It feels like someone pulled my heart out through my stomach. Then fixed it. And then put it back in. And it feels better but it’s really raw. And weak.
I never understood what guys meant by “game” until I met Stacey. Whatever it is, I took it all the way. It turned into a relentless self realization that had no reservations. So I never needed her, whoever she is, and showered her with a full frontal and side attack of a complex language of complements and leadership. It was so intricate that I don’t think it actually came from me. I was saying and doing things that would benefit her five years later. Or so it seemed. It was pretty cool. I brought this so called game to some other women too and in some groups other men couldn’t even compete so they resorted to brutish and uncivil tactics to scare me away. But I thought is was about loving your brothers? I tried to teach them but they wouldn’t open up. But looking back I realize I was in effect courting ina similar manner as the book of the Song of Solomon. It was epic. And now I am seeing others start it a little too. It’s powerful. It’s emotionally risky. And it’s worth it.
Let’s up the game!!! Go for it! Flatter someone! Without expecting anything! You might get hurt. You might get embarrassed! You might sweat! And you might cry! And you,l definitely lose. But this where the healing begins! And the dopamine it releases, meaning the peace it brings, is awwwwessssooommmmeeee.
If you’re a guy and you’re mad at me, why don’t you learn how to do it too? It isn’t hard. It starts inside of you!
And as a physical benefit, they actually lose weight because they don’t feel like they have to carry the weight of your emotional baggage around and are freed up to live their own life! It’s funny, they’re so caring they will actually put on pounds because they get stuck worrying and caring about your nightmares! And they don’t even know it!
Its like this forever dialogue. Not necessarily forever like marriage. But like, hey, I’m staying ahead of you. Remembering what you told them years ago. Keeping a dialogue and language of themes, goals, and certain vocabulary going for years. And slowly developing it. Some concepts are a little too much for their little brains at first and it scares them. But slowly they’ll begin to trust you as they realize you’re confident in it.
And definitely realizing that they are bringing their own game. Their own themes and goals. And discovering what those are and acknowledging them. I’d say the best is discovering their deepest convictions and sources of meaning. And being willing to sacrifice for the betterment of them or the goal.
Wow, that was like a year of a sadistic NIGHTMARE. But I feel a lot better now. I was going crazy. Luckily I only broke a toe and nothing worse happened. I was a little haphazard. I am looking forward to a new job, and a more balanced life!
It’s obvious. But it’s hard to remember, when your falling, the only reason you’re falling is because, you were climbing!
I don’t know what to do. I guess I could just keep calm, quiet, and cry and exercise and sleep. I had a six pack in the fridge to bring to the boat I’ve been sailing on. I didn’t want to drink it. But yesterday, after seeing my counselor, a beer sure sounded good. Then my neighbor was being rowdy and it was frustrating me so I drank all six. It was fine. I am just very tired today. I played music really loud and sang and grunted. It was kind of fun. I think I need a good friend. Not named Sierra Nevada. He just wasn’t the friend he promised to be. But when I drink, I do get very effective at getting my point across. I need to figure out how to turn up my volume in a more regular, consistent, balanced fashion. But I was under a lot of water. Meaning emotional pain.
I surfed today. My neighbor left out a wave storm for free. I love those things so I snatched it up. And the waves were over head at pleasure point! It was great! And people were pretty relaxed too. I kept out of the way of the short boarders. On one wave, a long boarder stole my wave and then tried to push me off it! So while paddling a accident,y caught his leash and pulled him right off the wave! It was epic. He tried to steal my wave and I literally made him do a backflip off the wave. It was like, yeah right buddy! Then this other guy wouldn’t get out of my way, he went left, then right, and I couldn’t help but ram him. I said sorry. Then this little boy lost his board on a big set so I got it and delivered it to him. Then this teenage girl tried to fight one of the grown women. The lady started yelling at her, and the girl calmly said keep out of the line. Keep out of the line. It was interesting. She had been a little aggressive, but she was clam,y and plainly staying her case. Then she paddled in. I wondered if something else was going on in her life. Then on a big set, everyone was inside and in this one mans way. He paddled back out to the lineup screaming, you guys, stay out of my way! How am I supposed to surf out here if you’re all in the way!!! Haha! Exactly!
