Every time it rains

At night all I can think about is what she is doing! I know tons of homeless and they all make tents and things and find cover. But her brain inside was so haywire that I worried. She might be just be lying in the Forrest somewhere. She always had a cold when she arrived. It was better by the time she left. She used to be a completely normal person. I was such an idiot when I first met her I wanted to blame her situation on her world views. That doesn’t matter! What matters is proper nutrition and a dry place to sleep! Even if she acted utterly absurd, she took care of things everywhere she went. Plants. Animals. My teddy bear. It really touched me that she took care of my teddy bear! Ohhhh I can’t stand this! It’s like something has taken a person and has them in its grip and is pure evil. I am pretty sure, the impression I get, is that someone actually sucked her into this. She didn’t want it. And now she can’t escape. Is this all a metaphor for me? Is there a part of me that feels like that too? She really cherished things. Like some string peas she left in my fridge. I was in such a dizzy trying to get my house framed that I didn’t care about string peas! But I had them today. They’re very full of life. Slightly translucent. Crunchy. Moist. Rich.

I prayed that I could take her pain away. It was so much pain! That if I could suffer for her that it would give her strength. I’ve prayed this about a lot of people. Maybe that is why I was so down today. It was like my mind was boggled. I don’t know why I prayed that except that I grew through so much pain, and then I had my good time. I had my boat and it was epic. Those couple of years leading up to getting hired at intuitive surgical were just amazing. And then I chose to give things up! Like the boat. So others could enjoy those things! And that’s a good thing! I got my growth. And I grew! And I have my strength! And now I’m taking dance classes and riding horses! But I saw her pain. Nobody deserves that. And I would forfeit my Life to have that taken away!

A bigger picture

Well I’ve been paying to see myself better. And it Ouse isn’t so spectacular anymore. Nor does t matter as much anymore. What matters is that I have a heart. That I cherish life and cherish strong peas. That I take the vigor and excitement I have about sailing and apply that to everything. And… everyone. But I hate people. They hurt me badly. I’m not as great as I used to think I am. But I love to run. And I love to bike. And my bike needs some work. I destroyed its wheel on Zane grey trail. Oh man. And the other one needs a new chain. Tomorrow will be a big day. It is weird I had all this excitement about my house, up until getting some things signed off, and now it’s like, oh ok this is it! It isn’t as big as it used to seem. But it’s still a cute little house. A platform, I always called it. A platform for sailing.

Don’t judge me

The last tim Sean called me for help he was stuck at a gas station with no gas and no money. Sean, WOE? What On Earth????? I didn’t want to get him without an explanation. He replied, Kyle, don’t judge me. That isn’t what matters right now. What matters right now is that I need someone to pick me up. I told him I was at work and I’ll call him at 5. I wanted to make him wait there for a few hours. I called him at 5 and he was still there. So I went and got him and we went camping at Benecia. Honestly, I think I barely missed whatever it is that destroys their lives because I get afraid of a big monster too. It’s triggering things that scare me. I don’t want to face the day half the time. I want to just let go of everything and los everything and have people come save me. My friends pulled me out of the mud a number of times in high school with our trucks. I have also pulled quite a few people out too. I feel guilty about it though. I think that is what it is. An attitude of guilt! It’s depressing! And suppressing! Like verything has always been my fault and people pick up on that and add to it!!

She hasn’t come by

She hasn’t come by again. When I made her leave I was really mad and very serious about her leaving. I got her car working, pulled it down the street and said I don’t care if your car gets towed or what happens, you have to get off my property now. She tried calling me today from a mechanic but I missed the call. The last time I asked Sean to leave, I knew I was saying goodbye forever. I warned him, if he didn’t choose real help he was going to die. I knew if I kept giving him logistical support he would still crash. When I realized six months later that he did die, I didn’t know what to think. I think I was the only person that knew he had already tried to commit suicide. When he told me everything including him was so crazy that I didn’t know what to think except that the strength to survive had to come from within him. A subtle strength based on love from the bottom of his heart. I tried to show him my form of that love by listening and empathizing. I don’t know if I could imagine a woman going through the same pain and sorrow. It is agonizing to see. I think that is why he was shot. It’s just so agonizing! You just want it to stop. But he trusted me for some reason. He knew I had made choices to get real. And he respected that. She actually told me she knows she’s going to die from it. I don’t want that to happen but I don’t think I can fight it! I found her car two days ago and left her soup in a jar, a note, a flashlight, and her Wellbutrin. Sean was also taking Wellbutrin. She has it for depression. I told her don’t worry about depression, just stay at my place and sleep all day for a few weeks, no one is judging you. Sometimes your body just needs that! It was almost like he came to me because he knew he was going to die! And I knew the right things to say to make sure his soul was right before hand. Maybe I’m dying too! I don’t know. Maybe we’re ALL dying!

