Bring your shoes

Well I’ve started carrying my running shoes when I go biking so I can run home after my bike breaks. It adds a little weight but saves a lot of time.

Every time I have to decide to help amber I usually think no. I am enabling this person who won’t relax and not ditch their car keys somewhere where they can never be found and then lose the second set as well. And what message am I sending to other people who care about me and do take care of themselves? And she’s probably a witch anyway, I’m just caught in some satanic trap. But then I realize I spend more time worrying about it and deciding than if I just went and got her again. Or visited her in the hospital. She’s just a person. Massively struggling. And I can help right now.

God is good

And so are you. If I had a gift, it would be peace making. Not always. But so many times ill be sitting listening to someone ranting and screaming and ignoring all of it and just gently saying, yeah, but don’t you do love him? What is the right thing to do? Like I could be in Vietnam on the ground, quietly convincing people to stop shooting each other, bullets flying, mortars exploding, saying, come on guys, were in the mud, but don’t you like that feeling of it between your toes? And showing them pictures of each others families and their kids riding bikes. This is a lot of my life. It’s why I burst out in laughter all the time. It’s just so absurd. We are all absurd and crazy.

Off balance?

My cyclocross derailleur blew apart today going uphill. I was going pretty good. My other bike, it’s rear wheel was way out of true and getting stuck on the frame. I trued the wheel. Which was a wonderful exercise. But then the wheels axle cassette thing is clunking and it gets stuck. So the wheel won’t turn. I recall about eight years ago I decided to never race. I didn’t want to afford it. And now I remember that. It’s expensive! You either have to have a top of the line bike or replace everything constantly. I should have just stuck with the plan. Just ride and then ride the race like your riding! Take 40th place. Someone has to. It might save your knees in the long run. So now … do I back off and take it easy?

How to stop identifying with the 20 year olds

Ohhh they all smile at me and think I’m they’re best friend. No! You don’t understand me! I’m not like you! I don’t think like you. At all. My priorities and goals are completely different. I am capable of facing myself, the truth, and taking care of my own needs on a n entirely different level than you. I am focused on being a good father and supporting others. In real tangible ways. I don’t like your girlfriend. I just see small people who could easily be taken advantage of and I am here to provide oversight, protection, and even be a liaison if needed. That’s it. That’s all I think about. Literally. Nothing else. Progress.

Getting there

Ok well I seem to be understanding a lot of things a lot better. I used to be so angry and I would just wake up and go. I have been experiencing an immense amount of grace.

Getting back to business

I was back at it today. Electrician came and installed a new panel. Inspector inspected it and signed off my rough electrical. Pge came out and hooked up the power. I also delivered a bag of food to someone in need. Went for a run. Ran a new circuit. Selected cabinets. Made little concrete bases for my posts. Tidied up the yard. Got my transmission fluid level dialed. Also did a job on my cycle cross bike two days ago. Cleaned her. Finished off the ends of the cables. And dialed a few other things. Totally nailed my ride yesterday. Hoping to get atleast a new rear tire before the old cabin classic. I have no idea how I am going to do two laps. At all. I also put a new corner trim on my house … it’s like a brand new house. This whole thing is almost finished. So close. So close.

When I let myself have thoughts

This whole constant meditation thing is good. Wow. When I now let myself have thoughts, it’s a nightmare. I look at every single person around. If they are small and look vulnerable, I think they need to be saved. And I want to save all of them. If they are bigger than me or seem to have more, they are a threat. If they are tailgating me, they are a threat. If I see anything mechanical I stare at it intensely imagining how it works. It goes on and on. I have a lot of unnecessary thoughts. A lot about saving people. Everyone. They need me! They need my attention! So now getting around town is a lot easier.

It’s just me, and me meeting my needs.

State of mind

So apparently when she called me to get a ride from jail, she walked to Dominican. She asked me for a ride to Dominican. But I didn’t think it was that serious. That’s the thing with her. She actually being honest. She doesn’t realize what is going on with her. So she checked in to Dominican for injuries and they sent her to the psyche hospital. That’s how I felt when I first saw her. But now I know how to get her to the hospital.

The problem

My main problem currently is I am not getting 5ings down on paper. So I wake up and I’m just stuck. Over burdened. All these hints going on in my mind. So I sat down this morning and wrote down everything I know about Amber. This was good. I relayed it to the social worker at the hospital she is currently in. Then I wrote out things I want to do at my house. Not need to, want to. Then plans for my work. And scheduled things. Oh this was seriously holding me back. Next, my mind is wandering way too much. I realized this after reading about meditation. It said if you have a thought, ack owledge it, and then clear your mind. I did this today for ten minutes parked in public. I started realizing how many wasteful, unnecessary distracting, and useless thoughts I have about each person, each car. Doing this exercise helped me focus. While I drove home, I continued the exercise. And I was free. It was just me. Driving. Smiling. And going somewhere. And I saw how many people are constantly trapped in this mannerism of takin care of everyone. And there’s no need for it. Just drive where you need to go. Ask for help when you need it. That’s what I need to hear right now. I’m constantly trying to please everyone, in case I ever need help. Bu I don’t need help right now. Do I have to please everyone? I’ll still help you regenerate you really need help regardless.

Trail riding reset

Well I’m went dirt biking with the Ruts in hollister. They loaned me two different bikes and I went in two rides today. You could put me on any bike and I’d have a blast. It was a ton of fun. There’s something about me and two wheels and engines. Wow. We went up hills through rugs around turns off camber turns berms jumps downhills rocks faces trails it was good. I love doing sweep, you go and collect all the signs for the route. It’s technical and you have to be good at getting your bike right in the right spot to stop it and balance and get the sign. Then stuff them all in your pouch and everyone thinks your special because you’ve got s pouch full of trail markers. Then off you go! Roll into first gently. Then second. Then third. Then hammer it. Up the hill. Bumps? More throttle and hold on and keep the front going straight. The fourth. Ohhhh. Or on a level trail fifth and sixth! Ohhh and the engine, two or four stroke, just purrs right up to red line. And instinctively you know where to shift. Then down hill. A little crazy. Bike flopping around. No engine. Barely getting any traction. Then around a turn and hit flat ground again and pin it!!!