Last night I tried to watch an American tail. I started acting weird. I had to stop and meditate. I meditated for two hours. I have to do this to break through in to the feelings. Remind myself over and over it’s safe. Then I did downward dog pose. As I was looking at my legs I showed me, as a child, that it’s the same body. I’m big now. It’s OK. I survived. It’s over. Look. I’m here now. I am taking care of myself.
I meditated for hours this morning. I got back into feeling. Now I am watching American tail and journaling. Three pages worth so far. I have to stop. Label the feeling. Write it out. Write out the situation it reminds me of. Over and over.
Fifel has an interesting story. Almost seemed hopeless. And a lost identity. My family trained me to not trust safe people. That the outside was a dangerous, dangerous place. Experience shows that the outside is safe.
It’s important to me that my front door is clean, clear, and fresh. My gateway to the outside. It can’t have any extraneous, broken, scary things.
This one movie is pages and pages and pages. I am going to watch it over and over until it doesn’t trigger anything. It’s rich!!! And full. For me.
I am realizing I can either be forever in a dream of hope, a victim of experience, or I can take action to navigate through a world that is actually constant. And experience it along the way.
I can take a golf lesson. A voice lesson. Maybe a sales lesson! Get professional photographs. I can label and write out every feeling. Write to my inner child. Tell him I’m the mirror. Watch the movie and handle it, maturely.
This left handed writing is huge!!! I can actually write “its OK to have feelings”, and mean it, and believe it, from deep inside. It’s OK to be me. I can trust the outside world. I am growing. I am proud of my growth.
This is huge.