Attack of the nightmare

It is weird how susceptible I am in to my joy being stolen. Other people have this ability to totally throw me off. As if I haven’t done anything good in the last 34 years. Just all bad. Today. It’s like today is all that matters to them. I am tired of these types of people. Maybe I should move to the foothills where the grass is green and the people are established. I am surrounded by people who aren’t established. Just constantly ping ponging every day. No direction. No structure. No plan. No hope. Just loss. Leave me alone! I just want to love myself and my house. And protect it and dignify it. It’s like it’s all of California. Maybe not. But maybe. Maybe it’s me too!

Details are difficult

Well atleast I am going to bed earlier. Not eating very well. Had a swig or coffee today too. I got my four new lighting circuits mostly installed. It was somewhat complicated. I have circuits running every which way, nine wires coming into one box at one point. It has four switches. One for front patio. One for back patio. One for the oak tree. And one for the security light. It also powers the attic light and the porch light. But it all figured out now. I can’t believe this whole thing is finishing. It’s amazing I r,ember when I got all the details dialed on my boat. It was incredible. Then I sold it to someone who could use it well. I needed the time to figure out this house. My tree is seriously encroaching on my yard. I need to trim it majorly. It has grown a Ton!!!

I had an amazing processing in therapy today. It was well needed. Beforehand I swung by my moms work and left an impromptu gift for my sister. Rice dream. We used to drink it as kids. It’s was her favorite. Haha. She loved that stuff. It felt good. I have been angry with my mom and it has caused a lot of fiction. But I’ve processed it in therapy. Now I’m just grateful.

I got home, ate some rice and beans, and just felt thankful that I even had the chance, the right, the freedom to process my anger with my mom. And I looked up and my little flag for Memorial Day was waving. And it was like I had never seen the flag before. Usually I look at it and it represents a party, li’ the Fourth of July, and celebration, and pride. Today. It looked humble. I saw the stars on it representing a union. The first of its kind. The star spangled banner. The song really drives home the humility of the people that fought that day, all they had to do was keep the flag up. And many died doing it. That is humility. And that is our flag.

Love the lord your god with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul

If you read the Bible long enough, try to do the above long enough, and attend mikes bible study long enough, the above phrase takes a new meaning. You start to realize this isn’t some cryptic rule book, nor an assemblage of quotable verses, and you start to forget everything you’ve ever known, been taught, or seen in movies or cartoons about it. For one, “the lord” is not the right word. It’s supposed to be his real name that they called him, that we don’t have a word for. YHWH. A real name. Like yours.

More importantly, this was a passage written by real people. And you start to feel a real connection to those people, ages ago. And start wondering, what actually happened here? Not as a fantasy. But for real. A voice from God and mountains shaking. For real. If it happened, it would have been a realistic experience. Nothing like what we all think in our heads or in movies.

It’s so easy to miss the real thing and replace it with our own fantasy. But if God is real, then he is right here. And he said, ages ago, to love him with all your heart, mind, and soul. Not as a commandment on a poster of ten rules. After an epic exodus of delivering people from slavery against all odds, he said it. To us.

Turn your handlebars

I read this exclamation, or instruction, somewhere a few months back. And it changed my riding on many levels. For one, turn your handlebars. Sometimes you have to go against what your body is saying and force those bars one way. Not too much. But sometimes you have to trust that the bike is doing something your body isn’t. But more fundamentally, it brought me back to childhood. When handlebars were a big deal! My first bike and my first handlebars. They were cool handlebars. And you could customize them. The word and the thing have gone long lost in my vision as an adult. I look at my bike and see routes, competition, times, hydration, an entire deal. But the pure joy and simplicity of childhood is where it’s at. I’ve tried to go so far beyond… only to realize, I don’t need to look much further than my cool handlebars on my bike.

Nudge nudge

My life is full of these people who just can’t quite make the transition. They’re almost over the hump but keep kind of backsliding and having to walk back home the hill. Maybe that’s me a little. But it was years ago that I got to the top of the big hump. And started being happy. Being grateful. I’m going to put up a giant sign that says be grateful.

What happens next?

It was five or six years ago, Stacey, Mary, and Martin set a precedent that I believe lead to a national movement against sexual harassment and sexual assault. And I played my part by telling the truth and spreading the word. Then a bunch of good happened on my life and I was sitting around, wondering what’s next. Then amber wandered into my path and I did my part there. That was crazy. It was huge for me. Now I’m sitting with an insulated house wondering what on earth could be next. And I think I’m going to be a little more intentional about it. I want my church to grow. To attract and accept more people. Tk be cleaner and more organized. To have more events. And well planned events. I want the wawc to use their garden. And I want to have a job. And bike more. And do more races. And journal more. And eat less. Haha. And make my house nicer. A better expression of me. And I want to give my car to Nadia when she can drive. And build a paddle board. And build a sailboat. And employ people to build those things. And start a side business of custom fiberglass somethings and employ ed and amber.

