A good Monday

It was pretty good!!! I woke up feeling good. 5e birds were out the sun was out. There was a dinner to attend in the evening to remember an older woman who passed away from church. I was going to pick up Amber from the hospital again. And get my bike repaired. And start on the last leg of my house project. After my big ride his weekend I have felt a lot stronger emotionally. I can stand up for myself. It gave me confidence I suppose. And mellowed my mind. On the ride, I know, all I have to do is stay calm, keep my body relaxed, and keep breathing. And e same is true for life. And keeeep pedaling!!!! When I got to the hospital, her plans had changed and they didn’t know I was coming to get her. But she had called me the night before and we confirmed that I was picking her up. I almost just walked out and left. Everything with her seems like a game. It isn’t necessarily. Out brains just don’t plan things the same way. So I talked them into releasing her so I didn’t have to wait three hours. Out she came. It was good to see her. She seemed a lot healthier. She made me a ton of really good drawings. We got to driving and then the nightmare started. She wanted to get another copy of her key in San Jose because she lost the other two because she was being followed way back when. But she lost her drivers license in the ambulance. I have no idea when exactly that was. Two weeks ago between when she was arrested, released, and then ended up back in the hospital. I promised myself I would just be calm this time and demand proper boundaries with my things and person. I explained there was no way they would make her a key without Id. So she wanted to get her car, get her check, and go to her friends in Watsonville, where she was trying to get two weeks ago. We got her check. Then she wanted to go to the shelter to get a voucher so she could get an id for less. This is when she went haywire. She is obsessed with going to specific places, regardless of the overall plan. This leads me to beleive she wants drugs. She gets arrested, hospitalized, puts on a show for as long as she needs, and then, I think, it’s straight back to it. So I can’t keep her from it but I’ll continue being a supportive and honest voice in her life. She made me some amazing glitter drawings. I can’t give up on the little girl part of her. It deserves to be validated. I used to try to get her to stay at my house rather than roam the streets, but I’m giving up on that. I could do it but I want to finish my house project and move forwards. It’s her life. But her brain is so eroded she isn’t in control. Her diagnosis was schizoaffective, amphetamine abuse, severe. It’s bad. She really respects me on her heart and Jesus. She wrote a lot about god and made crosses for herself in the hospital. She knows I have more mercy with her because God has mercy on me! And that is a beautiful thing to see. But I can’t stand her. I can’t. At all. She does play games and I have to continually loudly remind her I won’t play her games. And that involves putting her back on the street. So I did. And now I feel horrible again.

Otherwise I had a ton of fun thinking about getting my bike back and getting some new cycling shorts. For a better fit. And the sunset was astonishing. And I got things in order financially and careerly.

I went to the library and I get so weirded out by some people there. I try to walk out without making eye contact with anyone. Just focus hard on getting away from it.

I am depressed. I thought it was ending a while back. But I’m heavily processing things right now. The notion that I can stand up for myself. The notion that I am safe. I’m integrating these ideas. I used to I think give myself a false sense of safety. But now I really feel it.

One of the big problems is I am utterly direct. It is the only way I know how to keep my mind clear. And she hates it. She wants to hide and pretend nothing is wrong. I want to call it out of her. So when we were waiting for her check, in conversation I through in some choice words about what we were discussing like relapse, agency, participation, and program. This just set the stage for her to blow up later. I hate it when people do that to me. And it often sets someone off path when they are most vulnerable and healing.

The problem, she is right. Even though she’s the meth addicted schizophrenic who through things at me and destroyed my living room, never does her dishes, and is generally crazy, a lot of is simply because I put her in that corner. By assuming things and criticizing and pushing. She always leaves something that hits me profoundly. A little note from the hospital outlining modes of communication. One, the tiger, she left in my car. He is blaming accusatory and pushes an agenda. And I was doing that. The plan was just get home, get her watching tv so I could work, and hopefully play tennis!!! But then I started my passive aggressive war. But it’s hard because there’s a fine line between 36 year old daughter and 36 year old girlfriend. When that line gets Blurry I get mean fast. And that triggers her. She needs someone who can care for her without all the same age/opposite sex things. I’m not giving up. I’m losing money but I don’t care. When she comes around she’s going to light this town on fire. It’s true. I know these things

She triggers me massively. She has 5is very reactionary mode that gets mean and wants to fight. It’s scary to me. I have been approached by two men like that and it’s scarier when she does it because there’s no way I’m going to fight her back! So I’m defenseless! So I get mad thinking, who are you, why do you deserve to get so mad and controlling at me? I’m just some guy offering you a ride home from San Jose! But it’s a symptom of SEVERE TRAUMA and I can see that. And that deserves to be cared for. If you could imagine fighting off a rapist, and how stern, severe, scary, and serious you would have to be …. she is just accustomed to reacting like that now.

it’s possible this is just a big game and act. And a part of it might be. She still doesn’t know how much she can trust me especially because I refuse to be in a relationship with her. But I can see her underlying wounds and her reactions make sense. It is a game to me. Figuring out how to not react to her and how to trigger better processes in her mind. Most guys take the easy way out, gifts and compliments and inquisitive questions. But that isn’t sustainable if I am going to grow a fulfilled woman.

and there is no doubt she is trying to pull me in to a relationship with flattery and gifts and attention, and then abandonment. And yes the first time it hurt because I did enjoy the attention. But I knew what it was and I have grown. So my agenda is to stay in front of her plies until she’s exhausted them and realizes, he’s just a guy with a house and a car who committed to giving me rides until I felt better. It’s like fishing for a dinosaur basically. You can’t just reel it in because it will eat you alive. You have to slowly reel it in until it exhausts itself and can’t ever let it realize it’s even being reeled in …

if there is one thing that beats depression, it’s writing in my blog. I could just write it in forever. Like throwing notes down a well to a spring of water from the purest depths of minerally soil. I love my blog. Like a spring of honey as clear as a glacier.

I have just outright pounded her with love. I have. And it’s set her all off inside. She’ll get through it. Last time she was saying goodbye, she was the most grown I have seen her. She was headed to Watsonville. She lit a cigarette and said, I don’t know how I’ll get over you. I said, you will. I know it’s hard. I’ve been through it. Then she said I don’t know how I’m going to get to Watsonville. And I said you can do it. And it doesn’t matter what actually happened. She just needed to hear that. It lit her eyes up.

At some point I won’t be able to talk to her for a long time. I think. Because she or I will get into a serious relationship and I am not her dad. And I wouldn’t want some savior guy hanging around my wife.

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