresh oranges off the tree. Oh it was good. That’s a ride for real. Today I did my laundry. It was frantic because all my shirts were dirty and I need my laundry!!! It took a week to finish all that! I don’t know why. Extremely painful therapy session today. Definitely bogged me down for the last week. Everything takes time. But my house. If I had just started from scratch. Lesson learned. The future is now! What does it hold? I’m excited to see! Who knows! Anything is possible! I’mpossible!

Slow day

Today was molasses! I didn’t get anything done!all I want to do is get my subfloor back in and the heater working! But now I want to do the laundry a little differently and on and on and on. This is crazy! But this is it so I really want to do it well. It’s like I’ve grown a lot again and now I’m looking at myself like, what? What did you do for the last six months? After all that there should be a second story and a whole lot more on this house! But I needed time. It’s like this hole forgotten childhood is coming back. The wonder years. Camping trips. Friends. Birthdays. Teachers. Biking. Parks. And simultaneously I keep renewing myself so everything I once heard dear is different. Like I was once in a.p groove and now all of those things are different. I’m almost neurotic. I feel like I can’t get traction!!!

I remember she said she wanted to go to the tracks. The people there were her preferred friends. I was horrified and angry. I had just spent a lot getting her to health and she wanted to go hang out with the lazy, addicted addicts at the tracks?! What? But I could understand. They were warm and mostly gentle people who didn’t have anything to prove. They just stuck to the themselves. I found her originally pedaling around on a too small bike, with her hood on. That’s what she wanted to be. Half four year old, half teenager, grungy and lost. That’s how she felt inside obviously. It was really cute. She was really expressive of how she felt. I guess I can’t change her. It just didn’t seem right for someone who was so vulnerable to be sleeping in the woods. She was really resourceful. Always finding little trinkets and making things out of them. I always wondered what they thought or what they saw. Especially in their things. Because they were always putting things together in this way that was odd but seemed to have meaning to them. The usually stick propping out, some metallic object weaved around something else. I think it’s a spiritual thing to them. They think they are fighting these spirits. It’s so sad and helpless. It’s infuriating.

Did she consider me?

I had to wonder if if she ever considered me. I was just some loser living in a run down bungalow with no heating who happened to see her wandering into the forest as I was returning from my epic night bike ride, and offered her a room to stay in with an electric radiator. The problem was that the only reason I had extra to give was because all I did was work, I didn’t know how to be a friend for real. To me being a friend meant giving something, or listening, or pushing people to work themselves. And yes she clearly does not have a job, but I didn’t trust her. I could have. I easily could have looked past the accusation she made and chosen to beat it with care. Instead I was trigger happy. Just waiting to kick her out almost! Was that why I invited her in the first place? Or anyone else? But I had rules. No drugs. And it seemed like she was on drugs. And I had seen a meth pipe. Was it just meth? Is it that simple? But she seemed mostly believable when she said it wasn’t. But I also knew that if anyone had done it a few times, they were either addicted or a recovered addict. And she was not a recovered addict. She hadn’t even taken the first step. And she may never. So how far are you willing to go to keep someone from hurting themselves? For me, it was a female to male allegation that reminded me of courts, sheriffs, and sentences. But that was just her language. I don’t think she would actually talk to the police. But if she did, there was no proof either way. And she had yelled it out in the middle of the night. You put your hands on me! I can’t deal with that. But now who knows where she, someone’s beloved daughter, is sleeping. That’s how I saw it. This was another mans cherished angel! I could tell amidst her wounds she had been loved. I wanted to help more for him then even for her!

Every time it rains

At night all I can think about is what she is doing! I know tons of homeless and they all make tents and things and find cover. But her brain inside was so haywire that I worried. She might be just be lying in the Forrest somewhere. She always had a cold when she arrived. It was better by the time she left. She used to be a completely normal person. I was such an idiot when I first met her I wanted to blame her situation on her world views. That doesn’t matter! What matters is proper nutrition and a dry place to sleep! Even if she acted utterly absurd, she took care of things everywhere she went. Plants. Animals. My teddy bear. It really touched me that she took care of my teddy bear! Ohhhh I can’t stand this! It’s like something has taken a person and has them in its grip and is pure evil. I am pretty sure, the impression I get, is that someone actually sucked her into this. She didn’t want it. And now she can’t escape. Is this all a metaphor for me? Is there a part of me that feels like that too? She really cherished things. Like some string peas she left in my fridge. I was in such a dizzy trying to get my house framed that I didn’t care about string peas! But I had them today. They’re very full of life. Slightly translucent. Crunchy. Moist. Rich.

I prayed that I could take her pain away. It was so much pain! That if I could suffer for her that it would give her strength. I’ve prayed this about a lot of people. Maybe that is why I was so down today. It was like my mind was boggled. I don’t know why I prayed that except that I grew through so much pain, and then I had my good time. I had my boat and it was epic. Those couple of years leading up to getting hired at intuitive surgical were just amazing. And then I chose to give things up! Like the boat. So others could enjoy those things! And that’s a good thing! I got my growth. And I grew! And I have my strength! And now I’m taking dance classes and riding horses! But I saw her pain. Nobody deserves that. And I would forfeit my Life to have that taken away!