Everything has changed

I guess it’s good. Yesterday I learned that Stacey might live in Sausalito. And it drove home some facts. She hasn’t talked to me. She moved away. I remember working at ebs and I had a great rythm down. And it was Ron, Glenn, Terri, me, Stacey, Ezra, Jessica, Elizabeth, all in our little area. And the company was doing really well. We were a pretty good team. Then Paul and Donna left. Then they got rid of me. And the poor place just doesn’t seem like it’s gotten any traction ever since. And everyone else has ripped off their technologies and ideas. And then Stacey left. Probably because of me. Now Ron and Martin are gone I found out. It’s just so sad. We all had an amazing thing going there. We really did. Then I was at Areias. I love Scott’s valley. I would run everyday on the trails. And I took people Sailing. And that was my thing. And I went to church and I was happy and at peace. Now everything has changed. I can’t stand Santa Cruz anymore. And I’m jealous that Stacey probably found herself a nice quiet peaceful nook somewhere. That’s what I’m striving for but my area is just not like that. Not unless I get loud and intimidate everyone. Maybe I should do that. That’s what I have been working towards for so long. A cute cozy little cabin by the harbor. Now it’s like overrun by wackos. I have always just wanted to settle. Church isn’t peaceful for me anymore. Everyone is accusatory and wound up now. What is going on?!

Medicating

I want some sort of mood stabilizer. An herbal one. The problem with medication, is that half the reason I would want a medication, is because I’m surrounded by people who are medicating, and it drives me crazy. I can see right through it. Stand strong! Be different! Be sober! It dumbs people down. You don’t have to be dumbed down. There is a real path through it. It requires patience. Intelligence. Planning. And hope.

This was driving me crazy until last night I snapped and had a few beers. It made me happy and warm. But today it left me down. And it’s horrible. But I think I was looking for something to calm my mind. Otherwise I have been totally sober and straight. Last night I was sober minded. Just having fun. But it isn’t fair. I am surrounded my people who use. Whatever it is. And I choose not to. Maybe I need to get out of Santa Cruz. It’s the Mecca of drugs.

Voodoo

Is it real? And have I wandered into it? A month before I broke my toe, I couldn’t sleep because that exact toe felt like it was being stabbed. I thought it was weird. The next day at work someone was talking about voodoo inside the robot software code we wrote, and I thought I wonder if that was voodoo?

But who do the voodoo? And why do the voodoo? Don’t do the voodoo!

Then today I gave Amber a ride to Garfield church. I asked her and her friend if they wanted to go sailing, to do something healthy, and she asked if a ride to church. When I dropped her off, she apologized for last night. And last night was rough for me. I looked at her puzzled. I live on the other side of town. I said, I haven’t talked to you in a number of days. She just looked at me. Then she said I’m sorry for what I said. I think she thinks I am there or can hear her. Sometimes she asks if I left something for her. Like the nails at the bottom of the stairs. No, sorry, I did not leave the nails there for you. Hopefully you did something creative with them! It was like the lady walking down the road shooting off a fire extinguisher. It was bizarre. But I had to respect the creativity and resourcefulness. But every now and then I get really freaked out by her. Did she make my night miserable with voodoo? Or was she just an easy target for me to blame my problems on? I mean, she was homeless. It’s definitely probably her fault. But the weird thing is, inside of all of it, she knows she’s homeless, and she knows she’s a target because of it. This baffles me. It suggests that either 1. she has a victim mentality and is using homelessness to fortify her victimship, or 2. She is that desperately mentally out of control and yet still has some high level social faculty. And I think it’s number 2. And that excites me. Because it means she could use that faculty to reprocess the rest of her dissociations and integrate herself. And that’s exciting.

All I had to do is figure out the right words. Ask the right questions and tell her the right things. It would trigger that strong part of her to put her own pieces back together and learn to test what is real and not and start trusting and depending on real, good, things.

The problem with all of this, part of it was a metaphor for me that I was projecting on to her. The situation with Stacey. What was reality? I couldn’t know until August. Until then there was nothing to test.

I was entranced by her psyche. I read how things work constantly as a kid and took everything apart. It made me different from a lot of engineers because I knew the common way of doing most things. And the psyche was a big complex machine to me. And you only get a good glimpse of it, as far as I have seen, from childish states. I think that is why I like kids so much. You can better see things going on in their head. Adults are conditioned to being robots. But not kids. And amber was a very special case. An adult with adult faculty and an extremely childish piece as well. She had this massive range of dynamics going on in her psyche. And she had no problem talking about all of it.

The weirdest situations

I found myself in these situations where all I could do is pray. And pray. And pray. I had nothing else. Like today. I didn’t go to church. I don’t feel good. I don’t have a housemate. I don’t talk to anyone much. All I can do is sit here and pray. I feel desperate. But I am 34 year old man, who has chosen to not do a lot of things. So I can pray! And see. And know.

Big things are happening at church. And I want to be there in the right frame of mind. Not today.

I still wonder what will happen on August. I now think she probably won’t call. Which will be ok. It will be a relief. Ok, I was wrong. She probably spent five years becoming an awesome biker and I spent five years…. in therapy. I don’t know if it’s biblical but someone once said, all is well that ends well. And I suppose that is all that matters. And if she did call, that would be good too. But now all I can do is pray. I can’t date anyone until then. I can just give people rides to church who need rides. I give females rides to church when they need. And I wonder what message it sends in this hyper social environment we live in. In many places if the world, no one would even care, they are so focused on just surviving. But here, we have the luxury of criticizing each other for the simplest things.

So I pray. And I realize I am sort of obsessed with being in a relationship. I think it is because I don’t have a housemate or someone who I regularly do things with. I guess I should work on that!