Ahhh I’m going nuts (inside)

It’s just like Sean. 3erything he did and said was so absurd. And at night, I’d get this really really weird feeling. I can’t describe it except and intense anxiety that felt like him. With Amber it was the same but more intense. With Sean it was so weird I made him leave. With amber I decided to be patient and deal with it. I don’t know what it is. But both if them said everyone else would kick them out because of some weird feeling too. Ohhh but under it they are just sweet sensitive people. Why can’t they just trust? Why couldn’t I trust them? They would get into these whacked out modes where it’s like they weren’t there. And it’s so scary. But if I trusted, it would have been ok. All I had to do was lead with curiosity, understanding, and care. That’s all I had to do!

I came home with an oil cap for her car to replace the Gatorade bottle cap, plans to put fresh oil in, and light bulbs for her light. And somehow within that hour she had become obsessed with getting 70 dollars for car insurance and that I was trying to steal her information. I said no to the money. Then another accusation of putting my hands on her came. So I unleashed. You’re a meth addict headed down the wrong road. If you don’t ch age oaths you will die on the street, and I don’t want to see that happen. You are accusing me of touching you because I won’t pay for your insurance. You’re better than this. Then she lunged at me and I said if you touch me I will take you down to the ground. Then she said she would call the police. Then I really attacked. If you call the police, you’re going to jail! You’re on probation for assault! Then she said I was using violent communication. I said, no, it’s called reality and the truth.

I wish I had never known her criminal history. It would have made me a lot cooler. Instead, I was already on the defense, which really triggered her. It’s like, all I had to do was be patient and trust in gentleness. But the truth is, I don’t want to be gentle. I want to fight. Why?

Because of my history. A history of being verbally assaulted by meth addicts. A history of being forcefully pushed out. A history of being accused. A history of being yelled at. And I had played my part in all of it. Ohhhh it’s so bad. I think this is all a big fourth step inventory again. I need to get away from these yelling situations so that I don’t also yell. That was my agreement for lent. No yelling. Because right before Kent a homeless man had yelled at me and I started yelling back. I didn’t need to. Even if he was an addict. Even if he was “wrong”. I have everything. Why can’t I be at peace? I don’t get it!

Everything was fine. She hadn’t done anything wrong. The kitchen was just a mess and the bathroom was too. It seemed like she had been up all night and that really freaked me out, because I always wake up to the slightest noise. But to me, this was unacceptable. You need to clean the kitchen and the bathroom within an hour! And don’t cook me anymore food! I don’t trust you! But I had no reason in my experience to not trust her as a housemate. But she kept hiding things everywhere. I honestly thought she was an evil witch putting spells on me. But that is crazy!

The truth is, “homelessness” isn’t that bad to her. That’s how her entire life has been. So it’s like I’m trying to convince her that her life is wrong, and that doesn’t make sense. Even if it is illegal to camp in the woods or on the street. But I have been taught my entire life that that is wrong. That you have to be better than that. And I do believe sleeping in a safe structure is a lot safer in many ways. But is she then going to accept that she’s loved unsafely for 36 years? And accept the emotional pain of that? I remember facing that 5 years ago. If I was going to change, choose a more peaceful path, I was going to have to accept how badly I was hurting. And that was not an easy choice. It seems obvious to anyone else. But to admit I had been wrong for so long?

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