A bigger picture

Well I’ve been paying to see myself better. And it Ouse isn’t so spectacular anymore. Nor does t matter as much anymore. What matters is that I have a heart. That I cherish life and cherish strong peas. That I take the vigor and excitement I have about sailing and apply that to everything. And… everyone. But I hate people. They hurt me badly. I’m not as great as I used to think I am. But I love to run. And I love to bike. And my bike needs some work. I destroyed its wheel on Zane grey trail. Oh man. And the other one needs a new chain. Tomorrow will be a big day. It is weird I had all this excitement about my house, up until getting some things signed off, and now it’s like, oh ok this is it! It isn’t as big as it used to seem. But it’s still a cute little house. A platform, I always called it. A platform for sailing.

Don’t judge me

The last tim Sean called me for help he was stuck at a gas station with no gas and no money. Sean, WOE? What On Earth????? I didn’t want to get him without an explanation. He replied, Kyle, don’t judge me. That isn’t what matters right now. What matters right now is that I need someone to pick me up. I told him I was at work and I’ll call him at 5. I wanted to make him wait there for a few hours. I called him at 5 and he was still there. So I went and got him and we went camping at Benecia. Honestly, I think I barely missed whatever it is that destroys their lives because I get afraid of a big monster too. It’s triggering things that scare me. I don’t want to face the day half the time. I want to just let go of everything and los everything and have people come save me. My friends pulled me out of the mud a number of times in high school with our trucks. I have also pulled quite a few people out too. I feel guilty about it though. I think that is what it is. An attitude of guilt! It’s depressing! And suppressing! Like verything has always been my fault and people pick up on that and add to it!!

She hasn’t come by

She hasn’t come by again. When I made her leave I was really mad and very serious about her leaving. I got her car working, pulled it down the street and said I don’t care if your car gets towed or what happens, you have to get off my property now. She tried calling me today from a mechanic but I missed the call. The last time I asked Sean to leave, I knew I was saying goodbye forever. I warned him, if he didn’t choose real help he was going to die. I knew if I kept giving him logistical support he would still crash. When I realized six months later that he did die, I didn’t know what to think. I think I was the only person that knew he had already tried to commit suicide. When he told me everything including him was so crazy that I didn’t know what to think except that the strength to survive had to come from within him. A subtle strength based on love from the bottom of his heart. I tried to show him my form of that love by listening and empathizing. I don’t know if I could imagine a woman going through the same pain and sorrow. It is agonizing to see. I think that is why he was shot. It’s just so agonizing! You just want it to stop. But he trusted me for some reason. He knew I had made choices to get real. And he respected that. She actually told me she knows she’s going to die from it. I don’t want that to happen but I don’t think I can fight it! I found her car two days ago and left her soup in a jar, a note, a flashlight, and her Wellbutrin. Sean was also taking Wellbutrin. She has it for depression. I told her don’t worry about depression, just stay at my place and sleep all day for a few weeks, no one is judging you. Sometimes your body just needs that! It was almost like he came to me because he knew he was going to die! And I knew the right things to say to make sure his soul was right before hand. Maybe I’m dying too! I don’t know. Maybe we’re ALL dying!

A broken understanding

It’s international women’s day. And I either failed miserably or I did the best I could. I tell the truth and I don’t hold back. Everyone else seems to think you have to be patient and understand your audience. But how does that empower them? I push for action. Make a choice. Don’t stagnate. Keep moving. And remember, this is the United States. There a pre legal definitions that govern our community. And they give strength in subtle way if you trust them. But if you try to have inauthentic strength, watch out, because it will get tested.

I realize I could work better at accepting others. I have a lot of unacceptables. And then I judge people for them.

Broken

Ohhh everything has changed again. I am mad at the world.

While Amber was staying here I fasted for three days and prayed a lot. I thought it might help. Something was controlling her. I can’t stand seeing that in someone. I would give away everything to free someone.

I did a practice lap on the old old cabin classic race route today. I hadn’t ridden in a week and since fasting. I barely did one hour over the 11 mile course. Which actually isn’t bad. But I thought I could do a lot better. I rode my cross bike. It was a ton of fun. I might try my mountain bike. It’s heavier but has a better riding position for the uphill. But it would be so cool to race that trail on a cross bike. Haha! Just for fun! Oh man. I got a flat but I got someone to patch me up. I got the flat at the top. I literally put my bike down and laid down in the weeds. That’s definitely my favorite thing to do. Just collapse into the weeds. That’s where I could hide when I was a kid. And be free.

I have all brand new subfloor and a nice kitchen layout. So I’m moving things around like the table that I traded a bunch of pavers for and the couch. Got rid of a bunch of old magazines. It’s really nice! This house might actually be a really nice house! I just waiting for my approval letter so I can schedule inspections and get the drywall back on!!!!

It’s funny once you start doing a lot the little details don’t matter so much anymore because you have confidence and experience. The details are still important but my project planning capabilities have already accounted for them plus back up plans, and sometimes it’s nice to let things just happen. In fact that’s my whole life. I let things happen. Except for drinking drinks from strangers. That’s the one thing.

The only problem is I got this giant wood stove for free but I can’t figure out where it could fit. It would be so great to have one in here. I guess I could put it in and try it out for a while.

I’m on this kick where if I haven’t used something in a month, then it’s gone. So everything wends up getting installed or getting recycled. Which is awesome!!!!! It gives me a strong sense of clarity. I can actually be more present!!