Then an older guy started yelling back at him. Bro. So he called him an old fart. The older guy said, yeah, you’re just as old as me. And I realized, he was right! The other guy just acted like a young surfer!
Next, Jesus came walking out. No just kidding. But seriously. Then, I found a hat in the white water! So I wore it! Free surf board, free hat. It’s all about the gear.
I need to commit to not being angry, and instead, help people. With confidence.
I am reading a Christian counseling book on childhood memories. And it is amazing. I have stuffed a lot away. It is giving me a huge sense of satisfaction. I have had an entire life. And I often forget that. My life hasn’t been perfect, but it has sure been good. When my parents were together, we did a lot of good, fun things. After they split up, there was a lot of focus and energy on just making it. So, there was less room to do the fun and good things. But we still did. And now, I do fun and good things for myself. It’s good to remember, that my dad did do good things for me. He taught me a lot. He was a real person. I have been so overwhelmed that I objectified my dad. But he was a person. And I have done a lot of things. I have a lot of experience! I tend to focus on what I don’t like. But there is a lot to like.
It’s ok. It’s all ok. It really is. My childhood was so awesome. I’m always trying to share it with people. Between junior lifeguards, junior explorers, martial arts, popper Keizer, and about everything between, it was epic.
In the summer Santa Cruz mornings, my friends mom would take us to twin lakes beach for junior lifeguards. And it was freezing. And the heater only worked in the floor. So I’d be in the front huddled down against there trying to warm up as much as possible before we got there. And then wrap up in my towel and run down the beach ohhh. It was awesome. And now I live right there.
Then swim practice in high school. It stared at 6 am and I loved it. Show up and get into your swimsuit. And swim. Those were the days. I used to love it.
Or dirtbiking in pozo in college. It wa septic. Get up at 6,drive out, prep the bikes. Get your gear on. Then ride. Ohh it was unmatchable.
Oh no. I had a really hard, and good therapy session. It was good. We discussed a recent dream I had had. And then I asked to emdr to help process it. It got bad. It was bad! Ohhh. It was not good. It’s going to take a few days. I don’t know how to schedule my texture party. Because I want to get it done. Ahhh. Here’s only two people who understand. One is dead. The other has multiple personalities and frankly I don’t trust him. Although I could. I helped him move. I wonder, one day, all the people I have stopped everything for and made a huge push for them, will that mean anything? What about the people who stopped everything for me? Wow. It’ll be pretty amazing. With fireworks. A celebration of awesome. Is this normal? I mean, am I just entering normality? Where it’s just you, and me, and we have to make huge moves for each Other? Who are these other people who are so worried about everything? I know what I am doing. I’m getting sort of dramatic. And it makes the people who haven’t been there … a little uneasy. But no, it’s ok! It’s all ok! You just haven’t been there! Where this moment, is all there is! So we have to fight! Meaning, fight for us! Whether it’s me, and you, or me, and neighbor, or me, and whoever. Let’s get out of the fog! It’s foggy! And start supporting each other! You can’t do it if yer rich. You’ll only know when you’re there! Can we push each other to see were all one? And use vocabulary to hold up each of us to that?
The fog says, you have to be perfect and help solve everyone’s problems. And, you’ll never be good enough. We are GOOD ENOUGH! For the love of God! I know.
The money brings this stupid fog everyone is roaming around in. It says don’t depend on God, the real things , the reality. Just keep chasing my little lure.
Is surfing. Definitely surfing. And paddling. When you stop paddling, you get pushed around. And sometimes it backs you into a hole. And then, you have to really paddle to get out of there. It’s not necessarily that anything bad will happen. But you just don’t know. The cliffs are scary.
I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off. I have been wanting to have a party at my house for a long time. But I couldn’t come up with a great theme. But now I’ve got it.
You are acceptable.
I’ll have to trick people to come. Because if they know what it’s really about, they probably won’t come. My existing 1949 texture is plaster. It was hand done. I’m doing my remodel the same to match. And to do it, you gotta do it by hand. So I’m going to somehow convince people to come over, maybe have some food and a drink, and then hand them a big ol blade and some mud and say, ok, you can do this. It doesn’t really matter what you do. Just have confidence and go for it. Whatever you do, it will be acceptable. It’s easy to match! Now go!
Ohhhh it would be quite the bonding experience for the neighborhood. And all the weirdos that don’t understand me.