A broken understanding

It’s international women’s day. And I either failed miserably or I did the best I could. I tell the truth and I don’t hold back. Everyone else seems to think you have to be patient and understand your audience. But how does that empower them? I push for action. Make a choice. Don’t stagnate. Keep moving. And remember, this is the United States. There a pre legal definitions that govern our community. And they give strength in subtle way if you trust them. But if you try to have inauthentic strength, watch out, because it will get tested.

I realize I could work better at accepting others. I have a lot of unacceptables. And then I judge people for them.

Broken

Ohhh everything has changed again. I am mad at the world.

While Amber was staying here I fasted for three days and prayed a lot. I thought it might help. Something was controlling her. I can’t stand seeing that in someone. I would give away everything to free someone.

I did a practice lap on the old old cabin classic race route today. I hadn’t ridden in a week and since fasting. I barely did one hour over the 11 mile course. Which actually isn’t bad. But I thought I could do a lot better. I rode my cross bike. It was a ton of fun. I might try my mountain bike. It’s heavier but has a better riding position for the uphill. But it would be so cool to race that trail on a cross bike. Haha! Just for fun! Oh man. I got a flat but I got someone to patch me up. I got the flat at the top. I literally put my bike down and laid down in the weeds. That’s definitely my favorite thing to do. Just collapse into the weeds. That’s where I could hide when I was a kid. And be free.

I have all brand new subfloor and a nice kitchen layout. So I’m moving things around like the table that I traded a bunch of pavers for and the couch. Got rid of a bunch of old magazines. It’s really nice! This house might actually be a really nice house! I just waiting for my approval letter so I can schedule inspections and get the drywall back on!!!!

It’s funny once you start doing a lot the little details don’t matter so much anymore because you have confidence and experience. The details are still important but my project planning capabilities have already accounted for them plus back up plans, and sometimes it’s nice to let things just happen. In fact that’s my whole life. I let things happen. Except for drinking drinks from strangers. That’s the one thing.

The only problem is I got this giant wood stove for free but I can’t figure out where it could fit. It would be so great to have one in here. I guess I could put it in and try it out for a while.

I’m on this kick where if I haven’t used something in a month, then it’s gone. So everything wends up getting installed or getting recycled. Which is awesome!!!!! It gives me a strong sense of clarity. I can actually be more present!!

More gas in the lines

Well the last week was a flurry. I pulled it my floors, cleaned them up, pulled out the subfloor, pulled out the old gas lines, re ran new 1″ gas line which my instant hit water heater LOVES, then sisters ina bunch of supporting joists and blocking, cleaned the crawl space and finished laying down plastic, then put in new subfloor. Oh yeah and replumbed the kitchen. So now the appliances are all in their new spots and the floor is back. It’s a really good layout. The kitchen is much more of a cottage kitchen and accessible and everything, between the new joists and the layout feels much better supported. And big gas lines. The gas lines were $300 in total. Definitely a good investment. Oh and that feeling when you get the joint doped up all good and cleanly and then twist them to a perfect fit. And get all the lengths to work out correctly.

It would have been nice to borrow and extra fifty thousand and just have someone redo this whole place from t(e beginning. But I couldn’t find a layout that was good and remain living here. But it’s been an 8 year journey of sailing and beach and friends staying here so I think it was worth it. This place could be a two story epic cottage. But for now it’s still a great little bungalow thing. With new gas lines! Oh and I got the meter to stand a little prouder and be better supported. The only thing was this was all illegal I did it before getting the permit. But I had to fix it! And I don’t m is what the inspector is going t say because he’ll have to go under the house under all the new flooring. He won’t like that I hear. I may FaceTime him from under the house so I can just crawl around and show him everything.

Mediation

What’s my favorite thing? Mediation.

This is the deal! I thought I had agreed to marry Stacey Peterson from Giro. And it was either nothing or it was everything. It was nothing in that it was my perception of a few mutually audible conversations that occurred at work when Stacey and I sat in cubicle groups next to each other, our two teams having alternating conversations and meetings that could be overheard. And my perception could have meant nothing if it didn’t mean anything to her. But if it did have the same meaning to her, than it was everything! And I wanted to honor the agreement and also make her honor it too. And I did not want to die and face not honoring the biggest promise you can make!

But I was starting to think, maybe it was nothing to her? Which is fine. But I was willing to wait to talk to her to find out. Because what if she had the same intention? That would be so cool! What a story! But four or five years later, as it is now, I have no clue. I don’t know if she was on the same page. Everything definitely indicated otherwise. And that made it weird because I had fantasized about having a life with her. And that’s kind of disrespectful. But I suppose I had fantasized haven’t sharing a life with a few choice people. Like sizing them up. Could it work?

All I know right now is I need to finish my house. I might sell it then, I don’t know. Then I need to start work. Then in May supposedly there will be a meeting where this elusive person is supposed to discuss things with me. And then, I will be a free man. Either free to date someone else or free to marry her.

Amber was changing her clothes outside of the bathroom. That is against the rules. I wanted to scream get out of my house you wacko! She is obnoxious. But instead I went in my room and closed the door for a few minutes. I had thought this must be better here than sleeping the the cold Forrest with poison oak and men trying to have sex with her and getting fractured bones. But my place is torn apart, she has no real bed, the heating is out right now, and she’s really obsessed with getting her car back. Getting her car means dmv, then trio to San Jose to have a key made from the vin, then me loaning 1500 to get the car. All in the hopes that she doesn’t flip out and lose her car again. I am learning that stolen generally means she flipped out and lost something. It is not clear how this occurs as I haven’t witnessed it, but I assume she runs somewhere, ditches something like her backpack or car, and then runs away and changes her clothing so the monster can’t find her. It’s the same reason it took me three days to find her. But I did.

So tomorrow, my plan was to get the floor back in and heating. But now I have to discuss with my adopted person, what’s more important to her? Heating, car, or bed?the car may be out of the question because I don’t know if I can loan that. And what does it gain her? Maybe she wanted to lose the car. Maybe that means something.

If I hadn’t taken her in, none of this would matter. I wouldn’t have to be patient. I wouldn’t have to accommodate her. I would just finish my project and think about the future. I really can’t decide what’s better.

Entirely new day

I don’t know exactly what is going on, but I am definitely fighting some kind of internal battle. And it has been relentless. In the last week everything has changed for me. That’s the danger of seeing a counselor. But it’s good. I feel self fulfilled. Which is important.

For me to be present inside my own body and emotionator and feel power over myself, separate, in control, and focused, is intensely painful. Hence I have avoided my entire life. I have always been able to be present, and I do it by sort of focusing on my legs and doing this mental push inside, I can’t explain it. I do something that forces my focus. And it hurts so bad! It feels like I am being electrocuted, and if I really get in to it, my legal and arms start convulsing. If I do this for ten seconds, it hurts so badly and that’s all I can handle. But it gives me an awareness. If I don’t do it, I lose self awareness and I start being codependent and worrying more about other people who I can’t change instead of myself. This week for some reason I was able to do this a lot. It hurts so badly. But after a minute of shaking it stops and I feel an intense calm and feel normal and release all my pain and anger and start remembering my whole life and all the good and good people. I go from freaking out to living in reality. I’ve been doing it so much that now it doesn’t hurt to do it anymore and I am practicing constantly doing it. I am aware, and focused, and present! It’s good!

The truth is that I think it is a physical trauma from being electrocuted. I remember being subjected to this weird little gray metal box that my dad used to brain wash me. It is crazy and I do remember this happening. It’s funny because he used to always blame my mom for brain washing me. Haha! He would shock me pretty hard, and used it to reinforce verbal commands like you are useless. You are wrong. You are sick. Etc. a few years back I also realized that I was sent to the hospital for electric shock when I was a kid! But my mom can’t really explain why! My dad also did verbal training with our parrot. He had this nifty tape deck that could loop, and he would record something on it and it would play over and over for the parrot. He also had a book on hypnosis. He had a lot of very strange things. Penis pencils. Little boxes that talked dirty words. Child pornography. Handcuffs. Whips. A box of sex toys that mom said she saw but didn’t have any affiliation with. It is crazy And it is all good now! And if I can, I’m going to destroy his fantasy! 🙂

What happened was wrong, and sadistic, and sick! But it is all OK now. Everything is OK. I have myself and I am in control. I can protect myself and take care of myself. And I’m happy! Yesterday I rode a horse! And we cantered and trotted in circles and figure eights. It was epic!!!

Simply sailing

It used to just be me, my boat, the mike buoy, and the fog horn. And then things got CONPLICATED. And I don’t know why! I don’t ever want to go crazy again!